Discussion Do you think you were always on a path to this?

[tiramisu]

ctb is my destiny.

 

[EternalShore]

I'm still trying at college, had to take a year off after my fourth semester (voluntarily, but I knew that I'd end up being forcibly out if I didn't leave then due to failing mental health), going back this fall but I'm not optimistic, I'm going on more out of a lack of any other good options than a belief that it will actually work as bad as that sounds. I wish my family were more stable but they're all messed up in their own ways where I don't know if I can even be angry at them except for when I remember them threatening to take every single object my sibling owned that they wouldn't get in legal trouble for taking from them (obviously far from the only awful incident, just the worst of the past few years aside from the time they escalate not doing the chores into a full meltdown and threatening to take them to the ER where they'd be at risk of psychiatric hospitalization knowing full well being hospitalized traumatized me to this day), stuff like that makes me start to slightly doubt their presumption of good faith but I still think they're probably acting in good faith.

Honestly this sounds insane but if/believing it was in good faith arguably has messed me up more, because if it's bad people, then it's just "bad people hurt you", if they're good people it proves you're gpiong to get hurt no matter how good the people you're around? sorry for the ramblings, it's almost 1am for me and it's night depression rambling time

apologies for my late response~ I saw you mention the time, and was like~ aaaaaaaa~ >_< I should go to sleep~ xD

I wish you the best in college this coming semester~ :) yeahhh, college rather crushed my mental health, especially in the last semester~ I really wish you the best in that and that hopefully, another opportunity arises~ :)

that sounds so awful~ >_< certainly being around them must be so stressful to not incur them making the same threats to you~ >_< I ate when my parents threaten to get rid of me or hospitalize me too, altho what they threaten to you and your sibling even beyond that~ D: especially with how they know those actions will harm you more than you have been already~ >_< yeah, same tbh~ :(

yeahhh, I suppose you're right~ It also just makes one paranoid of everything too~ >_< my parents sometimes see me advocating for certain things that seemingly make no sense, but usually, it's me thinking ahead for if they start doing bad things to me~ >_< hopefully, you can overcome that and the fear and make good friends in college while you're attending there~ making connections like that can really help as a source of support, especially when things go bad with your family~ >_< Unfortunately, well, you have to be lucky enough to find good people like that~ >_< and true friends are incredibly difficult to find~ :(

 

[lilyistootired]

apologies for my late response~ I saw you mention the time, and was like~ aaaaaaaa~ >_< I should go to sleep~ xD

I wish you the best in college this coming semester~ :) yeahhh, college rather crushed my mental health, especially in the last semester~ I really wish you the best in that and that hopefully, another opportunity arises~ :)

that sounds so awful~ >_< certainly being around them must be so stressful to not incur them making the same threats to you~ >_< I ate when my parents threaten to get rid of me or hospitalize me too, altho what they threaten to you and your sibling even beyond that~ D: especially with how they know those actions will harm you more than you have been already~ >_< yeah, same tbh~ :(

yeahhh, I suppose you're right~ It also just makes one paranoid of everything too~ >_< my parents sometimes see me advocating for certain things that seemingly make no sense, but usually, it's me thinking ahead for if they start doing bad things to me~ >_< hopefully, you can overcome that and the fear and make good friends in college while you're attending there~ making connections like that can really help as a source of support, especially when things go bad with your family~ >_< Unfortunately, well, you have to be lucky enough to find good people like that~ >_< and true friends are incredibly difficult to find~ :(

Thanks for the well wishes. I've kind of resigned myself to nothing good happening at this point, I really don't believe things will improve because there's no reason to believe it will. I'm trans, and a CS major in the US, like I'm in a good state right now but trans rights are actively backsliding, AI is collapsing the job market, and I'm ultimately unlikable, I used to be less so but that was back when I wasn't so depressed as to not have a personality.

At this point an embarrassing amount of brain power is spent on fantasies of someone rescuing me from my own current life because my brain is so shattered that that's all that really holds interest to me. I'm exhausted just from my current part time job to the point of not wanting to exist long time, any boredom immediately turns into fantasizing about suicide which isn't a great sign for my long term ability to handle existing.

I wonder if my brain would be less fucked if I hadn't spent the first half of years of my life so far (I'm in my early 20s) in what many would consider a mild cult (mormonism). Probably has nothing to do with it all things considered, I'm just tired and things were always going to be catastrophic because all I've ever wanted is true stability and someone to make me feel safe, protected, and stable from outside both material and emotional instability once I realized the world is and has always been a hellscape.

