Do you wish you died when you were young?

[InterstateFlowers]

Sometimes I drive without my seat belt in case I flew out of the car and died on the scene on my way to school. I don't do it anywhere because of the chance of hurting anyone with my flailing body and scarring people.

 

[Leech]

Yes, and no. I appreciate some of the really intense and amazing memories I've had. Had I died earlier, I would never have experienced them. I feel like I would have really missed tf out. But at the same time, knowing brief moments of pleasure and excitement is so tantalizing. It may be the only thing that's holding me back from CTB besides my siblings. If I had gone through with previous plans, plans I was really really close to putting into motion when I was in my early teens, it would have complicated things a lot less. I know I will take my life someday, someday soon even. But now there are some feelings I want to feel again before I go.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

Yes, and no. I appreciate some of the really intense and amazing memories I've had. Had I died earlier, I would never have experienced them. I feel like I would have really missed tf out. But at the same time, knowing brief moments of pleasure and excitement is so tantalizing. It may be the only thing that's holding me back from CTB besides my siblings. If I had gone through with previous plans, plans I was really really close to putting into motion when I was in my early teens, it would have complicated things a lot less. I know I will take my life someday, someday soon even. But now there are some feelings I want to feel again before I go.

I think you have described very well how I currently feel about it. I have a lot of mixed feelings, sometimes wishing I had died earlier and sometimes feeling glad that I was around for the good things. In my case, it wasn't a previous suicide attempt that I wish had succeeded, but rather, I almost died when I was a baby due to a brain hemorrhage that occurred just after I was born. Some days I wish it had killed me, instead of me being here. I think it contributed a great deal to me being the way I am.

I've been mentally unstable and have suffered from depression for as long as I can remember, but during times when I've been extra stressed out, it caused me to become a very mean, angry, and horrible person which I currently feel like I'm about to turn into again. If I had died back then, I wouldn't have to deal with this shit now. It's only a matter of time before I am no longer able to enjoy anything and like you, I know I will end my own life some day as well. I have a vague idea of when that might be, but sometimes I want to do it much sooner than that.

 

[Deleted member 18655]

 

[rt1989526]

Yes big time. Better yet not being born.

 

[choosingmydestiny]

this sounds so twisted, but my mom told me that once when I was a baby, I stopped breathing for a while and my dad just stood their "like an idiot" not knowing what to do. She then "saved" me. I have been thinking about that a lot lately and wished I had died then.... so my parents would remember me like a sweet little baby and not like a useless, depressed, negative woman ... My mom is a narcissist and my father left anyway when I was 10 (they really don't care about family), so they would have gotten over it pretty soon and could use this to gather sympathy from people. Especially my mom would love this...
I am an only child and I think they wouldn't have children after me anyway because their relationship started going to shit 2 years afters I was born (it was never good anyway). So ultimately all souls would have been saved from having them as parents

(I suffer from ADHD and think I have cptsd as well due to emotional neglect, so that is why I am so bitter. for me, It is really hard to function without having any emotional support of family. I do have a few friends, but don't see them often because they have a life. I am also too damaged to have an intimate relationship and I would never wish on anyone to have me as a partner at the moment. ironicly enough, the only thing that keeps me alive is thinking about suicide ... )

feels so good to vent here

sending lots of love to anyone struggling right now even though life is shit for us, most of the time, you are not and you deserve to be loved and to be at peace

 

[Lupgevif]

Sometime between 14 and 20 years old would've been perfect for me.

 

[Deleted member 20852]

I wish I had never existed in the first place, been aborted or died at birth. Nothing good happened from birth onwards.
Every day is just more fucking pain.

 

[stillweary]

My life was already hell as a teenager. I wish I could go back and tell my younger self that it's okay to go. I used to lie in bed and hold my breath until I passed out every night, because I didn't want to hurt my mother by committing suicide. I pushed myself through hell by keeping my head down and working hard, believing that one day, all of the fighting would pay off and everything would get better. Instead, the promises of a better life never materialized. There was no fruit to any of my hard work or efforts. And the abuse never stopped.

 

[Black Rose Bunny]

My life was already hell as a teenager. I wish I could go back and tell my younger self that it's okay to go. I used to lie in bed and hold my breath until I passed out every night, because I didn't want to hurt my mother by committing suicide. I pushed myself through hell by keeping my head down and working hard, believing that one day, all of the fighting would pay off and everything would get better. Instead, the promises of a better life never materialized. There was no fruit to any of my hard work or efforts. And the abuse never stopped.

