Does anyone else miss the days when they thought their life would get better?

[readybready]

I'm still in that phase where I still have hope. I hate it. Hope is the worst thing. It makes me conflicted. I just want to know whether I should end it now or not.

 

[Sweet Release]

"It was very hopeful thinking but thats what got me through the dark times.
For example when I was bullied at school I always cheered myself up by saying that at least school will be over in a few years and then I can grow into adulthood and things will be so much better."

This so much reminds me of a silly thing I once said to a teacher while in my last year of grade school. I was relating to her some of the crap I was getting from peers in my own class, and I said, "well, I can't wait until I get into Jr and Sr high." She asked me why. I told her I believed the students were going to be more mature there, and not as mean. She was honest, and let me know I was very much wrong about that. I mean, it didn't even occur to me that the students I'd be in those higher grades with are the same jerks I was with then. This goes together with your point about the times we believed things would get better. I certainly do not enjoy the blissful ignorance of that any more. But in addition to that, I also have had an unrealistic expectation (if that's the right word?) of how life should, or could, go. I watched a lot of TV and movies as a kid. And related to fictional life more than real. Now that's dispelled, given the very real things that have come to pass. All of which are only all too real, and can't be ignored. Something I did as much of in the past as I could to avoid reality.

I can totally relate to having an unrealistic expectation of how life should be particularly when influenced by fiction.
When I was young I used to watch Studio Ghibli animations and I loved the positivity of these films.
Even when bad things there was usually a happy ending and everything would have worked out in the end.
These days I can't even bare to watch those films as they remind me of the confident and optimistic person I used to be and the times when I honestly believed my life was going to be some kind of big adventure.
Anyway, I am sorry that your peers at school gave you such a hard time.

I'm still in that phase where I still have hope. I hate it. Hope is the worst thing. It makes me conflicted. I just want to know whether I should end it now or not.

I have been feeling the same for quite a whilst.
For example I would hear a story about someone who's life fell apart but now they are a success etc etc....
I now have reached the point where living is unbearable and hope just seems to be prolonging the agony.

Yup. That kind of thinking also got me through some dark times. Made me blissfully ignorant of the fact that in the end, I was my own biggest problem all along.

I can relate to that.
After all the shit I got from other people ultimately it was me that was going to cause my life to collapse.
The reget I feel is unbearable.

Constantly. I have never been fond of hurting others, in any capacity. Still, sometimes things are much bigger\more to handle than we realize.

In the last year I realised just how much I had fallen and just how hopeless I had become.
I am saddened at how my family will react but I just don't have the heart to carry on anymore.

 

[Sweet Release]

Both yes and no.
Lately I've been so fixated on death that I do not think about how I felt in the past, but more so in the present.
But I do remember the times where I had been young, hopeful, and excited for life. My eyes had that sparkle.
It's gone now though.

That rings so true.
People used to say that I was a really positive person and excitable person.
If they had seen the mess I would end up as I don't think they would even recognise me now.

Yeah im losing hopes of staying sane. I had unadressed issues that just blew up. Im a huge mess at this point and so scared of what happens to me in the future. I dont see a way to go on the way i am. Wish i had some hope for the future, but its a black hole.

Sounds so painful.
If its any comfort then please remember that we are all in that black hole together.
Hi again.
I would like to thank everyone who has commented on my thread.

Tonight I am going to make another attempt on my life and I fully intend to catch that bus.
If I am unsuccessful then you will hear from me tomorrow and I will be looking for advice on how to do a better job of it.
If you don't hear from me tomorrow then you can assume that I am now finally at peace.

It has been a pleasure getting to know the people here at Sanctioned Suicide.
If I could have met you people in person then I would give you all a hug.

Whatever you decide I hope that you all find joy, love, friendship and success either in this life or the next.

S.R.

Seven years ago my mum died after a ten year fight with dementia, during which myself, my brother and my sister worked together to look after her. Afterwards we grieved.

I thought I could finally get my life together. After this, I was due for a little good luck and I could start looking after myself. My siblings and I were closer than ever.

Then I was made redundant after fourteen years, ten of which were balancing the job with caring for my mum. I lost my flat and retreated to the vacant family home.

Okay I thought I can see this as an opportunity. I worked on the garden. I redecorated the house. I redesigned my cv and portfolio. I learned to code and built a website. I went for job interviews. I got a job. I prospered. I went on holiday, the first time in ten years.

