Discussion Do you think you were always on a path to this?

[lilyistootired]

Do you think you/the world were always on a trajectory towards you thinking about CTB, or that there was a specific avoidable time when your trajectory was changed to this path?

I used to be angry about family situations and at various people, but over time I've come to the conclusion that with the way the world was and the backgrounds of the people around me, none of us ever had a chance of avoiding this so if anyone's guilty it's the universe because my parents didn't ask to be incapable of not harming their own children time and time again (not physically, just verbal and emotional stuff that's fucked me up). Sure they could've done things differently in theory but their own backgrounds mean they didn't have much agency there either, not without being entirely different people.

 

[anonymousperson]

As long as I've remember I knew I wanted to commit suicide eventually. I even remember as young as kindergarten. I never wanted to grow old and wanted to die young.

 

[xXiloveyouXx]

Definitely. Growing up in a household with constant explosive conflict, being so socially isolated and inept all my life, and then becoming so full of hate and anger as a teenager when I realized how meaningless everything in all of our lives is. How lonely and unsatisfied everyone truly is deep down, and how, as a product of being conscious and desiring agents, our desires can never be satisfied in this life. I think that I'd come to the same conclusion in every life that existing at all in the first place is a cruel illusion.

 

[itsgone2]

Growing up in a household with constant explosive conflict

Same here. I think they went through similar, growing up
I couldn't end the cycle. Many other factors led me here too. But it started with an awkward home life.

 

[lilyistootired]

Same here. I think they went through similar, growing up
I couldn't end the cycle. Many other factors led me here too. But it started with an awkward home life.

I grew up around a family that had pretty intense conflicts at times (myself and several siblings autistic with the meltdowns and parental response in blatant escalation, and I guess I convinced myself it was my fault but realizing it wasn't it kind of implies that nothing I do will ever keep me safe because if it wasn't my fault then, what guarantees it won't happen again?

I convinced myself for years that pushing myself hard in various ways was going to prepare me/get me various advantages but then I got there and realized that I actually had nothing to show at all and to continue existing long term I just have to push that hard forever, with no chance at actually getting a break. and at that point what's the point of not CTB?

 

[Spite]

I think so. I'm autistic and we all know how a lot of autistic people in this world are (mis)treated. That combined with growing up with an abusive father, being bullied and humiliated my entire childhood, having no meaningful IRL friendships throughout my entire life, and being suicidal on-and-off ever since I was 14 (literally half of my entire life now) yes, I think I was always on this path. Maybe not on the path to suicide per se as I'm not sure if I will ever work up the courage to end myself, but I was absolutely destined for a life of being suicidal.

 

[never mind me]

No, till I moved out of my parents' house I was always convinced that once I live by myself everything will be fine and it wouldn't have crossed my mind to ctb. Maybe it had to do with the fact that my father always told me that he regretted so much that I had been born and threatened me with killing me a couple of times, so I felt like I have to be strong and survive. Only after moving out and still feeling miserable I became suicidal for several years.
Then from my early 20s till about a month ago I felt mostly fine (although I had a few very short lived bouts of suicidal ideation in between when I was in a tough situation). Therefore I was convinced that I would continue to live a happy and interesting life. Then I managed to fuck up my health by drinking alcohol too soon after having viral laryngitis, causing it to become chronic. That caused me to be suicidal again and just as desperate as I was in the years after moving out from my parents' house.

 

[CarbonBased]

Yeah, I think so. I'm a determinist, though, so it's not surprising

 

[Pvnie]

Looking at my earlier childhood, yes very much so! Bullied, lame ass parents, the domestic abuse between them, trouble behaving in the education system, early exposure to the internet. When I retrospect on my life, i think of it like a shitty sitcom about a disenfranchised youth because it's all too good to be true. That's how you know you're really a loser.

 

[FuneralCry]

Being at true permanent peace from this torturous, futile existence that never should had been imposed is the only path I wish and hope for, all I want is to be permanently free from this existence that just causes all this cruelty, pain and suffering that I just always saw as a mistake, no matter what this existence just never should had been imposed.

I'll always see it as an abomination to suffer in this existence so torturous and cruel, for me ceasing to exist will always be the positive solution, I find it so horrible how a human can suffer for so long just to face the terrible extreme agony of old age, ceasing to exist would save me from all future unnecessary suffering in this deeply undesirable existence that is just waiting to die which is why I suffer so much from existing in this horrific world where dying painlessly is made illegal by humans who want others to be tortured for as long as possible.

 

[gentarouhongou]

This is a great question. Unfortunately, time machines do not exist and we cannot go back into the past and attempt to move things around to see what would happen and if such a fate was avoidable. However, like another user mentioned in this thread:

When I retrospect on my life, i think of it like a shitty sitcom about a disenfranchised youth because it's all too good to be true. That's how you know you're really a loser.

