does anyone else feel like they have no choice? Like this is the only option left because they've tried everything?

[Usako0504]

This is my first thread so please be nice.
I'm really thinking about ctb but I'm not sure. I want to get better but I've tried therapy for 15+ years. I was fired from my dream job last year in tech after working 7 years to get there, after I relocated my entire life. I'm running out of unemployment soon and I have picked up a part time job but, I'm not making enough money. After unemployment runs out in another month I don't know what to do. I've had about 18 jobs (and I'm 27) and I can't go back to school because I have dyscalculia and no financial aid left.

I feel like I fucked up my entire life and I've tried so many self help books, therapy, shrooms, and I really just want to be and feel better but I'm not getting better. My fiance left me after moving for this job and I've been at this suicidal point so many times but it's not getting better. I've tried everything and it's not getting better. I don't want to do this whole cycle anymore. I'm so scared and tired. I'm 27 years old, I'm not a kid anymore. I'm gonna be entering my 30s soon enough and between no job or romantic prospects I don't want to do this anymore.

 

[Unending]

That sounds terribly rough, I'm in a similar situation in terms of feeling like I have put in an excess of effort towards getting better with no progress made despite having tried just about every treatment. In fact, I've gotten much much worse. It's hard to think of where to go from this point for sure.

Anyways, just wanted to let you know that I definitely relate on that feeling big time and you're not alone there. Life is really something else.

 

[myownpetvirus]

Is your main issue depression when you speak of various therapies? And no I would never ctb in your shoes personally. It sounds like you are very capable of functioning well in society. Many people go through breakups and job losses especially in their 20s. Give this some more time you're just in a rough patch

 

[yufei]

也许这就是习得性无助。也许有些人不适合生活在这个世界上

 

[Hotsackage]

im 35 and still live at home on disability. so i can relate

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I've always been frightened and scared of exploring options…

 

[Usako0504]

That sounds terribly rough, I'm in a similar situation in terms of feeling like I have put in an excess of effort towards getting better with no progress made despite having tried just about every treatment. In fact, I've gotten much much worse. It's hard to think of where to go from this point for sure.

Anyways, just wanted to let you know that I definitely relate on that feeling big time and you're not alone there. Life is really something else.

I feel that so much, it sucks because it feels like there's nothing else to try.

Is your main issue depression when you speak of various therapies? And no I would never ctb in your shoes personally. It sounds like you are very capable of functioning well in society. Many people go through breakups and job losses especially in their 20s. Give this some more time you're just in a rough patch

it's depression and PTSD that prevents me from functioning especially well. I've just never been able to hold down a job as an adult. I've been fired from nearly every job I've had because of my inability to function. Mostly sales an customer service, but I was a product designer and I worked my entire 20s to get there and was fired unceremoniously. I spoke with a lot of mentors both in and out of my company who said it wasn't really my fault but I still feel like a failure.
It feels like it's been nothing but rough patches my entire life and I don't know what else to do.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

As someone with the kind of life you fear it seems to me that you still got a chance and some time though I understand the doubt it could improve for you. You have a precedent of having things (a dream job, a fiancé) and I think that counts for something in terms of your prospects. It sounds like you weren't really responsible for the loss of those things but I know it isn't encouraging either. These losses were shattering for you and you're still in the direct aftermath so how you feel now isn't necessarily how you're always going to feel. You've shown a lot of adaptability and scrappiness before and I know it's tiring to be put to the test once more. I don't know, given your uncertainty I just have the impression you can still make it through. Just to have to focus on the steps rather than the wider process.

 

[pickajack]

HI Usako, just sending some encouragement your way.

A ton of people (lots of them great employees with good future prospects) just got unceremoniously fired from their tech jobs recently. Really sorry that happened to you, especially after putting in so much work to get there.

It is great that you have mentors. I would say believe them that it's not your fault. They are mentors because they have more experience and perspective. I know it's super hard to stay positive. But like @LaVieEnRose said, you have a precedent of adaptability and achievement. I hope you can keep getting support from your mentors and other people cheering you on. We believe in you!

 

[tryingtoescape]

Absolutely. I have no other choice. It's my only way out.

 

[FrozenMango]

you are a fighter and you worked hard on yourself. a new door may open soon you never know

 

[Usako0504]

HI Usako, just sending some encouragement your way.

A ton of people (lots of them great employees with good future prospects) just got unceremoniously fired from their tech jobs recently. Really sorry that happened to you, especially after putting in so much work to get there.

It is great that you have mentors. I would say believe them that it's not your fault. They are mentors because they have more experience and perspective. I know it's super hard to stay positive. But like @LaVieEnRose said, you have a precedent of adaptability and achievement. I hope you can keep getting support from your mentors and other people cheering you on. We believe in you!

