Yes. I think I had quite sadistic traits as a child. I'm glad they have subsided. Some things about me still confuse me though. I'd say I am quite a compassionate person but sometimes, I'm kind of shocked at how cold I can be.
There used to be this guy that I probably thought I was in love with. Turns out it was probably limerance. Whether it was his fault or mine, he made me feel really shit about myself. We were never together. It's not resentment that we weren't- I didn't expect that. It's more that I felt like he judged me to be this really awful person. It's hard to describe really.
In any case- it was obvious he used people. Especially women- I think he played on the fact they found him attractive, befriended them, got them to help him (not sexually) and then, dumped them. I felt like he was actually emotionally destructive to women. (He had Mummy issues- maybe it came from that.)
Anyhow- I moved away from where he was years ago. In a moment of curiosity and light stalking- I tried to check up on him. Turned out he had died. What's so weird is- I felt nothing. In some awful ways, I even felt relieved. I guess that still confuses me. That can't make me a good person. I try to justify it by saying to myself I thought he was a manipulative arsehole that posed some danger to women but still- this was someone I thought I loved at one time. Sorry- you probably didn't want an essay!
Oh- and I seem to have a morbid curiosity with disasters like Chernobyl. They make me cry- so it's not sadism. I just seem to sometimes revel in proving to myself how corrupt this world is- maybe to further convince myself why I want out. Still- all of that can't be good either. Still- I guess I'm not alone. Seems like there is a massive appetite for True Crime and grizzly disasters out there given how much media there is about them.