You begin to question, was a series of events that unfolded that led you to a certain fate, or that said specific fate was written and allocated for you, and no matter what you could have done, only events that would have led you to this state of mind would have unfolded? I see this in myself, and unfortunately, a lot of other suicidal people, that reflection into our past lives yields us the fact that nearly everything in our lives has gone wrong and/or failed. When you think of it that way, it appears of somewhat a statistical anomaly - we are people who hit the absolute worst case scenario in every ordeal or time we've been through to get to this point of absolute hopelessness and a life beyond repair. In a sense, it's the exact inverse of someone who is extremely lucky and hits the jackpot (the best case scenario) multiple times in a row. So no, if our fates were to ctb, I do not believe it could have been avoidable no matter what we've done. I believe we were meant to end up dead by suicide, and whatever timeline or actions you took, the events and outcomes you would face would only have been the ones that also lead you to this fate.

 

[Forveleth]

I have been suicidal since a teen, but I always wonder if things would have been different if I had left my family behind. I would have been able to live the life U wanted and maybe things would be better.

 

[oilsaniok]

Do you think you/the world were always on a trajectory towards you thinking about CTB, or that there was a specific avoidable time when your trajectory was changed to this path?

I used to be angry about family situations and at various people, but over time I've come to the conclusion that with the way the world was and the backgrounds of the people around me, none of us ever had a chance of avoiding this so if anyone's guilty it's the universe because my parents didn't ask to be incapable of not harming their own children time and time again (not physically, just verbal and emotional stuff that's fucked me up). Sure they could've done things differently in theory but their own backgrounds mean they didn't have much agency there either, not without being entirely different people.

in my personal experience, i am guilty inleading towards this and i think its kinda unavoidable

 

[Manfrotto99]

It's a system - being the scapegoat born into dysfunctional families, abused, bullied, inflicted with low self esteem etc etc... the world around us jumps on the bandwagon and as we try to break free, instead we simply become the scapegoats in the wider system...that's how this broken work operates - there always has to those at the bottom to blame who dont make it through.

Many people break free of the mould - they are the blsessed, the lucky ones who have resources like money, looks, intelligence etc. Yet some of us have no resources to help us, so we get lost in the system...I am one of those.

 

[suncide10]

No, I've always been slightly depressed before but never thought of suicide before and wanted to improve my situation. But this year I got so depressed that I literally lost myself and interest in everything, I just can't stop thinking negatively. It's hard to distract myself because no matter what I do, bad thoughts always pop up in my head.

 

[HFK40000]

I think this was always the way I was going to go out. I could never see myself getting older or having a future. Now that I'm almost 29 I look back on a lifetime of failures and I think about how great it would be if I did it sooner. It feels like the longer I wait the worse things get.

 

[MissAbyss]

Yes, I'm part of the statistics. Well, I suppose I've (almost) achieved something in my life after all.

 

[TwistedNightmares]

I was doomed to fail from the start, so yes.

 

[ihateittoo]

i feel like being suicidal is baked into my dna almost. no amount of change to my current situation would make me not be suicidal.

 

[Redhand5]

Do you think you/the world were always on a trajectory towards you thinking about CTB, or that there was a specific avoidable time when your trajectory was changed to this path?

I used to be angry about family situations and at various people, but over time I've come to the conclusion that with the way the world was and the backgrounds of the people around me, none of us ever had a chance of avoiding this so if anyone's guilty it's the universe because my parents didn't ask to be incapable of not harming their own children time and time again (not physically, just verbal and emotional stuff that's fucked me up). Sure they could've done things differently in theory but their own backgrounds mean they didn't have much agency there either, not without being entirely different people.

Given my life experiences I think it'd be very easy to say that I've been on this path for a long time. I didn't know it though. I had so much hope, made so many strides to rise above my wretched start to this life. In most regard I think I've done a fine job at learning how to avoid this end. But here we are anyways haha. The hope was nice though, while it lasted.

 

[FoxSauce]

Well I dunno I thought about suicide sine like idk 10 or 12.

Home life wasnt that great. I cant even talk about some memories. Also bullying for 1st and 4th grade. Constantly invalidated for everything I expressed. Dealing with my own emotions on my own , life and other traumas.

I guess years later of endurance not resilience im here.

 

[HNR_]

Not really but it's somewhat ironic that I did consider CTB in the past, for two entirely different reasons

The first reason was that I was getting bullied at school by most of the class apart from two friends over an event I was insanely shameful of, it lasted a year and a half
After a few months, I wanted to climb over the fence during recess and run away, anywhere, as long as I could escape all of those pricks
Then, yeah, I started wishing I would die to end all of that pressure, shame and anger I felt

The second one was actually what ended the bullying but added fuel to the fire, when my mother CTB herself, I was 11 and a half, my father and I were on the brink of getting evicted which is unrelated to her CTB, it felt like the world was about to end or that we'd die in the street in a few months

Since then, I've healed from both of these, the entire world, however, got progressively worse
If I was paranoid, I'd say that it feels rigged, that karma's fucked me in the ass for no reason
The sad truth is that humanity has done that to itself

 

[Redhand5]

Do you think you/the world were always on a trajectory towards you thinking about CTB, or that there was a specific avoidable time when your trajectory was changed to this path?

