Does anyone else “miss” S/Hing, despite being clean?

[IfGodHadLegs]

This is my first post here so apologies for anything unclear; hopefully nothing is.

I've been clean from self-harm for four years and some change. I'm incredibly happy to have reached that point, for years I couldn't reach past a week or two so I feel incredibly grateful and privileged to be free from that addiction. Despite those years being behind me in recovery, often I feel that same urge coming back to me whenever I feel awful, like it's trying to make me fall down that same pit I crawled out of years ago. The honest truth is that self-harming often did make me feel better, but it's such a nasty habit that completely fucks up your mental in the process. I hate how no one is allowed to admit that publicly, despite that being the reason so many people become reliant on it. I know that if I'm truly feeling awful there's a solution that'll make me feel better for a moment, but if I go back I fear I'll never get this far again. Despite me being emotionally stable, I am by definition mentally-ill for life so perhaps that's the reason why. Hopefully someone here can understand where I'm coming from/can share their experiences, if they feel similarly.


Peace :]

 

[deadanddecomposing]

I feel the same way. Even when clean, it's tempting. It sucks, but it works better than any breathing exercise or journaling. At least in the moment.

 

[IfGodHadLegs]

I feel the same way. Even when clean, it's tempting. It sucks, but it works better than any breathing exercise or journaling. At least in the moment.

Very true. It really did help the most, unfortunately. I guess it's similar to how ex-smokers still crave a cigarette once in a while, it's hard to get rid of those cravings once you've been down that path. That "in the moment" bit is integral though, I try to remember it's just not worth the mess it brings long term. I hope your recovery has been well :)

 

[Ganymede]

For me personally SH was a form of self punishment I did. It's hard for me to forgive myself. As the saying goes, guilt is an ocean for people to drown in.

I've though over it after I became clean. Whenever we do something that we deem as bad, our morality believes that we need to be punished for it. That's how humanity has made laws since prehistoric age. But what helped me is that I understood that everyone makes mistakes and that I shouldn't be so harsh on myself over every single little thing, because I'm not perfect. So as to your question - no, I don't want to self harm anymore. It is easier than owning up to my own faults, but it doesn't get me anywhere, it doesn't fix the core of the problem.

 

[Kenny]

I stopped SH about a month ago and I thought my life was really improving for the last few days, and then reality threw another brick at my face and I feel as if I'm going to end up back where I was. That and I just shaved my arms yesterday because idk I shaved all over anyway it was really weird uncovering my skin in that area because turns out, it's all kinda discoloured.

I haven't been officially diagnosed yet but I am pretty sure that I also am mentally ill for life. I've looked at symptoms of all sorts of stuff and I am pretty certain that I have BPD, ADHD, and possibly OCD. Not 100% sure if I have it because I have not been diagnosed but I'm pretty certain. If I do actually have it then that means I am going to have these thoughts for life probably, and I've had them since I was really young anyway so yeah.

I hope you keep getting better as well, I wish you the best :D

 

[doener11]

I'm so glad you've been off SH for four years now, and your experience is normal. SH is like any other addiction, it's short-term pleasure but long-term hurt, meaning you do feel as though you 'miss' it, you miss that short-term relief, and are blocked from that because you know the consequences. I've come to understand that the short-term relief isn't good, because I know the consequences are so severe; you have almost certainly got there too. Even if you try it again, you will understand why you don't actually miss SH, you only miss that quick relief.

 

[IfGodHadLegs]

For me personally SH was a form of self punishment I did. It's hard for me to forgive myself. As the saying goes, guilt is an ocean for people to drown in.

I've though over it after I became clean. Whenever we do something that we deem as bad, our morality believes that we need to be punished for it. That's how humanity has made laws since prehistoric age. But what helped me is that I understood that everyone makes mistakes and that I shouldn't be so harsh on myself over every single little thing, because I'm not perfect. So as to your question - no, I don't want to self harm anymore. It is easier than owning up to my own faults, but it doesn't get me anywhere, it doesn't fix the core of the problem.

This is very beautifully written, thank you taking the time to reply. I can definitely relate to the punishment aspect of sh. As I've grown older it's been easier to forgive myself for my mistakes; still I should have a more consistent reminder to myself that life moves on even if I mess up. I'll make sure to keep this in mind :)

 

[m3nhera]

This is my first post here so apologies for anything unclear; hopefully nothing is.

