Discussion Does anyone else find relief in ctb'ing in the future?

[tiggles2000]

Today I ordered SN and DMSO. They should both be here by this time next week.

Even if I don't take them right away, as many have said, it will be a huge comfort just knowing that I can end it all. All that is left to decide is the time and place.

 

[SunSetsForever]

It's both a relief and a motivation. Knowing that I have a limited time to do the things I need to do. Way better than waiting for retirement, then waiting to die.

 

[odette]

How are you folks so zen about it? I'm terrified of dying. I feel like I would do anything to be allowed to live, but I know I have to die. How do you do it? What is your secret?

 

[Redt2go]

How are you folks so zen about it? I'm terrified of dying. I feel like I would do anything to be allowed to live, but I know I have to die. How do you do it? What is your secret?

No hopes of happiness or love/ companionship in my future... Also failing miserably at life in general... Belief in peace in the afterlife or unawareness via nothingness.. I hate waking up to my reality... A lot of things just gone to shit... Also being too poor to not struggle in life ...

 

[TAW122]

How are you folks so zen about it? I'm terrified of dying. I feel like I would do anything to be allowed to live, but I know I have to die. How do you do it? What is your secret?

Well, for starters, my life is mostly shit, from childhood (abusive parents and bullying) to adolescence, and even adulthood hasn't gotten much better. Then couple with the fact that I'm an 2nd gen Asian American growing up the west (rip dating prospects and what not), and of course, add Aspergers and social anxiety along with other insecurities to make matters worse. If things hasn't sucked enough, I also don't have many interests outside of maybe music, video games, and some obscure topics (philosophy, death, suicide, firearms, etc.). Then objectively speaking, having a small job that I just barely survive off of, social life is a joke, and then of course, there are things outside of my control such as how much society sucks, how much life in general sucks, and etc.

Pretty much I'm only alive for the last decade because mainly of copes and reaching those tiny bits of fleeting happiness and joy. While it may seem like an impulsive decision to decide my fate on one event next week, it isn't because I have suicidal ideation ever since my teenage years (currently 28 now), and that one event would be either be the straw that breaks my back or the last bit of cope for me to live longer.

 

[odette]

Well, for starters, my life is mostly shit, from childhood (abusive parents and bullying) to adolescence, and even adulthood hasn't gotten much better. Then couple with the fact that I'm an 2nd gen Asian American growing up the west (rip dating prospects and what not), and of course, add Aspergers and social anxiety along with other insecurities to make matters worse. If things hasn't sucked enough, I also don't have many interests outside of maybe music, video games, and some obscure topics (philosophy, death, suicide, firearms, etc.). Then objectively speaking, having a small job that I just barely survive off of, social life is a joke, and then of course, there are things outside of my control such as how much society sucks, how much life in general sucks, and etc.

Pretty much I'm only alive for the last decade because mainly of copes and reaching those tiny bits of fleeting happiness and joy. While it may seem like an impulsive decision to decide my fate on one event next week, it isn't because I have suicidal ideation ever since my teenage years (currently 28 now), and that one event would be either be the straw that breaks my back or the last bit of cope for me to live longer.

What would make your life tolerable enough that you would want to live?

 

[odette]

No hopes of happiness or love/ companionship in my future... Also failing miserably at life in general... Belief in peace in the afterlife or unawareness via nothingness.. I hate waking up to my reality... A lot of things just gone to shit... Also being too poor to not struggle in life ...

So you would want to live if you had love and companionship?

 

[TAW122]

What would make your life tolerable enough that you would want to live?

If I wasn't born as an Asian American in a western society, but born Caucasian, not have this Aspergers and social anxiety bullshit, and of course, having a fulfilling life on my terms. However, all of these things pretty much impossible to happen; as I can't choose to be born without Aspergers, nor can I choose to be Caucasian (I guess I could bleach my skin but not gonna go there). Therefore, I'm only alive because of coping and just barely tolerating this existence called 'life'.

 

[odette]

If I wasn't born as an Asian American in a western society, but born Caucasian, not have this Aspergers and social anxiety bullshit, and of course, having a fulfilling life on my terms. However, all of these things pretty much impossible to happen; as I can't choose to be born without Aspergers, nor can I choose to be Caucasian (I guess I could bleach my skin but not gonna go there). Therefore, I'm only alive because of coping and just barely tolerating this existence called 'life'.

What is wrong with being Asian American and having Aspergers?

 

[TAW122]

What is wrong with being Asian American and having Aspergers?

Well being an Asian American in western society, especially as a male means that my dating and social prospects are shit. Asian males in western society are often emasculated, ridiculed, became the butt of jokes, and often not taken seriously in many areas of life except for STEM fields and various other stereotypical fields and what not. Then of course, Aspergers really drove a serious nail in the coffin because it is a developmental disorder that makes someone socially awkward and unable to pick up social cues as well as socialize. Most non-Aspergers people are able to just 'pick' up social cues and have much less difficulty socializing and holding conversations with others w/o the awkwardness and stuff. To the non-Aspie, the Aspie mind makes little to no sense to them. I wished I never had Aspergers to begin with on top of being born as an Asian in the US.

