Does anyone else not want to CTB??

[sadscotsman]

For me, I don't really wanna CTB, I'm actually really scared of it. I'm just in so much pain all the time, physically and emotionally, but I can't think of any other possible way to get out of this.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

@Mari666 They probably always cared they're just not good at showing it, some families are like that. At least they were finally able to though.
I'm glad I've been able to help you out a bit-that means a lot! I was going to wait to reply as it's super late here, but I'll give you some thoughts now otherwise it'll be hours before I get back to you- like after I've slept in til noon UK time lol. But I'm always happy to reply and help if I can regardless so if I ever don't reply for a bit it's not that I'm ignoring you or anything.

Hmm that's a weird one with your co-worker. That was so nice of their mom to say they'd come visit, I guess maybe your co-worker got a bit overwhelmed maybe and didn't think they'd know what to say. I mean that's basically what they said in the text. I guess not many people know what to say to someone who is recovering from an almost CTB attempt. Especially after you've sent them a goodbye msg. Or maybe they think you need a bit of space? Hard to tell really. They obviously care about you A LOT though.

I think maybe just give it a few days, leave it with them the ball is in their court if they wanna come visit you or call you. Hopefully by the time I come back on here you'll have heard from them and have good news. I'll keep my fingers crossed

 

[AresCohere]

If you are having doubts, just wait and hold it off for a while. Maybe something will come up to make life worth living again.

For at least what I have experienced, I often have extreme urges to CTB for some lengths of time followed by a push to live, so I can relate to what you are feeling.

 

[Sid19]

I wanted to do the same. See new movies or hear new songs. Anything. But the inner peace is gone and I remember the loneliness is killing me inside. There's a guilt of not helping the most important person in my life too. It's just too much for me. I'm trying not to think too much these to not let these shallow me with gloomy thoughts. Hopefully I can successfully do the ctb without any interpretations of any kind.

 

[airconditioner]

I feel like this, sort of. I don't want to exist and be conditioned into complacency when this world is more harmful than not. But I also don't want to act in a way that causes direct harm to those that know me or depended on me personally. I am responsible to a few, not nearly the same amount that I harm by existing, but I feel guilt about ending my life around them more strongly than complacency. I think the complacency is worse, the most I can justify is that it will continue with or without me. If I could choose to exist somewhere else or in some other form, without leaving behind loved ones, I think that would help resolve this kind of endless dilemma of what it means to be self-conscious (or not at all). I also feel fucked up existing with any form of comfort whatsoever (a pillow or blanket) while others live in complete anguish from beginning to end (like on a factory farm). It's a lot of guilt either way. I usually veer towards continuing, but I am not sure if its out of commitment or fear of lost experience.

In terms of continuing, it's almost stupid that I do, even for selfish reasons. The government has completely fucked me (and even taken away psychological services for anything more than five sessions, in addition to not addressing or acknowledging their own crimes). I've been violated by more people than I can count and unlikely to recover from its impact. I already struggled very seriously with life before this, and they've diminished me into a list of symptoms that vaguely resemble a personality. People are not pleasant to be around and more harm than good exists, I have zero hope in that improving over time. There is no end to what is "normal" enough to most people, who couldn't fathom or understand less insidious things that they see as outlying issues. If I end my life, I can almost promise it would be in response to all the "normal" acts that people casually engage in, especially in group settings. But this isn't anything new or unique to me, and many people have been forced into these decisions by some form of public corruption or societal norm. I live for as long as I can tolerate to ensure nothing very bad happens to the few I am responsible for that day. I don't know if that's the only reason, or why I need to distract myself continuously with my own thoughts or interests if it's for them. But death is at least assured in every lifetime, so sometimes I feel like I don't have to rush. That once I am gone, all the conceptual time that I have spent suffering will diminish and it wouldn't have mattered if it happened sooner or much later. It matters to my conscious experience and the time I spend suffering definitely feels compiled, but I am hoping eventually that goes away. Until then it's again as much as I can tolerate (both in myself and others). I do fear being pushed too far and not having a more compassionate way out than their own means and whatever violent forms are more accessible at the time. But not everyone can prepare or prevent others from harming them further, and something I am still struggling with (while being complacent in my own forms).

