Venting Did anyone else start wanting to CTB a little more seriously after experiencing someone else in your life doing the same?

[iwashere]

Hi! I'm a new member. This is just a ramble… a mind dump. Just some things on my mind. All my life I've been suicidal, more seriously in the last 3-4 years. When I started college two years ago, I met my roommate. She was your typical sorority girl and we got along so well! Genuinely my best friend. I remember I thought going to college was going to solve all my problems. No friends in high school? College! Couldn't find 'your people?' Don't worry, you'll find them in college! And at first, I did and it was amazing. But that feeling I was running away from slowly crept back and I was back to laying in my bed everyday wondering what the fuck my life even was. My roommate would come to my room and she'd notice. One time she candidly asked me, "..do you want to kill your self?" and I just said yes. She gave me this look i've never seen before, like she was so heartbroken or like it was the saddest thing she's ever heard. She got me food. We talked. Then St. Patties Day 2023. It all falls apart. I get raped, we get into a huge argument which to make a long story short culminated into a video being passed around my college, my parents, neighbors and I getting harassed in the middle of the night for months by both my roommate and her friend, other randoms from the college. Genuinely the worst year of my life and if I had a gun I would've killed myself then. I'm just such a fucking pussy I could never do anything that has even the chance of failing or hurting. Too scared to jump from the top of a building, don't know how to properly hang myself and I don't want to deal with the stomach cramps when you take pills LOL I have a low pain tolerance…!!! Well guess what. Four months ago, my roommate killed herself. Shot herself at a boat launch. She went on vacation over winter break with her friends, and while she was on vacation her boyfriend back home killed himself. Nine days later she did the same thing. Despite the fact that I was as actively planning how I'm going to figure out how i'm going to do this, I find out that my roommate died. If anything this has only catalyzed and solidified the plan in my head, my mind hasn't been clear in the last year but especially the past 4 months. I don't think I was ever as close to doing it as I was the night I drove to the water tower in my town. Only thing that stopped me was the fact that it wasn't tall enough—and I need to ensure it's a height that it's absolutely unsurvivable. At this point i'm obsessively planning, scouting buildings, reading experiences, finding medications, figuring out who has a gun. All of it. And it's not her fault at all but what it really made me realize was that this is what I have to do. I'm itching for a trigger or just some impulse so I can finally throw in the towel. Because when I'm in mode, i'm in mode and nothing will change my mind. I've honestly just been hoping for something really bad to happen to me so I can just say fuck the gun and get enough guts to do a method i'm scared to use. God dammit if only I had a gun.

 

[Fall_Apart]

This is a good question. In fact, these days, a person I did not know well but who was in my acquaintances did CTB. This news made me more suicidal than expected because it makes me feel more motivated. In fact, this phenomenon has been studied in the past, and is classified as the Werther effect, that is, that the news of a suicide increases the possibility that other people with suicidal tendencies commit CTB. I think that when we realize we have suicidal tendencies, it is a point of no return and therefore this news can have a great impact.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

I for one would hate to be upstaged if I killed myself and someone followed.

 

[lovedread]

Hi! I'm a new member. This is just a ramble… a mind dump. Just some things on my mind. All my life I've been suicidal, more seriously in the last 3-4 years. When I started college two years ago, I met my roommate. She was your typical sorority girl and we got along so well! Genuinely my best friend. I remember I thought going to college was going to solve all my problems. No friends in high school? College! Couldn't find 'your people?' Don't worry, you'll find them in college! And at first, I did and it was amazing. But that feeling I was running away from slowly crept back and I was back to laying in my bed everyday wondering what the fuck my life even was. My roommate would come to my room and she'd notice. One time she candidly asked me, "..do you want to kill your self?" and I just said yes. She gave me this look i've never seen before, like she was so heartbroken or like it was the saddest thing she's ever heard. She got me food. We talked. Then St. Patties Day 2023. It all falls apart. I get raped, we get into a huge argument which to make a long story short culminated into a video being passed around my college, my parents, neighbors and I getting harassed in the middle of the night for months by both my roommate and her friend, other randoms from the college. Genuinely the worst year of my life and if I had a gun I would've killed myself then. I'm just such a fucking pussy I could never do anything that has even the chance of failing or hurting. Too scared to jump from the top of a building, don't know how to properly hang myself and I don't want to deal with the stomach cramps when you take pills LOL I have a low pain tolerance…!!! Well guess what. Four months ago, my roommate killed herself. Shot herself at a boat launch. She went on vacation over winter break with her friends, and while she was on vacation her boyfriend back home killed himself. Nine days later she did the same thing. Despite the fact that I was as actively planning how I'm going to figure out how i'm going to do this, I find out that my roommate died. If anything this has only catalyzed and solidified the plan in my head, my mind hasn't been clear in the last year but especially the past 4 months. I don't think I was ever as close to doing it as I was the night I drove to the water tower in my town. Only thing that stopped me was the fact that it wasn't tall enough—and I need to ensure it's a height that it's absolutely unsurvivable. At this point i'm obsessively planning, scouting buildings, reading experiences, finding medications, figuring out who has a gun. All of it. And it's not her fault at all but what it really made me realize was that this is what I have to do. I'm itching for a trigger or just some impulse so I can finally throw in the towel. Because when I'm in mode, i'm in mode and nothing will change my mind. I've honestly just been hoping for something really bad to happen to me so I can just say fuck the gun and get enough guts to do a method i'm scared to use. God dammit if only I had a gun.

Wow, i am really sorry all of this has happened to you. I am sending you hugs, i am so sorry for your loss.

 

[Rynalia]

I've more or less been considered the black sheep amongst my extended family, often being the first to go against the norm or just straight up doing things no one would even concieve an extended family member would do.

It has been the case that others sometimes following suit since I already took most of the initial shock away from whatever it is.

I would not be surprised if my eventual successful CTB would do the same thing honestly. Although it would probably be really bad if it did. I'm banking on no one giving a fuck about me enough for it to happen though.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

Wow, i am really sorry all of this has happened to you. I am sending you hugs, i am so sorry for your loss.

I laugh to process painful thoughts, I should of read the room. I think people associate a form of solidarity in suicide, such as Chris Cornell and Chester Bennington. I also think we have to put a lot more thought into CTB after seeing the responses of people we're close to towards others who killed themselves. Surely there's a lot of guilt to consider someone else pain by unaliving second... But it does give us quite the interesting perspective as individuals. "So this is what that looks like".