Do you hate yourself or just life in general?

[wildflowers1996]

Myself
If only I'd been prettier I think there is a lot about life I'd enjoy
I don't see existence as inherently bad
There is so much joy that can be experienced
But maybe I'd never feel completely ok knowing others were suffering.

 

[sserafim]

I just can't bear the idea of finishing school, only to go into a monotonous cycle of work.

Literally. It seems so pointless, meaningless and unfulfilling to me. I wish I could've stayed in college forever

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I wish I could've stayed in college forever

Can't you make a 2nd degree?

 

[sserafim]

Can't you make a 2nd degree?

My parents don't want to pay for another one lol. My degree is from a top college and I don't want to attend a lesser one

 

[Surfie]

I'm pretty much the opposite as you.

I think life and the world is actually pretty fascinating and potentially great. I think there's so many incredible things in the world that can be done, seen, learned, experienced, etc. I just hate how my life turned out and I hate myself.

I'm the same. I hate myself, the way I look, how my brain is wired - everything.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

My parents don't want to pay for another one lol. My degree is from a top college and I don't want to attend a lesser one

Yeah! Anyway, a degree from a top college should be enough.

 

[sserafim]

I don't know, the hedonic treadmill effect makes me think that it could never be "great." You're always going to be missing something, striving after something. Then if you ever manage to get it, the goalposts will shift and you'll just move onto something else. Plus, events outside your control will always happen and bring you right back to suffering (health problems, grief, job loss, etc.)

It's not just growing old that terrifies me, but having to go through menopause specifically. I might not hate myself but I do hate being female.

I guess so. I agree that the goalposts in life are always changing; there are always new goals to strive towards, and you could lose everything (in a stroke of fate). The pleasure doesn't make the pain worth it in my opinion. You said that you're always going to be missing something. Would you say that the inherent state is one of lack? I guess everything we do is to fulfill our needs and desires.

I hate being female as well. I hate periods, I wish that I didn't have to go through them. Are you saying that menopause is worse? No

 

[rozeske]

No I don't hate my self. I just hate my life. I don't believe I did anything to deserve the life handed to me. I actually feel sorry for me.

 

[sserafim]

I have actually done a LOT of research into why that is because I also find it a fascinating phenomenon. It's way too much to lay out my findings here though.

I've actually considered writing a book about it before. But my depression is too bad for that, tbh.

Would you be open to talk about it in DMs? I'm interested in your research

 

[KafkaF]

Would you be open to talk about it in DMs? I'm interested in your research

I'd rather not, tbh. I don't want to get too personally acquainted with anyone here. It's nothing personal. It's just knowing what this forum is and what it's for, I don't want to get invested in anyone here because then it'll hurt too much if they go.

Honestly, I probably shouldn't even be on this forum. But I don't know what else to do or where else to talk about all of this stuff.

 

[sserafim]

I'd rather not, tbh. I don't want to get too personally acquainted with anyone here. It's nothing personal. It's just knowing what this forum is and what it's for, I don't want to get invested in anyone here because then it'll hurt too much if they go.

Honestly, I probably shouldn't even be on this forum. But I don't know what else to do or where else to talk about all of this stuff.

Oh okay, I understand. Lol same; I shouldn't even be on this forum either but I also have nowhere else to talk about this stuff

 

[F@#$]

Both

 

[KafkaF]

Oh okay, I understand. Lol same; I shouldn't even be on this forum either but I also have nowhere else to talk about this stuff

Yeah, there's not a lot of places for people like us to go. *hug*

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

I guess so. I agree that the goalposts in life are always changing; there are always new goals to strive towards, and you could lose everything (in a stroke of fate). The pleasure doesn't make the pain worth it in my opinion. You said that you're always going to be missing something. Would you say that the inherent state is one of lack? I guess everything we do is to fulfill our needs and desires.

Yeah, I would agree that our default state is one of lack. If you don't strive to feed yourself, you'll be hungry. If you don't strive to drink water, you'll be thirsty. Etc.

I hate being female as well. I hate periods, I wish that I didn't have to go through them. Are you saying that menopause is worse? No

You'd think that menopause would be a long-awaited relief from one of the worst parts about being female but instead it's just more problems.

 

[Oliver]

Life is is just a long stream of disappointments in my opinion and what makes it all unbearable is the fact, that we also age on top of it all. If you could stay young, then I'd probably consider staying alive for some decades and see what it could bring.

 

[leavingthesoultrap]

Both tbh. But it wasnt like that in the past...