 

[Ashu]

None of us would want to if we didn't have to.

 

[suicidalloser]

None of us would want to if we didn't have to.

not true, i would want to no matter what the circumstance

 

[day]

If life was worth living I think it would be fine however I think I was basically made to suffer throughout my painful existence... Because of those events I do wish to CTB at some point.

 

[DoughRedMead]

Yep I feel sad thinking about never being able to listen to my favorite music ever again. And a few other things. But I'm in so much constant pain that I know I have to end it one day soon. I don't want to, but like you, I really feel like I have to.

That's what stopped my plan a few years ago. I wanted to learn to play my favorite song on guitar before ctb. When there is absolutely nothing I'll miss from this world, that's when I'll be ready.

 

[hellispink]

life is cruel but even for the ugly things to exisr, theres gotta be a beauty on it. The smallest things are the things that keep us going everyday despite the unbearable pain. Sadly most things we cannot control such as being mentally physically sick. Some can definitely live normal lives or at least survive. But for people like me, life is cruel and it crushes me. I got not way out of the problems situations I have idea. I feel a deep emptiness caused by borderline personality disorder. It doesn't matter how much i try, i will always feel the void. I don't wanna live in this rollercoaster. Its sad that life was unfair to us this way. I am mad too that this is my only choice and way out. But i gotta accept my destiny with dignity.

 

[kunikuzushi]

That's what stopped my plan a few years ago. I wanted to learn to play my favorite song on guitar before ctb. When there is absolutely nothing I'll miss from this world, that's when I'll be ready.

my last thing I want to do in life is getting better at guitar so I can play my favorite songs. I'm sorry you're going through the same thing. it's pretty miserable. but also it will be good for us when we have nothing to miss.

 

[Docc]

My life has just been school, sleep,food repeat. At least the walk to school as always been lovely

shool sucked for me. but life got a lot better after

 

[Mari666]

@Mari666 They probably always cared they're just not good at showing it, some families are like that. At least they were finally able to though.
I'm glad I've been able to help you out a bit-that means a lot! I was going to wait to reply as it's super late here, but I'll give you some thoughts now otherwise it'll be hours before I get back to you- like after I've slept in til noon UK time lol. But I'm always happy to reply and help if I can regardless so if I ever don't reply for a bit it's not that I'm ignoring you or anything.

Hmm that's a weird one with your co-worker. That was so nice of their mom to say they'd come visit, I guess maybe your co-worker got a bit overwhelmed maybe and didn't think they'd know what to say. I mean that's basically what they said in the text. I guess not many people know what to say to someone who is recovering from an almost CTB attempt. Especially after you've sent them a goodbye msg. Or maybe they think you need a bit of space? Hard to tell really. They obviously care about you A LOT though.

I think maybe just give it a few days, leave it with them the ball is in their court if they wanna come visit you or call you. Hopefully by the time I come back on here you'll have heard from them and have good news. I'll keep my fingers crossed

You always help put things in perspective.

@Mari666 They probably always cared they're just not good at showing it, some families are like that. At least they were finally able to though.
I'm glad I've been able to help you out a bit-that means a lot! I was going to wait to reply as it's super late here, but I'll give you some thoughts now otherwise it'll be hours before I get back to you- like after I've slept in til noon UK time lol. But I'm always happy to reply and help if I can regardless so if I ever don't reply for a bit it's not that I'm ignoring you or anything.

Hmm that's a weird one with your co-worker. That was so nice of their mom to say they'd come visit, I guess maybe your co-worker got a bit overwhelmed maybe and didn't think they'd know what to say. I mean that's basically what they said in the text. I guess not many people know what to say to someone who is recovering from an almost CTB attempt. Especially after you've sent them a goodbye msg. Or maybe they think you need a bit of space? Hard to tell really. They obviously care about you A LOT though.