Thank you for you and everyone's kind words. I'm still really struggling and in pain. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Thank you for you and everyone's kind words. I'm still really struggling and in pain. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do.

You're still grieving a major loss. It's understandable to still be struggling but deep and fresh grief isn't really right mental place to make the decision to CTB. Did your mentors have any insight about the next steps when it comes to your career in your industry?

 

[Usako0504]

You're still grieving a major loss. It's understandable to still be struggling but deep and fresh grief isn't really right mental place to make the decision to CTB. Did your mentors have any insight about the next steps when it comes to your career in your industry?

They wanted me to keep working on my portfolio, which is fine but it's extremely hard for me to get even looked at because I don't have a college degree which I can't afford and due to learning disabilities with math (which isn't relevant to my specific field) I don't think I'll ever be able to achieve. There's also just mass layoffs all over my industry right now so I'm not feeling very good about things.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I feel that it's my only choice in the sense that trying everything else won't bring me to the results I want. At best, I can cope, and that just doesn't seem worth it to me.

 

[Usako0504]

I feel that it's my only choice in the sense that trying everything else won't bring me to the results I want. At best, I can cope, and that just doesn't seem worth it to me.

That's how I feel too.

 

[sunnydaysahead]

This is my first thread so please be nice.
I'm really thinking about ctb but I'm not sure. I want to get better but I've tried therapy for 15+ years. I was fired from my dream job last year in tech after working 7 years to get there, after I relocated my entire life. I'm running out of unemployment soon and I have picked up a part time job but, I'm not making enough money. After unemployment runs out in another month I don't know what to do. I've had about 18 jobs (and I'm 27) and I can't go back to school because I have dyscalculia and no financial aid left.

I feel like I fucked up my entire life and I've tried so many self help books, therapy, shrooms, and I really just want to be and feel better but I'm not getting better. My fiance left me after moving for this job and I've been at this suicidal point so many times but it's not getting better. I've tried everything and it's not getting better. I don't want to do this whole cycle anymore. I'm so scared and tired. I'm 27 years old, I'm not a kid anymore. I'm gonna be entering my 30s soon enough and between no job or romantic prospects I don't want to do this anymore.

I go through depression cycles. I usually can tell physically when I'm in the depressed part of the cycle if my room gets messy and I stop caring. Right now, I'm kind of torn about death. I feel like shit about leaving my sister behind, but I have a strong (although mostly passive) urge to die. I had a therapist once, she honestly was terrible at her job imo but she was nice. I don't want to go to therapy again, I don't want to lie about being not suicidal so they don't stick me in the psyche ward.

 

[Usako0504]

I go through depression cycles. I usually can tell physically when I'm in the depressed part of the cycle if my room gets messy and I stop caring. Right now, I'm kind of torn about death. I feel like shit about leaving my sister behind, but I have a strong (although mostly passive) urge to die. I had a therapist once, she honestly was terrible at her job imo but she was nice. I don't want to go to therapy again, I don't want to lie about being not suicidal so they don't stick me in the psyche ward.

I understand that much, I have a therapist that at least I can talk about being suicidal, just not plans and she's generally cool and helpful about it I just don't feel like i'm getting better.

 

[Meretricious]

This is my first thread so please be nice.
I'm really thinking about ctb but I'm not sure. I want to get better but I've tried therapy for 15+ years. I was fired from my dream job last year in tech after working 7 years to get there, after I relocated my entire life. I'm running out of unemployment soon and I have picked up a part time job but, I'm not making enough money. After unemployment runs out in another month I don't know what to do. I've had about 18 jobs (and I'm 27) and I can't go back to school because I have dyscalculia and no financial aid left.

I feel like I fucked up my entire life and I've tried so many self help books, therapy, shrooms, and I really just want to be and feel better but I'm not getting better. My fiance left me after moving for this job and I've been at this suicidal point so many times but it's not getting better. I've tried everything and it's not getting better. I don't want to do this whole cycle anymore. I'm so scared and tired. I'm 27 years old, I'm not a kid anymore. I'm gonna be entering my 30s soon enough and between no job or romantic prospects I don't want to do this anymore.

My fiancé left me about 2 weeks ago; I'm singing the same lonely song.

Man. You had several hits at once, so it seems even more arduous to endure the overload. Job loss - dream job at that! - and loss of a loved one are big fucking deals.

Psychedelics helped me, but the permanence that people speak of never stuck with me; not sure why. I enjoyed most of my experiences, but the more pleasant moods and changes never lasted more than a few months at a time, at best.

I truly believe life gets harder the older you get, so I'd have to agree with you, in that things probably won't get better (especially if they haven't been). But, I think the bigger question is, what are you willing to endure from here on out? If you can't, then you have your answer.