I used to be angry about family situations and at various people, but over time I've come to the conclusion that with the way the world was and the backgrounds of the people around me, none of us ever had a chance of avoiding this so if anyone's guilty it's the universe because my parents didn't ask to be incapable of not harming their own children time and time again (not physically, just verbal and emotional stuff that's fucked me up). Sure they could've done things differently in theory but their own backgrounds mean they didn't have much agency there either, not without being entirely different people.

What about you? Were you destined for this path? Why or why not?

 

[Rando337595]

No was definitely not on a path to this. Tried Prozac for my mild anxiety and ended up with chronic insomnia.

 

[lilyistootired]

What about you? Were you destined for this path? Why or why not?

Oh I absolutely was, my parents did their best but that didn't stop them from being wildly damaging, got through that by believing it was all my fault and wouldn't happen if I was just a less awful child, but now I both know that what I hoped I'd succeed in I haven't (still trying at college but my executive function is terrible), and that no, I don't deserve that level of instability and triggering, therefore no amount of improvement will ever keep me safe.

I haven't always wanted to CTB, but the influence of events made it near inevitable for me to end up suicidal because deep down all I really want is for someone to save me from my life and I'm in my early 20s at this point so that's not exactly a thing that happens.

 

[canidiealreadyy]

Do you think you/the world were always on a trajectory towards you thinking about CTB, or that there was a specific avoidable time when your trajectory was changed to this path?

I used to be angry about family situations and at various people, but over time I've come to the conclusion that with the way the world was and the backgrounds of the people around me, none of us ever had a chance of avoiding this so if anyone's guilty it's the universe because my parents didn't ask to be incapable of not harming their own children time and time again (not physically, just verbal and emotional stuff that's fucked me up). Sure they could've done things differently in theory but their own backgrounds mean they didn't have much agency there either, not without being entirely different people.

there are versions of my life where i could imagine not ctb. but unfortunately im not currently living any of those versions. i kinda still do have hope that life will turn around for me.

 

[EternalShore]

no~ Things were so nice until high school~ :( and then, I got left behind and abandoned by everyone I suppose... :( It's really not nice to think about~

 

[lilyistootired]

no~ Things were so nice until high school~ :( and then, I got left behind and abandoned by everyone I suppose... :( It's really not nice to think about~

I'm sorry, I'm not going to pretend I fully understand but I was mostly functional till college if only on delusional hope, and then things just kind of fell apart, like family was always a trainwreck but I just didn't look at it hard enough to see the emotional abuse/neglect/harm there and once I truly saw it and had none of the highschool support everything started collapsing.

 

[EternalShore]

I'm sorry, I'm not going to pretend I fully understand but I was mostly functional till college if only on delusional hope, and then things just kind of fell apart, like family was always a trainwreck but I just didn't look at it hard enough to see the emotional abuse/neglect/harm there and once I truly saw it and had none of the highschool support everything started collapsing.

hehe~ that sounds somewhat familiar to me too! :) I tried to pretend that everything would be great in college and that I'd treat it just like middle school~ hehe~ ^_^ idk what happened (no memories), but around October to November of my 1st semester, all that fell apart~

I'm sorry to hear that you had very similar troubles yourself~ :( I wish your family had treated you more kindly~ they should be the ones we should be able to trust most in the world and yet~ :(

 

[lilyistootired]

hehe~ that sounds somewhat familiar to me too! :) I tried to pretend that everything would be great in college and that I'd treat it just like middle school~ hehe~ ^_^ idk what happened (no memories), but around October to November of my 1st semester, all that fell apart~

I'm sorry to hear that you had very similar troubles yourself~ :( I wish your family had treated you more kindly~ they should be the ones we should be able to trust most in the world and yet~ :(

I'm still trying at college, had to take a year off after my fourth semester (voluntarily, but I knew that I'd end up being forcibly out if I didn't leave then due to failing mental health), going back this fall but I'm not optimistic, I'm going on more out of a lack of any other good options than a belief that it will actually work as bad as that sounds. I wish my family were more stable but they're all messed up in their own ways where I don't know if I can even be angry at them except for when I remember them threatening to take every single object my sibling owned that they wouldn't get in legal trouble for taking from them (obviously far from the only awful incident, just the worst of the past few years aside from the time they escalate not doing the chores into a full meltdown and threatening to take them to the ER where they'd be at risk of psychiatric hospitalization knowing full well being hospitalized traumatized me to this day), stuff like that makes me start to slightly doubt their presumption of good faith but I still think they're probably acting in good faith.

Honestly this sounds insane but if/believing it was in good faith arguably has messed me up more, because if it's bad people, then it's just "bad people hurt you", if they're good people it proves you're gpiong to get hurt no matter how good the people you're around? sorry for the ramblings, it's almost 1am for me and it's night depression rambling time