Discussion does anyone else feel like in a weird way, their life was going to lead up to CTB?

[Leichter Kampfwagen]

When I was younger my therapist would constantly ask me to visualize my future and I would just say all I could see was an empty white room. Best way to describe it would be like this episode from SpongeBob. It ticked him off to no end and I think he thought I was lying even though I was telling the truth. Even then I knew it meant that I was no longer a thing.

 

[mrelief82]

Yes , since 4,5 year i feel like i want to ogół the destiny as much as i can but its not working .

 

[lostintheloop]

Yes I don't believe in fate or not religious. But some people just die young and that's life. I feel like I was just always meant to be inevitable young-ish death and suicide. No matter what path I took, it would always end in this

 

[SMmetalhead36]

Yes. I hate it here.

 

[fleshgarden]

god yes definitely. from the start this was my fate I think. I was born such a happy kid, I was so outgoing and then I had to live through all of my happiness being crushed from a young age. I feel like my existence was to be abused and then thrown away. mentally tortured and that's it. it is horrible for all of the abuse to be over and stuff I suffer everyday and I cannot stop it. I was meant to die years ago.

 

[TiredOfAllThis]

I've had mental issues which I wasn't realizing since maybe preschool. My early life was a psychological torture, as it is now. Constant stress, fear, and anxiety as I remember, and quite often dim consciousness. Something is seriously wrong about me.

The only thing that makes me calmer now is that I have my SN ready. Too bad I don't have any proper AE

 

[kane9191kosugi]

For sure lmao.

I had this unsettling feeling during my junior high that this was my peak in terms of my life and from here on, it's a one way downfall.

And in a way, that was 100% true lol. Sure, I got into a pretty prestigious high school and university, but I became so fucked up mentally and socially that I am at a point where I can't even participate in society lol. Internet and SNS also did favors to ramp up my despair, anxiety, hatred towards humanity in general as welll.

And not to mention, my parents had a financial crisis (largely due to BS from the higher ups in the company), which lead to a divorce, and now my family is basically split up.

There is no way in hell I am going to enter my 40's (I'm 28 btw). I have zero expectations for humanity, and with how things are going around the world, it's best to "abandon ship" while you can.

 

[kotonearisato]

I don't really believe in "fate", but yeah. I never thought I would live long enough to graduate high school. It's been a decade now and the thought that I'm here past my expiration date, so to speak, is always on my mind. I still don't know how to plan long term because my default answer is always, "will I even be here by then?"

 

[sserafim]

Yeah, it's the only possible future I ever envisioned for myself.

I feel like I was just always meant to be inevitable young-ish death and suicide. No matter what path I took, it would always end in this

Same

 

[ijustwishtodie]

It's complicated. I don't think that my life was destined to end up with me killing myself as I don't really believe in destiny to begin with as, ultimately, at the time of my birth, I was just born because two people had sex and it's impossible to say that I had any destiny then. Now, however, I believe that I'm incompatible with this world due to my autism and that I subsequently have to kill myself or get killed by homelessness. Unless if some super rare miracle happens which makes me want to live, I'm most likely going to continue being the way I am, wishing for death

 

[red_pen]

kind of, yeah.

i was born poor to abusive parents and bullied heavily all throughout my school years because of the after-effects of that abuse, and the after-effects of the bullying led to more abuse at home -- a self-defeating circle.

Spoiler: example:

>get bullied for wearing thrifted clothes
>try to thrift nicer things that match up to what other kids wear
>get screeched at by my mother for not having the "mental strength" to ignore my bullies at the age of....14. she hates what i wear and she makes fun of me for it
>end up wearing the same thing all the time eventually because it makes me comfortable and makes me feel safe
>get screeched at by mother for doing that, and blamed for my own bullying

this abuse has tainted every aspect of my life. i was shy and anxious in college (made no friends, did not network, was too anxious during internship interviews), i am shy and anxious in interviews now -- even when i'm not, i'm so poorly undersocialized that i don't get how to be a "person" -- and even through the internet, etc. i haven't had a single friend in my entire life. i don't get what people mean when they say they have a "support" system, because i've never had that.

anyway yes, butterfly effects. i try and i struggle to rise and my past keeps pulling me back down. feels like there's no escape. i thought i could make it for a brief time in uni but now it all feels hopeless

 

[Captive_Mind515]

It's certainly looking that way.

With the benefit of hindsight, I can see I've been on a consistent path towards this outcome. I have a strange personality, and I just struggle to accept many things in this life. This basically makes me an outcast and a loner, by my own design. I don't even really give a crap anymore. Elaborate distractions used to work pretty well for me, but not anymore. Too many things have opened my eyes to the true nature of my reality, and I cannot go back to that deluded version of myself. Whatever this stupid biological machine is, I must destroy it before it destroys me!