I think maybe just give it a few days, leave it with them the ball is in their court if they wanna come visit you or call you. Hopefully by the time I come back on here you'll have heard from them and have good news. I'll keep my fingers crossed

Hi, so something is did happen I guess. Yesterday night (July 3rd) I got a text from my coworkers mom explaining how they all had family who came over from San Francisco and that's why they couldn't come visit me. She invited me over for the 4th of July to a big family gathering or something. But something feels off to me. Like I would be lying if I said I wasn't a bit hurt. I drove back to tht hospital yesterday to pick something up and the psych hospital I stayed at is literally a couple minutes from their house, a few streets down. When my coworker and I went out for breakfast once we passed by there. And ever since last Friday I still haven't heard a thing from my coworkers themselves. So I was just kind of thinking about how each time we hung out or I got to spend time with them as a family and they told me: you're part of the family. My coworkers older sister who I consider a friend would tease me like I was a younger siblings too and would say: you're basically like another sibling to me at this point, and I would always hear things like that. But to go from that to not hearing or seeing them when I attempted to kill myself, that hurts ngl. So I declined the invitation. Maybe it was the wrong choice,idk. But I just kept thinking, it's been a week since I had a shotgun to my head and not until now they want to see me?? Idk. Maybe I'm being irrational and too emotional. Don't be afraid to call me out by the way. If you think I'm being stupid just say: Mari you're being stupid. From them I've felt both love like I never knew but also the sudden disappearance of that sometimes. Idk. Thanks again. I'm realizing it's been like maybe 2 weeks since my original post and you've helped me that entire time, let me know if I can repay you somehow. Thanks a lot.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Don't want to ctb but its much preferable to having to cope with being born the wrong sex and watching people born the sex i want to be live their lives.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

@Mari666 you might be overthinking things again-it's a shame you decided to decline their invitation. Are you going to see them some other time? Maybe they were just trying to give you some space and didn't wanna intrude thinking your family would want to be around you for the first few days. And if they did really have family over it might just be bad timing. I really feel like you are constantly questioning people's intentions, if they didn't care they just wouldn't bother inviting you to things in the first place. I know some things have fallen through, and that's unfortunate but just give them a chance. Maybe a text saying you weren't feeling up to it the other day but you're feeling more sociable now?

Thanks again. I'm realizing it's been like maybe 2 weeks since my original post and you've helped me that entire time, let me know if I can repay you somehow. Thanks a lot.

You're welcome! I'm just glad I could help in some way, you can repay me by not declining any more invitations from people

 

[Mari666]

@Mari666 you might be overthinking things again-it's a shame you decided to decline their invitation. Are you going to see them some other time? Maybe they were just trying to give you some space and didn't wanna intrude thinking your family would want to be around you for the first few days. And if they did really have family over it might just be bad timing. I really feel like you are constantly questioning people's intentions, if they didn't care they just wouldn't bother inviting you to things in the first place. I know some things have fallen through, and that's unfortunate but just give them a chance. Maybe a text saying you weren't feeling up to it the other day but you're feeling more sociable now?


You're welcome! I'm just glad I could help in some way, you can repay me by not declining any more invitations from people

