Does anyone else not want to CTB??

[Mari666]

So I think I'm going to CTB in about a week, less than 10 days. Any way I look at it it's my only option. But I've been Thinking about how even though I'm going to do it, I really don't want to. I'd rather be here, stay alive, witness the world. I'd rather see new movies come out, hear new songs from artists I love, find new clothes to wear, grow as a person, keep getting better at my hobbies, see new science be discovered and learn more about the universe. I'd rather be here and live, I don't want to CTB, it just feels like something I have to do. Like I don't have any other choice.

Does anyone else feel this way??

 

[sunsetboat234]

I'm the same way except I have to do it. Life would be an endless void and i feel i deserve peace,

 

[AerialBoundaries]

All I wanted was to live a normal life, free of mental defect, but that's never going to change.

When you have no chance of improving, there's only one logical choice.

 

[sunsetboat234]

I understand completely I'm leaving tonight

 

[idontknowwhatodo]

I understand completely I'm leaving tonight

I hope it goes well. Wish you luck.

 

[tora]

this is exactly how i've been feeling. if I ever lose my home or job, my only option will be to ctb, but I really don't want to. I don't enjoy life that much, but there are enough good things in the world that make me want to keep living for them. it's hard when your only option is death but your heart just wants you to live.

 

[willitpass]

If you don't feel ready I urge you to not do it. There are very few things that truly leave you with no time to waste and it doesn't seem you are in one of those. If your mind is still giving you hope I would advise you to listen to it. The option to CTB will always be there, but you can only do those things before. There is no chance after. If you don't want to do it yet please don't. I feel it is a decision that should only be made when you feel ready, not done before hand, though I understand that it is ultimately up to each person.

 

[Fr0sty]

I feel the same way. I don't know when I'll CTB but hopefully it'll be soon. I am too much of a burden on the people around me and it would be an injustice to them if I kept living.

 

[kunikuzushi]

Yep I feel sad thinking about never being able to listen to my favorite music ever again. And a few other things. But I'm in so much constant pain that I know I have to end it one day soon. I don't want to, but like you, I really feel like I have to.

 

[ggetout33]

I understand completely I'm leaving tonight

I hope you find peace, though it's sad it's come to this.

 

[toofargone6969]

I don't think any suicidal person truly wants to die. They just want the pain to stop. The suffering to end. I think we would all choose life if we could have some relief of our pain and suffering. It sounds like there are still a lot of things you enjoy and want to do, so it doesn't seem like you're ready. You have hope. That's rare here and you should hold onto it for the sake of those who lost all hope and gave in finally. Keep fighting.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

@Mari666 why do you feel like you have to do it though? Can you give us a bit of insight into why you feel like it's your only option when you really want to live? Maybe we can give you some advice, it'd be a horrible shame for you to CTB when you don't really want to and it seems like you are thinking about the future and have lots of things still to enjoy. For me I don't look forward to any of those things you mentioned but if you do I urge you not to CTB. If I had any of that hope or anything to look forward to I wouldn't do it.

 

[Zero Two]

I get that! I decided I can do 2 more years (I've already waited 8 years, I'm sure I can handle 2 more years of suffering) and if things just dont get better for me, I will ctb. I want to be happy. I want to live and fall in love and have a family, but I dont deserve to feel this way, surrounded by people who think they understand but have no idea what I am going through. Im sure 2 years will be enough for me to fully decide

 

[dospi1]

may i ask why do you want to cbt? by what you say you seem to able to enjoy life, theres no rush to cbt there are very few reasons i could see for one needing to rush this kind of thing, if you aint completly sure about cbt yo dont have to do it, take your time in the end is probably the most important choise of your life

 

[Praestat_Mori]

So I think I'm going to CTB in about a week, less than 10 days. Any way I look at it it's my only option. But I've been Thinking about how even though I'm going to do it, I really don't want to. I'd rather be here, stay alive, witness the world. I'd rather see new movies come out, hear new songs from artists I love, find new clothes to wear, grow as a person, keep getting better at my hobbies, see new science be discovered and learn more about the universe. I'd rather be here and live, I don't want to CTB, it just feels like something I have to do. Like I don't have any other choice.

Does anyone else feel this way??

I can fully relate to this. Though probably our personal reasons might be completely different ones. I want to CTB so much because I know that I don't find a way out of the situation I'm in, at least not in a way that would satisfy me, I've given up on that and I'm trapped in a downward spiral I can't escape any more, at least not by myself without help. But then there are so many other things that would be just great, but what about them when I have an unsolvable problem that hinders me to enjoy these things? I'm really trapped and it's horrible.

