It's interesting to see that people, even tho it seems like they already given up, always hang on something. Look for a deeper meaning in whatever goes. For some people it's just simple movie quotes; for some it may be something like those motivational quotes; others like to clinge onto religion and some others look for a deeper meaning in music (mostly lyrics). I am one of the last kind aswell. I think, in my case at least, it's just my brain trying to heal, having a grain of hope. Either way it's the reality of those of experience it. It's true for those even tho it's not true for others. Kinda makes me think more about what is true and what not.
And to answer your question: Yes i do. I feel like my life is a tragic piece of some twisted mind who thought it'd be funny to make a cruel drama. I'm having epilepsy which delays the right anti depressants for me since i also could run into a higher risk to get another seizure solely due to serotonin and its function as a messenger for feelings of happiness and as a messenger that is released during all kinds of muscle movements. What a fucking joke. Excuse my wording. I'm always there for others while those don't recognize me being unstable most of the time. Hell.. I'm to blame for that by now. I push people away that try to help me, feeling abandoned when they do so but also feeling like a mastermind because i know i did it on purpose and they're just my puppets so to speak. I used to make fun of people who try to cope by having sex with strangers, now i'm the one doing the same thing, not only that but actively seeking out the most shady people for it in hopes of getting treated like i feel most of the time, like i deserve all of it. There's a macabrous thin line between drama and comedy, that's for sure.
I used to steal my mothers anti depressants when i was like 17 years old. Abusing them, taking 10 pills a day (5 pills at once and after around 1h and a half i drop the other 5 pills because otherwise i'd just throw em up). Now, at age 26, i got anti depressants as prescription medication. Not even the therapists or psychiatrists could understand me, they just said i had to be brave. Like, that would be everything i'd need.
And my absolute favorites:
Call the telephone counseling service and no one answers.
In the psychiatric ward of my nearest hospital, I spoke to a therapist who always told me (no matter what topic I wanted to discuss) that "that would go beyond the scope". Thanks for nothing. Speaking of it. I had myself admitted in the hope, among other things, that I would get a diagnosis so that I would at least know what was wrong with me. The same therapist said I had borderline. A few months later, same institution only this time I was in the day clinic with other therapists. It was said that I had a Dependent and an Avoidant personality disorder without any trace of actual borderline. And on top of that, a therapist asked me what the "gain from illness" was. I'm still upset that she didn't understand that I wanted to know what was going on with me and not try to gain anything from it. Because the other patients, in fact all the other patients there, were completely satisfied with the therapists, I doubt myself. Is my second diagnosis correct? Is my first one correct? Do I want sickness gain? What really is the disorder and what am I? What is the truth? The circle closes again here.
tl;dr
Yes, you're not alone.