 

[odette]

Well being an Asian American in western society, especially as a male means that my dating and social prospects are shit. Asian males in western society are often emasculated, ridiculed, became the butt of jokes, and often not taken seriously in many areas of life except for STEM fields and various other stereotypical fields and what not. Then of course, Aspergers really drove a serious nail in the coffin because it is a developmental disorder that makes someone socially awkward and unable to pick up social cues as well as socialize. Most non-Aspergers people are able to just 'pick' up social cues and have much less difficulty socializing and holding conversations with others w/o the awkwardness and stuff. To the non-Aspie, the Aspie mind makes little to no sense to them. I wished I never had Aspergers to begin with on top of being born as an Asian in the US.

Are you sure people don't want to date you? I'm a white woman and I have had many crushes on Asian men in my life, but never managed to get capture any of their attention.

 

[TAW122]

Well, where I live the prospects are slim and coupled with Aspergers, which has no cure and is a life-long disability, I'm pretty much fucked in that aspect. There are other reasons but I don't want to go off tangent even more..

 

[odette]

Well, where I live the prospects are slim and coupled with Aspergers, which has no cure and is a life-long disability, I'm pretty much fucked in that aspect. There are other reasons but I don't want to go off tangent even more..

Do you live in a really small town somewhere that everyone is close-minded?

 

[Redt2go]

Do you live in a really small town somewhere that everyone is close-minded?

Ofc I think Asian men are certainly sexy but there is some societal stigma about them just about everywhere around the world unfortunately... I think with videos like this the perception is changing but slowly

 

[odette]

Ofc I think Asian men are certainly sexy but there is some societal stigma about them just about everywhere around the world unfortunately... I think with videos like this the perception is changing but slowly

That is a shitty horrible media portrayal. I'm sure the effect on @thrw_a_way1221221's self-image is very real, but I don't believe his dating prospects are anywhere near as bad as he believes. And the host of that video is very sexy!

 

[Redt2go]

That is a shitty horrible media portrayal. I'm sure the effect on @thrw_a_way1221221's self-image is very real, but I don't believe his dating prospects are anywhere near as bad as he believes. And the host of that video is very sexy!

Agreed, agreed and agreed

 

[TAW122]

@odette I believe that we agree to disagree nevertheless. Plus, don't forget about the social anxiety and Aspergers, which is a factor that cannot be ignored at all. That alone has ruined my chances of getting even a normal social life, let alone getting into a relationship (even let alone moreso, getting laid). As far as my physical appearance, I'll just say I'm not athletic, super tall, not really physically attractive, and of course, not very wealthy, I'm just barely getting by.

 

[odette]

@odette I believe that we agree to disagree nevertheless. Plus, don't forget about the social anxiety and Aspergers, which is a factor that cannot be ignored at all. That alone has ruined my chances of getting even a normal social life, let alone getting into a relationship (even let alone moreso, getting laid). As far as my physical appearance, I'll just say I'm not athletic, super tall, not really physically attractive, and of course, not very wealthy, I'm just barely getting by.

I know you feel like you have no chance, that you will never get a relationship. I know how lonely and doomed that feels, it is awful. I get that you feel like you will always be alone. But I would like to present to you the possibility that your relationship problems are fixable, that you would be able to obtain a happy relationship if you took the right steps.

Aspergers definitely makes it difficult, but far from impossible. You will probably need to work on some social and communication skills, and you will also need to find someone who is understanding and doesn't expect you to behave neurotypical. Social anxiety also makes it difficult. You will probably need to force yourself to go into some situations that are scary for you. You have very real problems and they are hard, but they are not insurmountable.

Have you tried being open with people about the fact that you have asperger's and social anxiety and would like some help with social stuff? If your social life is already bad, what do you have to lose?

 

[TAW122]

I know you feel like you have no chance, that you will never get a relationship. I know how lonely and doomed that feels, it is awful. I get that you feel like you will always be alone. But I would like to present to you the possibility that your relationship problems are fixable, that you would be able to obtain a happy relationship if you took the right steps.

Aspergers definitely makes it difficult, but far from impossible. You will probably need to work on some social and communication skills, and you will also need to find someone who is understanding and doesn't expect you to behave neurotypical. Social anxiety also makes it difficult. You will probably need to force yourself to go into some situations that are scary for you. You have very real problems and they are hard, but they are not insurmountable.

Have you tried being open with people about the fact that you have asperger's and social anxiety and would like some help with social stuff? If your social life is already bad, what do you have to lose?

Yes, I have tried to be open, and it often just results in awkwardness and people just feeling sorry for me, then not wanting to be around me.

Playing devil's advocate and just suppose that even if things do succeed (at a very high cost emotionally, psychologically, and even time and money wise), then there is still the question of whether it is worth it. In my opinion and where I am currently in life, I would say that even if I did manage to make it happen, it would not be worth it for me. Plus, I've also found that I like being alone for a good bit of my free time.