Hey, so I declined to wait for a couple days to see what happens. There's no plans of any kind to see then another time. A couple days ago I got a text from my coworkers mom just saying good morning and I couldn't reply immediately because I couldn't pay my phone bill. I payed it today and so I replied saying good morning and explaining why I hadn't been able to reply before. Also telling her that I wasn't up to socialize then or anything. The message has been left on read.
You're 100% right that u overthink things, I always have. In the psych hospital one of the therapists was pretty surprised at just how much I overthink things. It's something I want to be able to control but I don't know any other way. It's what I've always done and it's made me feel safe. If I know what's coming, or feel like I know, things can't catch me by surprise. I can prepare emotionally.
Anyways I'd like to show you something. This is a note my coworker gave me just over a month ago. They gave these out to family members and i was included in that. I'd like to show this to maybe show you why I'm so hurt. We were very very close. So many people, from our patients to my coworkers own dad, thought we were dating because of how close we were. My coworkers told me about things they admitted they didn't feel like they could tell anyone else. And they wrote me this note. So to go from this, to whatever is happening now, to attempting to take my life and hearing next to nothing, definitely hurts. I don't know what's happening but I know what isn't. I crossed out my actual name but wrote my username for this site at the bottom so you know it's actually me and all that stuff. I had this note in my pocket on the night I attempted to CTB.

 

[xX.mlnchli]

So I think I'm going to CTB in about a week, less than 10 days. Any way I look at it it's my only option. But I've been Thinking about how even though I'm going to do it, I really don't want to. I'd rather be here, stay alive, witness the world. I'd rather see new movies come out, hear new songs from artists I love, find new clothes to wear, grow as a person, keep getting better at my hobbies, see new science be discovered and learn more about the universe. I'd rather be here and live, I don't want to CTB, it just feels like something I have to do. Like I don't have any other choice.

Does anyone else feel this way??

I feel a similar way, except i'm waiting until the day arrives. Before that day comes i'd like to see if i'm able to achieve anything in life, or try to get even get a tiny bit better. if i cant progress, and if my life is still the same way as it is at this current moment, then it's the only that awaits me.

 

[HopefulSleep]

I don't want to die, I want a solution for my problems and this death seems more achievable than help in this disgusting world

 

[Temporal_Anchorite]

Yes, this post resonates with me 100%. I don't want to die. I'm too curious about the universe and what the future holds.

But at the same time, my cyclical patterns of failure and agony that I endure on a regular basis are going to push me over the fucking edge one day.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

Hey, so I declined to wait for a couple days to see what happens. There's no plans of any kind to see then another time. A couple days ago I got a text from my coworkers mom just saying good morning and I couldn't reply immediately because I couldn't pay my phone bill. I payed it today and so I replied saying good morning and explaining why I hadn't been able to reply before. Also telling her that I wasn't up to socialize then or anything. The message has been left on read.
You're 100% right that u overthink things, I always have. In the psych hospital one of the therapists was pretty surprised at just how much I overthink things. It's something I want to be able to control but I don't know any other way. It's what I've always done and it's made me feel safe. If I know what's coming, or feel like I know, things can't catch me by surprise. I can prepare emotionally.
Anyways I'd like to show you something. This is a note my coworker gave me just over a month ago. They gave these out to family members and i was included in that. I'd like to show this to maybe show you why I'm so hurt. We were very very close. So many people, from our patients to my coworkers own dad, thought we were dating because of how close we were. My coworkers told me about things they admitted they didn't feel like they could tell anyone else. And they wrote me this note. So to go from this, to whatever is happening now, to attempting to take my life and hearing next to nothing, definitely hurts. I don't know what's happening but I know what isn't. I crossed out my actual name but wrote my username for this site at the bottom so you know it's actually me and all that stuff. I had this note in my pocket on the night I attempted to CTB.

Any update now? I get what you are saying, the overthinking is kind of like a defence mechanism maybe? But the problem is it's making you doubt people's motives all the time and that's not good. Maybe your therapist will have some ideas on how to manage it?

That's such a nice note, aw. I understand why you are hurt to not be hearing much from them right now but they obviously still care a lot for you (they said as much the other week when you had that talk) just give it some time. I really hope you don't drift apart after being so close, you don't wanna lose a friend like that.

 

[Mari666]

Any update now? I get what you are saying, the overthinking is kind of like a defence mechanism maybe? But the problem is it's making you doubt people's motives all the time and that's not good. Maybe your therapist will have some ideas on how to manage it?