Then I got ill. I tried to get help but all I got was shit doctors. I got worse. More shit doctors. I stopped sleeping. Ended up under mental health being told it was all down to depression and there was nothing wrong with me. I listened to them and took there drugs and deteriorated.

Then my brother and sister forced me out of the family home so they could get there hands on their share of the cash.

My health then took a serious nosedive to the point where I'm practically housebound in a house I hate that will never be home, alone 90 percent of the time and can't look after myself but have no one willing to look after me.

So yeah, my reward for feeling optimism was a resounding
Get back in your place and suffer.

Thats terrible!
So much for hope huh?

 

[Deleted member 1465]

That rings so true.
People used to say that I was a really positive person and excitable person.
If they had seen the mess I would end up as I don't think they would even recognise me now.

Sounds so painful.
If its any comfort then please remember that we are all in that black hole together.
Hi again.
I would like to thank everyone who has commented on my thread.

Tonight I am going to make another attempt on my life and I fully intend to catch that bus.
If I am unsuccessful then you will hear from me tomorrow and I will be looking for advice on how to do a better job of it.
If you don't hear from me tomorrow then you can assume that I am now finally at peace.

It has been a pleasure getting to know the people here at Sanctioned Suicide.
If I could have met you people in person then I would give you all a hug.

Whatever you decide I hope that you all find joy, love, friendship and success either in this life or the next.

S.R.

Thats terrible!
So much for hope huh?

Yeah. Sorry I removed that post. I thought it insensitive moaning about my problems as you posted you were going to ctb as I was writing it.

I wish you luck and I hope you find peace as your journey winds it's way into the clearing at the end of the path.

 

[Sweet Release]

Yeah. Sorry I removed that post. I thought it insensitive moaning about my problems as you posted you were going to ctb as I was writing it.

I wish you luck and I hope you find peace as your journey winds it's way into the clearing at the end of the path.

Its fine. You didn't do anything wrong and you didn't have to delete the post.
Thank you for your kind words and that clearing at the end of the path is sounding very inviting.
Wishing you peace too.

 

[anchored_astronaut]

Absolutely. For a long time I thought everything would be okay once I turned 18. I'd go away to college. I'd get away from my abusive home and the small minded people in this small town. I'd get a degree and use it to make the world a better place. I'd find a wonderful partner to share my life with. And all those terrible years would be worth it.

But.

I didn't graduate high school, despite my best efforts, so I didn't get to go away for college, and I am still trapped in this shitty town simply because I can't drive. Everything is too spread out to walk. All the job applications even ask if you have a valid license and a car because they know you can't reliably get to work without that. I can't relocate without money, but I can't make money without a job, which I'd have to relocate to get. It's a helluva catch 22, one that I was always aware of but thought I'd have a way around.

It's been heavy accepting that I'm going to die here, and that I ought to do it by my own hand before I suffer more than I already have. I haven't dealt with it well. I've done some regrettable things.

I very, very much miss when I was floating in the daydream that everything would be okay.

I used to like who I was. I lost the best of me when that delusion was shattered.

I wish I could feel the way I used to feel for even a day before I catch the bus. I hope the moments prior to my death will offer me a taste of that free, airy optimism.

 

[Wayfaerer]

Yeah, I miss those days. I stuck it out for so many years when I was miserable hoping for just that and when it finally came, I was close but not close enough.

 

[Spooks]

So much yes to this. I have always been an optimist, always ready for the good behind the bad. The last 7 odd years have slowly taken it away from me. I think the first time I was 100% sure that it wasn't actually going to get better was a couple of years ago.

 

[zherhk]

Thinking about lately.
I 'miss' what I was a couple of years ago, despite having almost same issues, I could have enjoyed life more, and sad thing is that I could not even reach this past situation.

 

[Marawa]

yep

 

[GIRL502Hopelessness]

sorry - is this Spanish?
[/CITAR]
yes...

 

[Sweet Release]

Well my recent attempt failed so I am still stuck here.
So angry and disappointed right now.

 

[Mr2005]

Yes I do. That was a decade ago now

 

[throwaway123]

No, false hope is never good. It ruins your life even more.

 

[Sweet Release]

No, false hope is never good. It ruins your life even more.

I know the feeling.