 

[sserafim]

Life is is just a long stream of disappointments in my opinion and what makes it all unbearable is the fact, that we also age on top of it all. If you could stay young, then I'd probably consider staying alive for some decades and see what it could bring.

True

Both tbh. But it wasnt like that in the past...

Wdym?

 

[RedDoor]

For me im pretty sure i hate myself more. Not that i mean that this world is okay but i think that even with all of the terrible things that happen around us including its terrible way of living, i just hate myself 10 times over

 

[Illegal Preclear]

Honestly, I'm so dead inside I can't even hate myself anymore. I was born incurably mentally disabled, and I fought the systems that made me that way pretty well once upon a time. Maybe I left some wounds on those systems in my own small way, so this life wasn't a total waste. But there was never going to be a happy ending with the way my brain was wired, and now, for someone like me, I've come to the natural end of my life. I'm already dead. There's no help for me - one of our most basic natural laws is that you can't bring back something that's dead, and my mind and all the perceptions it once had are dead.

As for life itself - yeah, I hate it. I spent most of my life seeking out the truths of this world and they were all very, very ugly. The System that broke my mind in the way it did is more evil than any "normie" can imagine. I think people here can imagine it though. If you've accepted CTBing as the way FORWARD, you've seen and accepted, to varying degrees, the truth of this world.

The final truth of this world is that it IS a Prison Planet on a metaphysical level. Why ARE people afraid to die? Not the pain, everyone is afraid of pain and agony, but why do people FEAR leaving this Earth? If there's oblivion on the other side, than it's oblivion. It's non-existence. To say non-existence is somehow torturous is like saying all the years before you were born you were in a state of agony - makes no sense. And if there IS something beyond this... how do we know that's not the REAL world? But I'm rambling now.

I feel it wasn't always this way, the way "normies" view death now. The Ancient Egyptians spent their whole lives preparing for the REAL world that came after death. There was no fear. There was no "BUT LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL! THE HERE AND NOW IS ALL THAT MATTERS AND EVERY MOMENT IS PWECIOUS!" pro-life garbage. The Ancients knew much more than we know now and they knew that death was nothing to be afraid of. Somewhere along the line, something programmed us to cling to this Prison Planet and pro-life insanity became the way. And it IS insanity.

 

[leavingthesoultrap]

True

Wdym?

I thought that I was smarter/better than everyone else. When I was younger. And I also didnt want to ctb

 

[sserafim]

Honestly, I'm so dead inside I can't even hate myself anymore. I was born incurably mentally disabled, and I fought the systems that made me that way pretty well once upon a time. Maybe I left some wounds on those systems in my own small way, so this life wasn't a total waste. But there was never going to be a happy ending with the way my brain was wired, and now, for someone like me, I've come to the natural end of my life. I'm already dead. There's no help for me - one of our most basic natural laws is that you can't bring back something that's dead, and my mind and all the perceptions it once had are dead.

As for life itself - yeah, I hate it. I spent most of my life seeking out the truths of this world and they were all very, very ugly. The System that broke my mind in the way it did is more evil than any "normie" can imagine. I think people here can imagine it though. If you've accepted CTBing as the way FORWARD, you've seen and accepted, to varying degrees, the truth of this world.

The final truth of this world is that it IS a Prison Planet on a metaphysical level. Why ARE people afraid to die? Not the pain, everyone is afraid of pain and agony, but why do people FEAR leaving this Earth? If there's oblivion on the other side, than it's oblivion. It's non-existence. To say non-existence is somehow torturous is like saying all the years before you were born you were in a state of agony - makes no sense. And if there IS something beyond this... how do we know that's not the REAL world? But I'm rambling now.

I feel it wasn't always this way, the way "normies" view death now. The Ancient Egyptians spent their whole lives preparing for the REAL world that came after death. There was no fear. There was no "BUT LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL! THE HERE AND NOW IS ALL THAT MATTERS AND EVERY MOMENT IS PWECIOUS!" pro-life garbage. The Ancients knew much more than we know now and they knew that death was nothing to be afraid of. Somewhere along the line, something programmed us to cling to this Prison Planet and pro-life insanity became the way. And it IS insanity.

Maybe the ancients were onto something. What do you think is beyond this? What do you think the "REAL world that comes after death" is like?

 

[bipbapbop]

I hate myself. On paper, my life has been good. I have even seen a lot of beautiful things in this world. I could probably be living one of the best lives in the world if it weren't for my very very broken brain ruining everything beautiful I've ever touched. I genuinely think the world is pretty neat. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

 

[Silent_cries]

Both, but mostly myself bc of all the horrible things I've done in my past and how much of a burden I am to ppl.