That's such a nice note, aw. I understand why you are hurt to not be hearing much from them right now but they obviously still care a lot for you (they said as much the other week when you had that talk) just give it some time. I really hope you don't drift apart after being so close, you don't wanna lose a friend like that.

No, no updates. The only thing that could maybe be an update of some kind is that I'm looking for a job so I texted my coworkers mom and sister if I could use them as a reference and they both said yes though with what seemed like minimum engagement. I digress though I'm probably overthinking again. Speaking of which yes that's definitely something I'll bring up with my therapist who I have an appointment with in a week. I'll probably dizzy them with everything that's happened in just that last month or so but also then I can probably give a certain friendly UK online stranger a break from listening to my problems :)

It's strange isn't though, how ironic. A year ago I go into the hospital for a surgery, my actual family doesn't care much and my coworker and their family support me throughout it all. It made a rift with my family and brought me closer to my coworker and theirs, back then it was the biggest thing that happened to me. Now a year later I go into a psychiatric hospital for a suicide attempt and it's *some* of my actual family That's at least trying to support me, while my coworker and theirs are mostly quiet. Though I know its not the complete opposite because I have at least heard from them. And it's not the opposite because some of my actual family still don't really want to talk to me.

But I don't know if I made this clear, I love them, my coworker. I'm mad about them. I've been for a while but only really started to notice it in the weeks before we got fired. So losing them really hurts. Especially if it's them whose lost interest in me.

But yeah. Thanks for listening. Thanks for replying, each time I get the notification you replied I feel a bit better to know someone is listening and not just because they're my therapist or psychiatrist or something. I'd feel lonelier without you so thanks again. I came to this site after I heard people come here to get advice on suicide but I didn't expect to get support and help like you've provided.

 

[LikeAPendulum]

For me, I guess i've just been procrastinating my own suicide. Funny, isnt it?
I made up my mind many years ago, yet every time I was so close to doing it, something gets in the way, or the feelings subsidizes, and I just put it off for later.
I just wish that I could die in a more dignified way. I've been told that I'd go to hell for suicide.

 

[vitbar]

If I had the choice between death and a life without my issues I'd choose life. I'm still trying treatment for this reason. I don't expect to find myself cured, but hope for enough improvement to have a decent life.

 

[CountOfTuscany]

So I think I'm going to CTB in about a week, less than 10 days. Any way I look at it it's my only option. But I've been Thinking about how even though I'm going to do it, I really don't want to. I'd rather be here, stay alive, witness the world. I'd rather see new movies come out, hear new songs from artists I love, find new clothes to wear, grow as a person, keep getting better at my hobbies, see new science be discovered and learn more about the universe. I'd rather be here and live, I don't want to CTB, it just feels like something I have to do. Like I don't have any other choice.

Does anyone else feel this way??

I have spent the last year desperately trying to get something positive out of life. I stepped outside my comfort zone, went to tons of social events, even made a few friends, etc. Still just as suicidal as before. Not sure why I bothered.

 

[Techef]

If my health and financial problems went away (basically a bunch of miracles would have to happen to me), I'd be stick around a bit longer.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

No, no updates. The only thing that could maybe be an update of some kind is that I'm looking for a job so I texted my coworkers mom and sister if I could use them as a reference and they both said yes though with what seemed like minimum engagement. I digress though I'm probably overthinking again. Speaking of which yes that's definitely something I'll bring up with my therapist who I have an appointment with in a week. I'll probably dizzy them with everything that's happened in just that last month or so but also then I can probably give a certain friendly UK online stranger a break from listening to my problems :)

Best of luck with the job hunt-it's great you're feeling well enough to start looking for a job already, hope you can find something you like.