As long as you have a little bit of hope left you're not ready to CTB otherwise you wouldn't say that you don't want to CTB. You seem to have plans for your future what you want to discover, to learn, hobbies and so on. You should really try everything else first and only when you come to the conclusion that there is no other way out CTB can always be an option to end personal agony and suffering. When the time is right for that you will feel that. It's the point when finally all hope is gone. I wish you all the best and hopefully a bright future!

 

[Mari666]

@Mari666 why do you feel like you have to do it though? Can you give us a bit of insight into why you feel like it's your only option when you really want to live? Maybe we can give you some advice, it'd be a horrible shame for you to CTB when you don't really want to and it seems like you are thinking about the future and have lots of things still to enjoy. For me I don't look forward to any of those things you mentioned but if you do I urge you not to CTB. If I had any of that hope or anything to look forward to I wouldn't do it.

Thanks for asking, genuinely. It would be a REALLY long answer but it comes down to this: I'm alone again.

My family life growing up was never great. Abuse from both parents but in different ways. I'm the oldest among my siblings so it always fell to me to protect them which I was honestly ok with. But it was always me alone against everyone. Anytime they tried to hit my siblings or do something similar and I stood up for them I was treated like I was some horrible, disrespectful, disgrace of a child. For whatever reason everyone from my parents to grandparents to distant family treated me differently then they did my siblings. Not just in the way that seems to be common when it comes to older and younger siblings but always as if I was a bother, as if I did something to them personally. The pain grew and I began to hate myself. I felt like no matter what I did it want ever enough for them to love me, that I was a failure. I felt there was something fundamentally wrong with me and I didn't deserve to be loved it even be happy. Anytime I did feel happy I felt it was like a mistake and waited for something bad to happen.

Fast forward to March of 2022 and I started a new job. I met a coworker there. Over the course of time from then to now we got close. We became best friends even. I got to meet they're family (some of who also worked in the same office) and they all treated me like one of their own. For the first time in my life I felt like I had a family, I felt loved, I realized there wasn't anything wrong with me maybe I did deserve to be loved. And it's no exaggeration to say that I fell in love with this person. For the first time ever I felt like someone actually wanted me around if that makes sense. But just about a month ago we both got fired. Obviously money is a problem now. Now I'm back to living with my family who don't speak to me. I'm back to being alone. I used to be able to see my coworker three days out of the week and always looked forwards to that. Now I don't know when or if I ever get to see them. I met the most amazing person in the world just to lose them. I found a family just to be alone again. I can't take that. As much as I want to live, I don't and can't live alone.

 

[dospi1]

Thanks for asking, genuinely. It would be a REALLY long answer but it comes down to this: I'm alone again.

My family life growing up was never great. Abuse from both parents but in different ways. I'm the oldest among my siblings so it always fell to me to protect them which I was honestly ok with. But it was always me alone against everyone. Anytime they tried to hit my siblings or do something similar and I stood up for them I was treated like I was some horrible, disrespectful, disgrace of a child. For whatever reason everyone from my parents to grandparents to distant family treated me differently then they did my siblings. Not just in the way that seems to be common when it comes to older and younger siblings but always as if I was a bother, as if I did something to them personally. The pain grew and I began to hate myself. I felt like no matter what I did it want ever enough for them to love me, that I was a failure. I felt there was something fundamentally wrong with me and I didn't deserve to be loved it even be happy. Anytime I did feel happy I felt it was like a mistake and waited for something bad to happen.

Fast forward to March of 2022 and I started a new job. I met a coworker there. Over the course of time from then to now we got close. We became best friends even. I got to meet they're family (some of who also worked in the same office) and they all treated me like one of their own. For the first time in my life I felt like I had a family, I felt loved, I realized there wasn't anything wrong with me maybe I did deserve to be loved. And it's no exaggeration to say that I fell in love with this person. For the first time ever I felt like someone actually wanted me around if that makes sense. But just about a month ago we both got fired. Obviously money is a problem now. Now I'm back to living with my family who don't speak to me. I'm back to being alone. I used to be able to see my coworker three days out of the week and always looked forwards to that. Now I don't know when or if I ever get to see them. I met the most amazing person in the world just to lose them. I found a family just to be alone again. I can't take that. As much as I want to live, I don't and can't live alone.