I've been clean from self-harm for four years and some change. I'm incredibly happy to have reached that point, for years I couldn't reach past a week or two so I feel incredibly grateful and privileged to be free from that addiction. Despite those years being behind me in recovery, often I feel that same urge coming back to me whenever I feel awful, like it's trying to make me fall down that same pit I crawled out of years ago. The honest truth is that self-harming often did make me feel better, but it's such a nasty habit that completely fucks up your mental in the process. I hate how no one is allowed to admit that publicly, despite that being the reason so many people become reliant on it. I know that if I'm truly feeling awful there's a solution that'll make me feel better for a moment, but if I go back I fear I'll never get this far again. Despite me being emotionally stable, I am by definition mentally-ill for life so perhaps that's the reason why. Hopefully someone here can understand where I'm coming from/can share their experiences, if they feel similarly.


Peace :]

Don't worry you're not weird, I miss it too. I only quit because I was forced to(abusive parents, ironic right?) like you can't hurt yourself but they can do it whenever. But it's too risky to try again there's no privacy in this house and the things they do to you and the things that get ripped from you aren't worth it. I might even go as far as to say most of us miss s/h, just like recovering addicts miss drugs. We miss it but everyone has a different reason for choosing or being forced to quit. You're not alone.

 

[IfGodHadLegs]

I stopped SH about a month ago and I thought my life was really improving for the last few days, and then reality threw another brick at my face and I feel as if I'm going to end up back where I was. That and I just shaved my arms yesterday because idk I shaved all over anyway it was really weird uncovering my skin in that area because turns out, it's all kinda discoloured.

I haven't been officially diagnosed yet but I am pretty sure that I also am mentally ill for life. I've looked at symptoms of all sorts of stuff and I am pretty certain that I have BPD, ADHD, and possibly OCD. Not 100% sure if I have it because I have not been diagnosed but I'm pretty certain. If I do actually have it then that means I am going to have these thoughts for life probably, and I've had them since I was really young anyway so yeah.

I hope you keep getting better as well, I wish you the best :D

First off congrats on being a month clean, that's great :)

When I first started taking getting clean seriously, it was very hard to ignore the feeling that was telling myself that I was gonna end up back where I was before. It's very easy to fall back into it in the early stages, what helped me then was trying to frame things like they were already long behind me. Even with my cravings returning every once in a while, I tell myself that's not me anymore, I don't do that anymore. It's way easier said than done but it definitely helps me a lot.

Hopefully you'll be able to receive a diagnosis/treatment soon. I recommend looking into professionals that specialize in what you feel you might have, as it'll save you the possible confusion you'll get seeking a generalist. Not that they're bad, they help, they just have a different focus that's all. Meds completely changed my life and made things significantly easier for me mentally, hopefully for you it's the same. It's still possible to have an enjoyable, 'normal' life despite it all, even if it doesn't feel so at the moment.

I wish you the best as well, appreciate it :]

 

[dragonofenvy]

I recently relapsed after 8 years and regret it. I think my shoulders are gonna have some pretty bad scars because of it. In the moments leading up to it I remember the feeling of relief it gave me, and was hoping it would give me that same relief. It did. For about 5 seconds anyways. Now I'm dealing with the shame of having done it and wishing I had done something else. It's as though I intentionally self-sabotaged and made things worse for myself.

I still get the thoughts sometimes but they're not as intense as they used to be. I think being clean from cannabis has helped that out. This Monday I'll be one week sober. Yippee!

 

[BooksIsAloneK]

I've only sh'd a few times in the last 10~ years but the urges seem to always be lurking underneath.

I first did when I was 12-13, I actually did it for scarification purposes and "thought it looked cool" then didn't liked my choice of scar and started "trying to cover it up" with more. Then I got addicted.

Then it became a coping mechanism. I eventually slowed way down before stopping when I got a staph infection that could have killed me.

I covered most of my arm by 21 and have a handful in a few other places but I can't help but lately find myself wishing I would do it again and "finish my work".

I definitely miss it. I've been clean for around 5-6 years, had a small relapse after being clean for 5-6 years.

 

[westerly_merlin]

Been clean for 10 months now. Still get the urge from time to time, normally when I feel overwhelmed.

It has taken years to forgive myself, but now I am cool with it, the scars are quite random (not neat lines or blocks) and now look more like wrinkles as I have aged.

Well done to anyone that stops SH, but if you do relapse or continue - be cool with yourself, it is just what you do sometimes.

Stay safe now

 

[trying ungracefully]

Not really. Every time I end up not self harming when I really want to I look back and I am happy I didn't. I hate the scars that I have and I am getting more insecure with them as I age. I keep looking at them with disgust now because in some areas of my thigh the skin is deformed at this point because of scars on top of scars. Then it is so obvious that I still cut if people see because the old ones are white and the new are purple which is so embarrassing.

I remember one time as a teen my scars were showing on the bus. A woman was right in front of me staring at them and then started to pray for me I think because she clasped her hands and started looking down. Another guy said it looked like tiger marks which was offensive because I wanted to be seen as a normal girl. People ask questions and then are uncomfortable with the answer.

It brings a lot of negatives and the positive only lasts short term.