Venting Do you really actually wanna CTB?

[aunaltravita]

I'm fascinated by the perspectives and experiences that people have expressed here; honestly I think this is such a brilliant thread. I relate to so much of what's being said.

There's so much therapeutic value in self-acknowledgement that one is not alone in their struggles; this thread has proved that to me. Feeling seen and truly understood is equally important, and however difficult that may be, we should all strive for it through real human connection.

Btw if anyone here lives in London or even anywhere else in the UK, hit me up. Meeting and building friendships with other like-minded individuals could be what helps in healing ourselves, whilst also giving us a reason to stay.

UK, London? Meeting up?? In this economy of journalism terror?

Jk I ain't from there otherwise I would've not wanted to anyway ahahaha

Anyway thanks for your words, it seems that human connection always resurface in the end as we are smart monkeys in the end, hopefully this thread will be read many times in the future too

 

[wishingdeath]

In my own experience, it amplifies your current state and also depends on your predisposition to said things: paranoia, depression, anxiety etc

I also noted that people that tend to abuse any kind of substance can and will probably spiral downwards anyway in some form or the other. I saw many people being functional and living even if they kept using cocaine almost everyday or here and there, so there's just something different either biologically or psychologically. It seems that my ironic suggestion triggered some of you, as it should, cuz you know it's not something that should be done (and I know that personally)



















Ye there's no really dumb people here, each message I quoted has some sort of meta-cognitive analysis on life, people that can just "live it trough" just seem to not see the system we live in or just seem to not care at all and be contempt with it.

Do y'all think that without having the intelligence to see things like this and be more "naive" would've put you in a different position from now?

I can feel that if I didn't had the capacity to approximately project my coming years I would not want to CTB, I'd just go with it, and, for someone to say that it's gonna be useless to even try means that they actually weighted all options and arrived to the conclusion that CTB is just the best outcome overall.

Myself, too, I could just go back in my country and keep on living but for what? To be "enslaved" in the system and just keep on "living" but with an even bigger burden that now? No thanks.

But having double thoughts regarding the well being of our loved ones, making sure they are ok after our departure, it's something that fascinates me so much...because CTB is the most selfish and highest form of self love that someone could do, but still, for some of us, we still want to make sure that OTHER people will be ok. Ironic, even if for some they don't really care about others.

The myth of Sisyphus, is the one that I see is really burdening us all.

Literally. I always think some of us suffer more because we understand too much. We're not naive, we're realistic and see things others don't.

 

[diealegend24]

I'm kinda new, given that some users even have been active for 2 or more years here.

But from my own experience irl and reading tons of threads, I can clearly see that some of you don't actually want to ctb.

I will say some things that will piss some of you.

I ain't a pro-lifer, I'm pro choice, nobody asked to be born but we all should be able to decide for our own life, having said this:

Some of you are young, like really young, I'm young too (over 25 but below 30) and I don't have health problems I just made some decisions that will cripple all my life going forward and I'm just exhausted, let's highlight that, exhausted, and I know FOR A FACT that It will get a lot, a lot harder.

Cuz I've tried, trust me, I've tried with all my heart and all my strength but still...for my own faults and external forces, i arrived to the conclusion that I want, I need to ctb (it will also remove some burdens to my close ones)

The thing is that I've been thinking about CTB since I was 16 but I gave myself a chance but it's gonna be hard, it's gonna be ugly af, probably 2/3x harder for you.

But some of you, don't really want to CTB, trust me, some of you just need to change environment, change point of view, change friends, change house, CHANGE.

All this things like everything else takes time but at least try, please, keep trying.

You are not terminally ill, you are free, you probably don't have debts, you probably can turn your life around.

And from what I've read some of you are just here seeking for attention, keep in mind that I hate you. I'd wish to have your life and your opportunities, just like someone else would like to be in my own life as well.

I'm an hypocrite, but at least, I aint coming here to be time wasting just because I had a "lil phase", go do something for real and THEN if you still want to CTB, come back here. Don't waste yourself for some minor and irrelevant stuff. C'mon.

There is someone here that is so sick that each day is a suffering, some people here actually won't have nothing going for them if they actually tried. Damn just by not being homeless is something that you should be happy about.

But still, you have to decide for yourself and yourself only, just be 100% sure if you want to CTB and if you're not 100% sure go LIVE YOUR LIFE, it will end anyway.

And I think that I wrote this thread for myself too...but I'm hopeless.

My little brother died, my OCD is severe, my rumination is terrible, my nervous is stuck in fight or fought and I have family issues.

I tried working on these things but I can't seem to get better.

The issue is it's complicated. If I weren't suffering mentally the way I am I wouldn't want to.

But it's tiresome living.

At the same time my parents rely on me so much and they already lost a little boy, my little brother only 17.

Right now I'm living cause I have no choice while at the same time constantly trying to fight a method that would cause my death to look accidental or die in a remote location where I'll never be found.

I don't want to CTB tbh, I really don't. However, life is miserable and it just keeps getting worse. One battle after another each one leaving more in pain.

I miss my little brother.

 

[AgathaChristieLover]

I don't want to, but I have to

 

[oot]

I'm 52, lost my dominant hand in an accident and have progressed to have other side overcompensation injury. Nothing I used to do that I loved is anything I can do now except listen to music. I'm tired of the condescending platitudes that I can find meaning in something else when I can't even dress myself. I have grown children and feel endlessly guilty for leaving them. But in the way of nature I will anyway and I find it shit that I should wait out my natural death just decomposing so that my kids remember a crust of who I am.

 

[unclejack]

I'm 52, lost my dominant hand in an accident and have progressed to have other side overcompensation injury. Nothing I used to do that I loved is anything I can do now except listen to music. I'm tired of the condescending platitudes that I can find meaning in something else when I can't even dress myself. I have grown children and feel endlessly guilty for leaving them. But in the way of nature I will anyway and I find it shit that I should wait out my natural death just decomposing so that my kids remember a crust of who I am.

The phrasing reminds me of similar that I have said. I put it that the condition I am in is useless to them anyway, and they wouldn't be any better off for my continued existence as a simulacrum of who I used to be.

 

[oot]

absolutely. I am no longer who they knew. If I had died 5 years ago it would be the same mourning and I am in a rate of decay anyway

 

[DriftingToOblivion]

Maybe I'm the odd one here but I get vaguely excited at the idea. I hold onto the plan like a way out of my daily struggles. Every day feels difficult for me.

To be clear I have lived a full life. My children are grown. I am still working but the work is actually hard for me at my age.

I could escape and that sounds good to me. The reason I haven't is that I have family and friends who would not understand.

So I feel a responsibility to keep living but the desire is not really there.