Lonliness is such a hard felling, for unlike anything you cant ever escape it, i can relate to that, the dread of the empty void in the chest, days whitout talking to anyone, im sorry i haves come to this, but how about you get yourself sometime? maybe get another job, i like this quote from the little prince "theres also lonliness among men" seek company not people, another job other enviorment walk the road maybe youll find somewhere you fell more comfortable, theres no need to rush.

 

[thankyou]

Yes I also want to live but I have no other choice.
Im disabled with no support system, Im basically a normal person imprisoned in a crippled mind & body so I can't do anything with my life but I'm painfully aware of it. I've tried many medical interventions and gave psychiatric professionals over a decade to try and help. I have to rely on other people to live but my family is either abusive or nonexistent. In fact I was never wanted as a baby to begin with. That leaves me with being a drain on romantic partners, just to survive. Otherwise I'm homeless. With age my condition is only getting worse. I want to die while I'm still young before it gets even worse. I've tried to survive for decades but my only life path is relying on someone I don't love to exist because I can't stand to burden someone I actually love. Disability services are nonexistent for people like me let alone not enough to survive. Im just done. I don't have a single friend and I haven't left the house in years. Even if I want to get better, the brain rot from that alone is severe enough that I can't just easily change my habits.

I hope the world gets better after I'm gone.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

Thanks for asking, genuinely. It would be a REALLY long answer but it comes down to this: I'm alone again.

My family life growing up was never great. Abuse from both parents but in different ways. I'm the oldest among my siblings so it always fell to me to protect them which I was honestly ok with. But it was always me alone against everyone. Anytime they tried to hit my siblings or do something similar and I stood up for them I was treated like I was some horrible, disrespectful, disgrace of a child. For whatever reason everyone from my parents to grandparents to distant family treated me differently then they did my siblings. Not just in the way that seems to be common when it comes to older and younger siblings but always as if I was a bother, as if I did something to them personally. The pain grew and I began to hate myself. I felt like no matter what I did it want ever enough for them to love me, that I was a failure. I felt there was something fundamentally wrong with me and I didn't deserve to be loved it even be happy. Anytime I did feel happy I felt it was like a mistake and waited for something bad to happen.

Fast forward to March of 2022 and I started a new job. I met a coworker there. Over the course of time from then to now we got close. We became best friends even. I got to meet they're family (some of who also worked in the same office) and they all treated me like one of their own. For the first time in my life I felt like I had a family, I felt loved, I realized there wasn't anything wrong with me maybe I did deserve to be loved. And it's no exaggeration to say that I fell in love with this person. For the first time ever I felt like someone actually wanted me around if that makes sense. But just about a month ago we both got fired. Obviously money is a problem now. Now I'm back to living with my family who don't speak to me. I'm back to being alone. I used to be able to see my coworker three days out of the week and always looked forwards to that. Now I don't know when or if I ever get to see them. I met the most amazing person in the world just to lose them. I found a family just to be alone again. I can't take that. As much as I want to live, I don't and can't live alone.

Sorry to hear about your family issues, are you close with your siblings? Can you go to them for support or are they all still pretty young? It's weird how your family act like that towards you, but if they're really that toxic that they are having a bad effect on your mental health the best thing to do is work on getting away from them again.

It sucks you got fired just when you were getting your life together and enjoying your job. I can imagine how devastating that was. How come you can't still see your coworker though? Just because you are not working together anymore doesn't mean you can't still be friends. I think because all this only happened a month ago you need to give yourself a bit of time before you make any decisions.

 

[Spiritual survivor]

I don't want to but I'm miserable older lady with nothing to live for. No kids, no partner, no home, nothing.

 

[cami]

if you don't want to, do not do it. recovery is possible. it is rough, but like you said there are so many things to live for. please, i can only plead with you through a screen which i am sorry for, but please reach out to a therapist or lifeline service. it is not too late for you in any way. you deserve to live and enjoy it, and i believe you can find it if you just see through the fog of suicidality.

 

[blacksand]

So I think I'm going to CTB in about a week, less than 10 days. Any way I look at it it's my only option. But I've been Thinking about how even though I'm going to do it, I really don't want to. I'd rather be here, stay alive, witness the world. I'd rather see new movies come out, hear new songs from artists I love, find new clothes to wear, grow as a person, keep getting better at my hobbies, see new science be discovered and learn more about the universe. I'd rather be here and live, I don't want to CTB, it just feels like something I have to do. Like I don't have any other choice.

