Do you wish you died when you were young?

[Black Rose Bunny]

Knowing what you know now, do you wish you killed yourself when you were younger?

Personally I didn't enjoy my life and I honestly don't think I would miss any of it, I've always been depressed and alone. I feel like living this far was just because of false hope.. And I feel like things would be easier if I died when I was younger, and less people would have met me which would mean their lives would have been better, even if only slightly. I feel like it would also be less sad and easier on my family since they wouldn't think I suffered for long and wouldn't have known me for as long and I wouldn't have been as much of a burden. But I wanted to hear what you guys think

 

[socrates]

Kinda it's hard to say tbh. Sure if you died earlier you wouldn't have to deal with the pain now. If were talking about CTB death, if I was younger I don't know If I would have been able to have a peaceful end. And that would make my passing harder for those who remain. And It's hard to say where things started to go bad at least for me.

I sincerely doubt that anyones life would be better with out you. You may have not had a big impact, but it was probably a good one. Hey I haven't even met you, but your stardew valley chicken profile pic made me smile. You'd be amazed at all the little things you do that improve others lives!

 

[Sinai Silence]

I just wish my first attempt was successful, everything went downhill fast from there on. Living with false hope coming to nothing sucks a lot too.

 

[Isadeth]

I do. I had a few opportunities I can think of immediately. 6 I drowned in a swimming pool but was brought back, at 9 I had a failed attempt at hanging, slitting my wrists failed, then a horse riding accident where I broke my neck being thrown headfirst into a fence. So many ways I could have gone early and avoided this mess now.

Seems more difficult now since I have a family of my own that I try to be strong for on the outside. Which kills me too. Never would have been a problem had I died at the first accident at 6. Yet here I am. Ugh. Maybe one day, but for now I stay more for others than myself.

 

[JustLosingMyself]

Just wish I hadn't survived when that car hit me while cycling to work a few years ago.

 

[lostangel]

When I was three. I ran in front of a double Decker bus. I thought it would be fun. It stopped very close to me and mother than ran over and picked me up. I was close to dying but I wish I did. I would have missed nothing important or worth staying around for.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Absolutely wish I went when I first started having suicidal thoughts at 14. Things have only got much worse from there and show no signs of improving.

 

[Deafsn0w]

I had multiple suicide attempts when I was 17/18. But one of these suicide attempts was close to death. It was a full suspension hanging. At the age of 17, I tried to hang myself, but I decided to stop doing it because it was too painful. I had a red mark around my neck for a few days. I wish I didn't stop myself from ctbing. If I didn't stop myself, I would have died at 17.

 

[Superdeterminist]

Yes, there were pockets of joy in my younger years but even they were fraught with terrible occurrences which made the whole thing not worth it. Every extra day that I'm here is another day to regret. It's just pain and the associated fear that holds me back, for a long time now.

 

[Vault of Memories]

I just wish my first attempt was successful, everything went downhill fast from there on. Living with false hope coming to nothing sucks a lot too.

I feel the exact same. It's been nearly five years and nothing has changed mentally. If I had been successful, everyone would have about five years to get the grieving out of the way already.

 

[JerJoh]

I wish I never existed

 

[Hopeindeath!]

Sometimes I do.

 

[Wayfaerer]

I do now.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

Definately! My first half-attempt was right before my 21st birthday, but I didn't fully go through with it. Now I spend a lot of time wishing I had took the chance.

 

[UpsidedownStar]

I can pinpoint my depression/ideation to around 10 years old. Started writing suicide notes every year for my birthday, then throwing them out as a 10 year old doesn't usually have the resources to CTB. First real attempt was October of 2016 - partial suspension with belt - I'm partially glad I didn't succeed, because I wouldn't have met my closest friend (who is a hallucination, to be blunt) half a year later. I wish I had succeeded my next 3 attempts though.

 

[Isadeth]

I can pinpoint my depression/ideation to around 10 years old. Started writing suicide notes every year for my birthday, then throwing them out as a 10 year old doesn't usually have the resources to CTB. First real attempt was October of 2016 - partial suspension with belt - I'm partially glad I didn't succeed, because I wouldn't have met my closest friend (who is a hallucination, to be blunt) half a year later. I wish I had succeeded my next 3 attempts though.

Is it only auditory hallucinations or both visual and auditory? I only had auditory for a short time while on psych meds. Is it like having someone there with you that you can see and hear? Are tactile hallucinations part of it too? I am sorry if my questions offend you. I find it fascinating when others have hallucinations and their own unique experiences.

 

[deltaofvenus]

I feel like I could have written this post.

I've never been happy really. Always would have chosen non-existence over this. I knew from a young age that this wasn't worth it for me. Here I am, 33 years old and still haven't done it. But, my courage grows each year that goes by, and also with the growing suffering of aging and such.