I definitely overthink sometimes as well so I know how that feels and if your therapist has any good tips on how not to do that I'd love to know! Hopefully they can give you some good coping methods when your mind goes into overthinking since it's definitely something you seem to struggle with. I'm still always around for support and a listening ear as well of course

It's strange isn't though, how ironic. A year ago I go into the hospital for a surgery, my actual family doesn't care much and my coworker and their family support me throughout it all. It made a rift with my family and brought me closer to my coworker and theirs, back then it was the biggest thing that happened to me. Now a year later I go into a psychiatric hospital for a suicide attempt and it's *some* of my actual family That's at least trying to support me, while my coworker and theirs are mostly quiet. Though I know its not the complete opposite because I have at least heard from them. And it's not the opposite because some of my actual family still don't really want to talk to me.

Yeh it's good some of your family stepped up this time-shame about the ones that haven't but it's their loss! I'm sure you would be there for them in the same situation. Hard to say what's going on with your coworkers family-maybe they are still trying to give you space and not intrude on what they think is a family matter, or maybe your coworker going through some stuff is making it hard for them to be there.

But I don't know if I made this clear, I love them, my coworker. I'm mad about them. I've been for a while but only really started to notice it in the weeks before we got fired. So losing them really hurts. Especially if it's them whose lost interest in me.

Definitely don't start thinking they've lost interest-they are probably thinking the same thing. Seems like you're crazy about each other but can't get together. Maybe they were thinking the same thing when you turned down the invite the other week?

But yeah. Thanks for listening. Thanks for replying, each time I get the notification you replied I feel a bit better to know someone is listening and not just because they're my therapist or psychiatrist or something. I'd feel lonelier without you so thanks again. I came to this site after I heard people come here to get advice on suicide but I didn't expect to get support and help like you've provided.

You're welcome! I'm glad I could give you some support, especially when you seem like such a nice caring person. Just want everything to work out for you. This site gets a bad rep but people really do try and give advice and support to people and are happy for someone when their life starts going better. Really hope things start looking up for you, you deserve it!

 

[Obliviate]

I feel the exact same way. I can technically just leave now but in my last of times I've been watching tv shows, trying to hold on just a little bit longer, trying to find just enough peace where I am able to finally leave. I want to live but the world is so nasty. My dreams will never come true and it's much worse for others. I want to stay and help the world but I'm helpless so what's the point? I'd rather just leave on my own terms then wait around to get raped/murdered or die from an illness

 

[Mari666]

Best of luck with the job hunt-it's great you're feeling well enough to start looking for a job already, hope you can find something you like.

I definitely overthink sometimes as well so I know how that feels and if your therapist has any good tips on how not to do that I'd love to know! Hopefully they can give you some good coping methods when your mind goes into overthinking since it's definitely something you seem to struggle with. I'm still always around for support and a listening ear as well of course


Yeh it's good some of your family stepped up this time-shame about the ones that haven't but it's their loss! I'm sure you would be there for them in the same situation. Hard to say what's going on with your coworkers family-maybe they are still trying to give you space and not intrude on what they think is a family matter, or maybe your coworker going through some stuff is making it hard for them to be there.


Definitely don't start thinking they've lost interest-they are probably thinking the same thing. Seems like you're crazy about each other but can't get together. Maybe they were thinking the same thing when you turned down the invite the other week?


You're welcome! I'm glad I could give you some support, especially when you seem like such a nice caring person. Just want everything to work out for you. This site gets a bad rep but people really do try and give advice and support to people and are happy for someone when their life starts going better. Really hope things start looking up for you, you deserve it!

Best of luck with the job hunt-it's great you're feeling well enough to start looking for a job already, hope you can find something you like.

I definitely overthink sometimes as well so I know how that feels and if your therapist has any good tips on how not to do that I'd love to know! Hopefully they can give you some good coping methods when your mind goes into overthinking since it's definitely something you seem to struggle with. I'm still always around for support and a listening ear as well of course


Yeh it's good some of your family stepped up this time-shame about the ones that haven't but it's their loss! I'm sure you would be there for them in the same situation. Hard to say what's going on with your coworkers family-maybe they are still trying to give you space and not intrude on what they think is a family matter, or maybe your coworker going through some stuff is making it hard for them to be there.