Does anyone else feel this way??

Sure if you cured all my problems I wouldn't do it. But I know there is no Hogwarts letter or droids with a message from princess Leia coming. I'm stuck and I'm tired. Just let me go.

 

[Mari666]

Sorry to hear about your family issues, are you close with your siblings? Can you go to them for support or are they all still pretty young? It's weird how your family act like that towards you, but if they're really that toxic that they are having a bad effect on your mental health the best thing to do is work on getting away from them again.

It sucks you got fired just when you were getting your life together and enjoying your job. I can imagine how devastating that was. How come you can't still see your coworker though? Just because you are not working together anymore doesn't mean you can't still be friends. I think because all this only happened a month ago you need to give yourself a bit of time before you make any decisions.

Thanks.

Unfortunately no, I'm not that close with my siblings. They're not that young, the youngest is 18. It's weird between us though. I mentioned how my parents and the adults in my life were always toxic to me, but it was completely opposite for my siblings. I heard someone say once that a lot can change in a parents life from the birth of one child to another and so different circumstances can lead to them having favorites. I guess that's what happened with mine because though it was, and is, toxic and even hateful at times towards me it was always so different towards my siblings. They never got that hate. A part of me is super happy they almost never got at least the same amount of hate I did but another part of me wonders why I got any at all. In May 2022 I actually went into the hospital for an emergency surgery. I was there for about 4 or 5 days and in that time neither my brother or sister called or texted me, let alone visited me. In that hospital bed was the loneliest I ever felt and I felt kind of hurt that neither of them seemed to care. I texted them and called them but they didn't show much interest, even once I got out they seemed completely uninterested in what I'd just vene through and I don't know if it's selfish to say but it really hurt me. I told them as much later on and I didn't know what I expected but now we don't really talk.

The situation with my coworker is confusing to me. This would be a really long reply if I mentioned everything I felt. Long story short I've really REALLY fallen for them. Like I'm crazy about this person. But I don't know if they feel the same way towards me. And last time we saw each other they said they feel "free" because they didn't like the job. So in my mind I just can't bring myself to call or text or anything, what if they don't want anything to do with me?? They're worth fighting for and I'd do anything for them. There's no one I trust as much as them. But what if they don't feel the same?? I'm so conflicted. What if they don't miss me?? If I CTB, what if it doesn't matter?? I don't know. Sorry this is so long.

Thanks again.

may i ask why do you want to cbt? by what you say you seem to able to enjoy life, theres no rush to cbt there are very few reasons i could see for one needing to rush this kind of thing, if you aint completly sure about cbt yo dont have to do it, take your time in the end is probably the most important choise of your life

I answered this to someone else but basically I just feel like I lost everything. My entire life I always felt alone. No love from my family, almost even hate sometimes. Growing up like that made me feel unwanted, unloved, and even unworthy of just being happy. In March of last year I got a job and met a coworker there. VERY long story short they changed my life. They told me im one of the best things to happen to them. For the first time ever I feel wanted, even loved . I found everything I EVER could have wanted. Every I honestly dreamed of At this point I've fallen for them completely. But just about a month ago I lost the job. Now with literally only $60 in my account I'm back to living with this family that doesn't care about me. I don't know how I'll pay my car or insurance. And I don't know if or when I'll get to see my coworker anymore. I feel like I found absolutely Everything I ever wanted just to lose it.

Lonliness is such a hard felling, for unlike anything you cant ever escape it, i can relate to that, the dread of the empty void in the chest, days whitout talking to anyone, im sorry i haves come to this, but how about you get yourself sometime? maybe get another job, i like this quote from the little prince "theres also lonliness among men" seek company not people, another job other enviorment walk the road maybe youll find somewhere you fell more comfortable, theres no need to rush.

Thanks. I've definitely thought about getting another job and just keep going like that. But what keep dragging back is that I know I'll have to do with alone. When I started that job back in March 2022 my coworker and I were both new. It was tough and I would have probably quit if not for them. But we got to learn and grow together and then became pretty close as I said. But I know that even if I meet new interesting people at a new job, I'll still pretty much be alone. I found more than a coworker at my last job, they're someone who supports me and cares about me, who treats me life family. If I lose them that so I have left?? Any obstacle I face I'll have to face alone.