 

[EternalShore]

Thanks for the well wishes. I've kind of resigned myself to nothing good happening at this point, I really don't believe things will improve because there's no reason to believe it will. I'm trans, and a CS major in the US, like I'm in a good state right now but trans rights are actively backsliding, AI is collapsing the job market, and I'm ultimately unlikable, I used to be less so but that was back when I wasn't so depressed as to not have a personality.

At this point an embarrassing amount of brain power is spent on fantasies of someone rescuing me from my own current life because my brain is so shattered that that's all that really holds interest to me. I'm exhausted just from my current part time job to the point of not wanting to exist long time, any boredom immediately turns into fantasizing about suicide which isn't a great sign for my long term ability to handle existing.

I wonder if my brain would be less fucked if I hadn't spent the first half of years of my life so far (I'm in my early 20s) in what many would consider a mild cult (mormonism). Probably has nothing to do with it all things considered, I'm just tired and things were always going to be catastrophic because all I've ever wanted is true stability and someone to make me feel safe, protected, and stable from outside both material and emotional instability once I realized the world is and has always been a hellscape.

you're welcome~ yeah, same~ :( Things in my life and in the world in general just seem so awful~ :( yup~ >_< It's hard to get a literal job in retail nowadays (especially considering that everyone is only trying to hire part-time for the same hours~ :/)~ :/ let alone a programming position~ >_< I've heard how bad it is there~ :( plus, well, same in regards to the rest too~ My interests are so niche and obscure that it makes it near-impossible for me to make friends, since apparently, I have to share others' interests in order to talk to them rather than just listening to whatever they wish to talk about~ >_<

yeahhh~ :( Lucky you to have a part-time job while being in college tho~ :) same tho~ :( Many days I come home too exhausted to do anything slightly enjoyable despite only getting to work 20 hours a week and it being the best job I've had thus far~ :/

I'm sorry to hear about you growing up within Mormonism~ :( it certainly isn't true, and I do hope your parents don't hate you for leaving~ >_< I understand your feelings tho~ :( it'd be so nice to be a kid or have someone to guide you through all the horrors and evil of the world~ >_< This would really just really isn't a nice place whatsoever~ :(

 

[iguazo falls]

i have had a premonition of a downward spiral since 5 and started thinking seriously about suicide around 10-12.

 

[violetforever]

yes, ever since i first became suicidal at 11. ive always remained suicidal but i think i did try to ignore that it was coming to this for a while. i pretty much accept it now. i really do have to die.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

I'm still trying at college, had to take a year off after my fourth semester (voluntarily, but I knew that I'd end up being forcibly out if I didn't leave then due to failing mental health), going back this fall but I'm not optimistic, I'm going on more out of a lack of any other good options than a belief that it will actually work as bad as that sounds. I wish my family were more stable but they're all messed up in their own ways where I don't know if I can even be angry at them except for when I remember them threatening to take every single object my sibling owned that they wouldn't get in legal trouble for taking from them (obviously far from the only awful incident, just the worst of the past few years aside from the time they escalate not doing the chores into a full meltdown and threatening to take them to the ER where they'd be at risk of psychiatric hospitalization knowing full well being hospitalized traumatized me to this day), stuff like that makes me start to slightly doubt their presumption of good faith but I still think they're probably acting in good faith.

Honestly this sounds insane but if/believing it was in good faith arguably has messed me up more, because if it's bad people, then it's just "bad people hurt you", if they're good people it proves you're gpiong to get hurt no matter how good the people you're around? sorry for the ramblings, it's almost 1am for me and it's night depression rambling time

No, sorry, you've got to go back to school in the fall, Lily, tired or not, you can find a way forward. Some people will hurt you but some won't. Life will change so much in the next few years, let them play out, let them put you on a better path than this.

 

[iamjustapebble]

there is no other way

 

[lilyistootired]

No, sorry, you've got to go back to school in the fall, Lily, tired or not, you can find a way forward. Some people will hurt you but some won't. Life will change so much in the next few years, let them play out, let them put you on a better path than this.

I am going back in the fall, I'm not killing myself before then partially because I'm staying with a family member where part of the agreement to stay with them was to not be a suicide risk while staying with them. As for longer term, it's kind of pointless. I have no interest in existing if no one's rescuing me from having to be functional and protecting me and I know that sounds insane but I'm so tired and so done. I'm ready to die, at one point I convinced myself if I CTB then there will be a stable mother who's actually able to fix me after I do it who just wants me to CTB so I can meet her and be done with this constant chaos. There's no point to being alive if you have to be functional enough to hide everything at work constantly and no one is protecting you.