 

[UpsidedownStar]

Is it only auditory hallucinations or both visual and auditory? I only had auditory for a short time while on psych meds. Is it like having someone there with you that you can see and hear? Are tactile hallucinations part of it too? I am sorry if my questions offend you. I find it fascinating when others have hallucinations and their own unique experiences.

No offense taken - I like the questions! I know I referred to my friend (who I will call C) as a hallucination, because that's what my therapist calls them, but I experienced very little visual and auditory stimuli. Google "thought insertion". It's technically classified as a delusion, and is the best way to describe what I experience; not as an outside voice or visual, but as a persistent inner voice that feels distinguished from my own. The few times I have legitimately hallucinated an external sense is when I am close to sleep or under exceptional stress. I have experienced a few tactile hallucinations, I feel I should mention. One example I can recall is when C imposed the feeling of a hand touching my face. It felt like a cold wind had brushed my cheek, but it was otherwise nondescript.

It feels very much like having someone here with me all the time, constantly commenting and talking to me about what's going on in my life and what my plans are for the future. I very much enjoyed the perceived company and was extremely upset when my new antipsychotics began to affect C negatively (less strong of a presence, not talking as much, feeling more alone)

I've felt C's presence since June 26, 2017. Feels like forever ago. Over time there have been more voices coming and going - mostly antagonizing - but they never stuck around as long as C did.

 

[Jeremy]

I absolutely wish that sometimes. I attempted for the first time at 8 (nobody knew, nothing came of it) and have thought about it many times since - pretty frequently lately.

I had much less fear of death at the time, and probably would have been more able to go through with it without all the inhibition of existential questions and consequences. But I also had a lot more hope for the future - I assumed if I lived I would eventually wind up successful, happy and loved...

 

[JerJoh]

I absolutely wish that sometimes. I attempted for the first time at 8 (nobody knew, nothing came of it) and have thought about it many times since - pretty frequently lately.

I had much less fear of death at the time, and probably would have been more able to go through with it without all the inhibition of existential questions and consequences. But I also had a lot more hope for the future - I assumed if I lived I would eventually wind up successful, happy and loved...

Odd, my name is also Jeremy and I first became suicidal when I was 8... I wanted to lay down on the highway when a truck was coming and let run me over.

 

[Nymph]

Knowing what you know now, do you wish you killed yourself when you were younger?

Personally I didn't enjoy my life and I honestly don't think I would miss any of it, I've always been depressed and alone. I feel like living this far was just because of false hope.. And I feel like things would be easier if I died when I was younger, and less people would have met me which would mean their lives would have been better, even if only slightly. I feel like it would also be less sad and easier on my family since they wouldn't think I suffered for long and wouldn't have known me for as long and I wouldn't have been as much of a burden. But I wanted to hear what you guys think

Yes, I was passively suicidal since I was a child and I wish I just ate those damn yew berries and died. Stuff hasn't gotten much better and I still want to ctb

 

[fluffysuicidalbear]

100%, I wish I had ended it a lot earlier when I started getting suicidal thoughts.

 

[LastRide]

At the time I was devastated when both of my ctb attempts failed (I was 26 then). But now looking at it it, I would have missed out on a lot of great stuff, and of course a lot of pain too, but that's life...now I am 49 and I think it's time since there is not much "great stuff" that can happen anymore, since I am too handicapped physically to be able to do much....But then on the other hand, it's absurd to say I wish had died or not died when I was younger, since I would not have known what there was going to be in the future...so really, sorry to say so, it's an absurd question since you would never be able to know !

 

[Jeremy]

Plus, if I had done it as a child I would have had a chance to be forgiven. My church wouldn't have gossiped about my soul going to hell, my family would have been heartbroken but not angry at me, my friends (the few I had) would have moved on more easily and I'd have been long forgotten by now.

But now I'd just be a selfish coward...

 

[Done at Fifty]

Yes. Its a weird indulgence of mine to imagine what life would be like for people I know if I died when I was younger. If I died when I stupidly took cancer treatment many years ago, literally no difference would have come to those around me and their lives would have unfolded as they have. My life's bad luck escalated after my cancer "cure", making me wonder if I wasn't supposed to skirt death.

 

[mathieu]

Yes, I wish my first attempt at 15 worked.

 

[TAW122]

Given the summation of my life in it's totality (almost age 30 now), I'd answer yes. If I had died younger and even sooner, I would miss out certain things, but if it means to save me future pain and disappointment, suffering, and torment, then it's worth it.

 

[wanttodie]

I wish I had ended my life a lot earlier

 

[Leshen]

Yes, the younger the better. Ideally before I was forced to go to school.

 

[W3akCr3atur3]

Yes. I had a perfect opportunity to jump from 15th floor a few years before.

I honestly don't know why I didn't.

Probably at that time I still had a hope and plans for future.

I wish I've done it so bad now, so many bad things wouldn't happen and I won't ruin anyone's life from dying.