 

[Forever Sleep]

And last time we saw each other they said they feel "free" because they didn't like the job. So in my mind I just can't bring myself to call or text or anything, what if they don't want anything to do with me?? They're worth fighting for and I'd do anything for them.

Have you actually asked them this? Literally said- you really value their friendship but you also understand that they feel free to be out of that job. So- would they prefer to cut all ties- including your friendship, or can that continue? I might be wrong but it seems like- out of politeness, your making assumptions and trying not to bother them but- you simply don't know how they feel. I think you need to find out...

 

[Nights]

Nobody here wants to suicide, what we want is not death, we want our suffering to stop, so we will resort to suicide as a way to stop our suffering although it's not our preferable method to stop the suffering, however if you don't want to suicide then it's recommended that you re-analyze your feelings and your thoughts and what you want, and whether you are mentally ready to suicide or not, take your time thinking about this

 

[jigsaw_falling]

oh yes, i relate a lot, i actually posted a very similar thread recently too lol. i see so much beauty in my life, and in other humans (and i'm also human, so maybe i do see some beauty in myself, deep down). i could go on about how there's just so much that's possible, so many unique and small experiences and feelings that can shape us. i have sadly gotten a lot more suicidal over the past year, but i've still managed to grow in some ways. im more mature, more logical and reflective. i love finding media that expresses in words or visuals what i feel but don't know how to convey. cliche as it might sound, the small moments make me want to live- smoking a cigarette at 6am, watching the sunrise whilst listening to my favourite songs, has never failed to make me feel even slightly hopeful.

so yeah, i don't want to ctb, because there's so many what ifs but it feels like something that has to be done. i all have so much left to do, but god, im not strong enough. it feels like i'm wasting so much potential, but like you said, ctb seems like my only option. still have very contradictory feelings about all of this honestly, which is definitely not fun for my brain!

 

[The anhedonic one]

I would like to have lived a happy life, free from mental illness and poverty.
Yet this never happened, or ever will happen so therefore I must put myself out of my misery.

 

[NoLightRemains]

I don't want to CTB, but I NEED the suffering and consciousness to end. CTB just happens to be the only option with the nature of my problems.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

I've been feeling the same especially today... like I feel really bored?? But even the luxury of feeling bored but not being likeee far worse off than I am is a thing I am aware of.

I don't think I want to die bc its so uncertain and scary but I don't think I can continue to live either...

This confusion is so so soooo frustrating. I feel like since deciding to isolate and end my life things have been sooo... likeee hypervigilant feeling? Lot of unused energy in my body... I guess I just needa relax but the question of "what then" and I was lucky enough to have a lot of things going for me...

Honestly I dunno anymore. I always do this. I get pulled into death and then reconsider then get pulled into life and reconsider. I really thought I was making some hedgeway within all of this but honestly? I've just been in a lot of fucking emotional and physical pain these past few months. I've beeb making it seem ok or putting it into my mind that its ok and allowing others to convince that it is(toxic family, acquaintances, hell even my therapist) it's not ok. I haven't been ok and not dealing with that instead of trying to just focus on the "good" really burnt me out. Changing ones mindset matters but it isnt the solution to everything. Now I feel uncomfortable going back to my therapist and if I live might just find another one or take a break from therapy or address that I feel like she was brushing off a lot of my issues and putting into a "thinking problem"

Bc of my trauma I'm extremely influential even if I have my own way of thinking and all. Plus the kinda person I am I always wanna be open minded but maybe what I've learned is as a adult Im allowed to close my mind off to certain things and ways of thinking.


I dunno maybe this period will be some kinda like deep thinking time for myself or something.

I was and still am miserable. If my happiness or like a life I can withstand is found within completely doing nothing then what does that say about me and my life...

Maybe my life is too much I dunno.


I wrote a lot but that's on brand for me and my ADHD ass self. I think this break/isolation has allowed me to come back to some of the self love/confidence that I was just starting to gain and I was starting to feel slip away. anyway many thoughts but I'm still alive & all. I'm not sure I want to be but at least while alive I still have a choice kinda thing??

I don't wanna try living again only to crash a day later in suicidality again. So I dunno what to do anymore tbh.

 

[themisfell]

I can totally get the feeling. I've decided on my date and method but I think in another world, I wouldn't ctb. I'm just mentally ill to the point that it makes it actively difficult for me to exist in a world like this. It sucks. I wish I could be happy with myself and my life.