Definitely don't start thinking they've lost interest-they are probably thinking the same thing. Seems like you're crazy about each other but can't get together. Maybe they were thinking the same thing when you turned down the invite the other week?


You're welcome! I'm glad I could give you some support, especially when you seem like such a nice caring person. Just want everything to work out for you. This site gets a bad rep but people really do try and give advice and support to people and are happy for someone when their life starts going better. Really hope things start looking up for you, you deserve it!

Hi, been a while. So earlier this week we actually did get together. They picked me up and we went swimming at this sisters house. When they got to my house they gave me a hug and apologized I guess for not answering the phone that night or something. It was a pretty fun day. But, there was this feeling that I had suspected. I don't know if I had mentioned this here before. When the idea started to creep in to end myself I started thinking of them more and more. I started to feel that if I lost them I'd lose a huge part of myself, I'd lose a family I'd always wanted. But if they lost me, maybe it wouldn't be such a big deal to them. It could just be me overthinking things of course and being real self deprecating but I think that's what I felt when we went swimming. That family I found is theirs, that support system is theirs, lose me and what do they really lose??
When I was in the psych hospital before a therapist told me something that has really stuck with me. I talked with her about the same things, feeling lonely and losing people, my coworker, everything. She told me that even if you completely love someone, it doesn't necessarily mean they'll love you back. And she said: if someone loves you and wants you in their life, they'll make time for you. Looking at whats happened, and the vibe I felt on that day, as much as I did enjoy it, I'm an option. Nothing more really. I think I'm completely right when I say that it was only because of the fact we got to spend so much time at work together that we got close. With or without me, seems there's no real difference to them. I put a shotgun to my head and no one seems to take notice.
It hurts to be honest. I think I'm in more pain now than when I was planning to do it, at least then I would have died feeling loved.
I love them so much. Knowing I have to get rid of this love hurts like I can't describe. Knowing it's because I didn't pull that trigger hurts more. But all I'm doing now is looking for a job. If I have to go forwards alone, then that's what I'll do. I know this sounds all depressed and shit but that's how i feel I think. If it's just me then it's just me.

Thanks.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

@Mari666 Hi sorry I took so long to reply, I kept meaning to but have been feeling crap all week myself and didn't feel like I had the energy to give advice. I don't wanna just give you half-assed replies without putting any thought into it.

It's good you finally got to meet up! It's hard from what you wrote to know if you're putting almost impossible expectations on someone, or if they really are pulling back from you. It just sounds like maybe you come up with reasons not to get close to people? They've already done a lot to make you feel like family-I kind of feel like they've gone above and beyond to show you they care. But you keep testing them, maybe putting them on a bit of a pedestal? Let me know if I'm way off here it's just the impression I get but I'm not a psychiatrist! Yeh the therapist is right about people making time BUT remember you also turned down an invite from them because you were feeling hurt. They are making time for you, if that wasn't the case you wouldn't even have seen them since you left your job. Maybe they are just trying to act normal and not keep talking about what happened because they don't know if you even wanna talk about it? It's heavy stuff, I think in that situation I'd probably be trying to keep things light and not dwelling on what happened in case I upset you.

I just think you should relax a bit, you've gotta be happy with yourself not looking to your co-worker and their family to be your reason to live. Everything you've told me says they're there for you, they're your friend, what else can they prove to you?

And like I said before, don't forget to be there for your co-worker since they were going through some stuff as well. Relationships are a two way street! I don't know why you have to go forwards alone, is it all or nothing? If they don't prove their absolute loyalty to you every week you can't still be friends even? Sorry if this sounds harsh I don't mean it to be I just really think you're questioning everything right now and putting so much on this friendship/relationship it's a lot for your co-worker to live up to...

 

[Zegers]

To be honest, i wish to get out of the world. I don't like this world or being human. I've been stuck in a limbo for years and philosophically speaking, I'm also quite bored of all the life bs, ctb is my only purpose.