I feel that, when I was little I also would like hold my breath into my pillow because I thought it would kill me. Sadly it never worked, I feel like if I had died when I was little a lot of grief and sadness would be avoided

 

[Sweet Release]

Absolutely!
If I had ended my life there and then I would have died with at least some sense of self respect instead of carrying on and becoming a self hating loser.

 

[Existingnotliving]

Knowing what you know now, do you wish you killed yourself when you were younger?

Personally I didn't enjoy my life and I honestly don't think I would miss any of it, I've always been depressed and alone. I feel like living this far was just because of false hope.. And I feel like things would be easier if I died when I was younger, and less people would have met me which would mean their lives would have been better, even if only slightly. I feel like it would also be less sad and easier on my family since they wouldn't think I suffered for long and wouldn't have known me for as long and I wouldn't have been as much of a burden. But I wanted to hear what you guys think

Most definitely! I'm sick of hearing 'things will get better just give it tme.' is 10 years not enough time? Wish I succeeded in my attempt years ago. Things don't get better.

 

[Sweet Release]

My life was already hell as a teenager. I wish I could go back and tell my younger self that it's okay to go. I used to lie in bed and hold my breath until I passed out every night, because I didn't want to hurt my mother by committing suicide. I pushed myself through hell by keeping my head down and working hard, believing that one day, all of the fighting would pay off and everything would get better. Instead, the promises of a better life never materialized. There was no fruit to any of my hard work or efforts. And the abuse never stopped.

I feel your pain.

 

[Lost Girl xx]

All the time

 

[Painless_end]

Yes

 

[Bauhaus]

I wished I died at the age of 21 becos after that everything went downhill.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I first thought about killing myself at 19. Ive pretty much been dealing with suicidal ideation since then, but with peaks at 25, 30, 33, and for the past two years (36-37). I used to feel glad that I didn't kill myself when I was 19, because I did so much since then — traveled the world, fell in love, got my doctorate, had a great job — but the pain I'm experiencing now is so great. I would have given it all up — all those wonderful experiences — to spare me the pain I feel now.

 

[WFJ74]

Sometimes I do. My only attempt was at 19 and I'm 45 now. There are days I wish I hadn't been found and didn't have to live through all of the rough times afterward but there have been a lot of good times too so I would have missed out on those.

 

[UnsureWhatToDo]

No, actually. Childhood was fun, it's adulthood that scares me.

 

[aqish]

I wish I never existed

I'm from 2021 but same.

 

[iwanttodie000]

Yes. I wish I never existed at all. I wish I had ctb when I was 12 when I had my first suicidal thought and saved myself all these years of BS. I think about that all the time, how much easier it would have been vs how much BS I have to deal with now to get it done. Here's hoping I can make up for lost time and find my peace soon.

 

[aqish]

Yes. I wish I never existed at all. I wish I had ctb when I was 12 when I had my first suicidal thought and saved myself all these years of BS. I think about that all the time, how much easier it would have been vs how much BS I have to deal with now to get it done. Here's hoping I can make up for lost time and find my peace soon.

Me too here wishing I never existed. How old are you? I'm 25 now :(

 

[Amumu]

Oh boy if I knew what would happen next I would have jumped at 10.

 

[iwanttodie000]

Me too here wishing I never existed. How old are you? I'm 25 now :(

37 ,,, I never in a million years thought I'd be remotely this old. I really wish I wasn't and I agree, I wish I had never existed as well. Hopefully when I ctb, I go back to that state, of never existing.

 

[aqish]

37 ,,, I never in a million years thought I'd be remotely this old. I really wish I wasn't and I agree, I wish I had never existed as well. Hopefully when I ctb, I go back to that state, of never existing.

That's the sad thing about it, I keep thinking but what happens after I ctb? Because I want to never existed, not death itself.

 

[Rockman]

Yes but then ive dont had access to reliable methods so might ended disable or vegetable. Better do it like a professional :)

 

[RunningMad]

No way the cord I was using at the time was enough to actually kill me off. I was afraid of using toxic chemicals as well. But I definitely would of ended it young if I was braver.

 

[WornOutLife]

I've been suicidal since I'm 12 but...
I guess I don't regret having lived until these days (I'm 33).

My 20s were just amazing! Things started sucking at my 30s but now, somehow, they're improving.

 

[Blue Rose]

When I was a high school student, we discussed each our future.
I had wished that I would have died young, but I concealed my wish.

Now I am 30 years old, and I wish that I would die young still.

+ In my early teenager, I attempted my first CTB

 

[Sprite_Geist]

Yes! I had a semi-attempt when I was still considered young, and it was partly brought on by another individual that actually committed suicide, because they said that they did not want to live past their early twenties.