Yes I do. That was a decade ago now

You have been living without hope for so long!
I am sorry to hear that.

yep

Yeah. It really gets me down.

Thinking about lately.
I 'miss' what I was a couple of years ago, despite having almost same issues, I could have enjoyed life more, and sad thing is that I could not even reach this past situation.

I am sorry to hear that

So much yes to this. I have always been an optimist, always ready for the good behind the bad. The last 7 odd years have slowly taken it away from me. I think the first time I was 100% sure that it wasn't actually going to get better was a couple of years ago.

Sounds like life has just been drained out of you.
Sorry this happened to you.

Yeah, I miss those days. I stuck it out for so many years when I was miserable hoping for just that and when it finally came, I was close but not close enough.

Oh My God I can really relate to this!
Yeah I came close to reaching happiness as well and my life really did seem to be getting better until I goofed up and let it all come crashing down.
I am not trying to make this about me but I am just saying that I can relate.

Absolutely. For a long time I thought everything would be okay once I turned 18. I'd go away to college. I'd get away from my abusive home and the small minded people in this small town. I'd get a degree and use it to make the world a better place. I'd find a wonderful partner to share my life with. And all those terrible years would be worth it.

But.

I didn't graduate high school, despite my best efforts, so I didn't get to go away for college, and I am still trapped in this shitty town simply because I can't drive. Everything is too spread out to walk. All the job applications even ask if you have a valid license and a car because they know you can't reliably get to work without that. I can't relocate without money, but I can't make money without a job, which I'd have to relocate to get. It's a helluva catch 22, one that I was always aware of but thought I'd have a way around.

It's been heavy accepting that I'm going to die here, and that I ought to do it by my own hand before I suffer more than I already have. I haven't dealt with it well. I've done some regrettable things.

I very, very much miss when I was floating in the daydream that everything would be okay.

I used to like who I was. I lost the best of me when that delusion was shattered.

I wish I could feel the way I used to feel for even a day before I catch the bus. I hope the moments prior to my death will offer me a taste of that free, airy optimism.

What you went through sounds terrible!
I am sorry your still stuck in such a shitty situation.
Yeah I used to like myself too! I got to a point however when I couldn't bare looking in the mirror because I hated that sad loser looking back at me.
I really hope you find it yourself to be your own friend once again and find peace and happiness whatever happens.

 

[Conker]

I never genuinely thought my life would get better, I know my chances are better than some cases but I still don't expect any success regarding my body's recovery. Most of the damage done to me is irreversible & my wounds will never heal. At best I can be distracted by something cool or even beautiful.

I don't desire to lose any of my memories though, so even though amnesia is often used as a coping mechanism I don't want to go through it ever again.

 

[ObsessiveCompulsive]

Only had 1 good year in my life that I felt this way.

 

[Spooks]

Only had 1 good year in my life that I felt this way.

17 was a good year.

 

[APharmaDestroyedLife]

Lately... just living in the good memories in my mind is what keeps be going day to day. I do miss the days when I knew I was going to beat this, but after so many years a person can not help but lose hope, I am in a different category than a lot of people on this site. I honestly thought there would be more terminally sick people, so for me it came to a point medically where there was no hope for it getting better. I want to make it clear I in no way am being judgmental to people with pain syndromes or mental anguish , I would never judge anyone else. For me the days of hoping stopped about 6 months ago... I am already at the bus stop, for me it's just a matter if I want to wait for my scheduled bus or take an earlier one.

 

[ObsessiveCompulsive]

17 was a good year.

Funny that you mentioned that cause that's the same year I'm talking about.

 

[Spooks]

Funny that you mentioned that cause that's the same year I'm talking about.

My favourite year to date.

 

[Final Escape]

Yes, in my teens was the last time I thought maybe life will get better. By my 20's I was destroying myself, not on purpose but I was very nihilistic and had a very damaged worldview.

 

[MelancholyPie]

I'm still in that phase where I still have hope. I hate it. Hope is the worst thing. It makes me conflicted. I just want to know whether I should end it now or not.

Same here. I just got here, found this forum while Google searching for N. No matter how many bad things I go through, it seems like there's always this feeling of "there should be hope" and it makes me conflicted. But I feel so much pain, I just wanted to have a good time.

 

[Absurdity]

There are few truer words than 'Hope dies last'..