Ngl, I'm suprised to see that there are people who are suicidal who doesn't hate themselves. I thought it was common sense that if ur suicidal you hate yourself but it seems I was wrong. I learn something new every day I guess.

 

[hadenough58]

No I don't hate my self. I just hate my life. I don't believe I did anything to deserve the life handed to me. I actually feel sorry for me.

I feel pretty much the same, I have been let down by the people I trusted the most and I am paying a high price for that now.
I cannot allow myself to trust anyone again and there is an emotional consequence to that for me.

 

[Illegal Preclear]

What do you think the REAL world after death is like?

I can't even pretend to know, but I think it would be like my dreams. In my dreams, I'm not disabled. I can feel joy, and the mental pain I feel every moment I'm awake isn't there. I'm a "normal" person without all the pain my mental illness causes me and I can engage with things and people. It's absolutely wild. But I think the REAL world after death would above all else involve just SHEDDING my broken brain and being put in a vessel that can engage with, take joy in, and understand the things around me. I've often thought 'if CTBing means I get to stay in my 'dream worlds' forever, I will absolutely, GLADLY take it!'

 

[reclaimedbynature]

I feel the exact same way only - I love myself, it is life that I hate more times than not.

 

[bipbapbop]

Both, but mostly myself bc of all the horrible things I've done in my past and how much of a burden I am to ppl.

Ngl, I'm suprised to see that there are people who are suicidal who doesn't hate themselves. I thought it was common sense that if ur suicidal you hate yourself but it seems I was wrong. I learn something new every day I guess.

Yes, I've found this forum to be quite eye opening as well. I always assumed that anyone who is suicidal also had mental health issues but there's quite a few users here who have a hard stance against that belief.

 

[thetruetato]

This is the way I feel I don't relate to so many, I only hate life and I don't hate myself in any way, I hate how I was burdened with the ability to exist and I believe I deserve better than existence, I deserve the peace of eternal nothingness because to me existence itself is the true problem, it's an imposistion, an hellish abomination and an unnecessary harm.

Simply being conscious and aware is a curse to me and I'm always thinking about how tragic it was how life even evolved at all, like why does life even have to exist when the absence of everything is perfection. I despise existence as it only causes meaningless suffering and problems there was never a need for, existence is completely useless and also just so unnecessary.

To me non-existence will always be preferable as those who no longer exist cannot mourn for how they lack the ability to suffer yet there is no limit as to how torturous existing can get and I simply don't wish to suffer just to risk experiencing way worse suffering at any moment, yet ceasing to exist solves everything, brings peace from all current suffering and removes any possibilities to suffer in the future. Existence is just evil to me, I'm not the problem but rather existence is.

And unlike many other suicidal people I'm not into self harm, I'm already harmed enough simply by existing and I don't wish for harm, I only wish for the absence of everything, it sounds so beautiful to never be able to think or feel ever again. But overall I only hate existence as existence itself is the ultimate source of my suffering, I was just unfortunate enough to be forced into existence, it's really sad how humans procreate, I wish they just wouldn't as it'd prevent so much pain caused by existing.

For me it's a bit of both, I hate life but also hate myself for causing some of the issues I have.

 

[Final_Choice]

I personally love myself, I'm not perfect and there are many things I'd change if I could but I don't hate myself at all. It's just life, situation I'm in, and my conditions which make CTB a better option than living.

 

[NewtoEarth]

I like myself and I like the world. I think I turned out well, there's just nothing for me other than the world.

I've never been able to connect to other people, I've never had strong relationships, I've never felt romantic love or sexual attraction. I've never had a sure thought, or a drive to succeed, or an end goal to strive towards. People feel...simple, to me. Not in a bad way, but in a way I can't manage to do. I can't get married and have kids. I can't start a company or work towards a "dream job." I don't have one. Any genuine attempts at connection rock their boats and I feel shame at that. I care about people enough to keep my genuine thoughts to myself.

The world and everything in it is shapes and colors and meanness and kindness. Lately, it's been a lot of mean in the world, a lot of hate. I think I see and think more like a child than an adult. Things are simple in my brain, solutions are kindness and sacrifice. I used to get angry when people did not agree, now I just sigh and turn the other way.

Something tells me I begged to have the chance to be here and now, like a spoiled child getting to eat something it shouldn't, I've had a taste and it's gross. I love the world and sometimes I love humanity but I'm not a helpful piece of it and it's really all more trouble than it's worth.