Venting Do you feel like you’ve existed for too long?

[FuneralCry]

That is how I feel all the time, like I've been trapped here for far too long, I hate how I've managed to exist for over 2 decades, it's such a long time and at 22 years I feel so old. It's horrific the thought of potentially being trapped here for decades longer which will happen if somehow I don't manage to leave, existing truly is something so terrible, unnecessary and it's true that existing will only get worse as time goes on. But I just think it's such a punishment having the ability to exist here where all that we are intended for is suffering and decay. Existing is just a process of slowly dying which of course is something so repulsive and undesirable, I could never see any benefit to being trapped in the prison that is consciousness enduring such a futile and empty existence. This world is such a harmful, dangerous place that to me would be absurd to wish to exist in, it's terrifying how rock bottom could never exist, the tragedy lies in how much endless suffering exists.

But it's true that the thought of being gone for all eternity with everything finally being forgotten about is the only comfort for me, existing could never be for me at all, ideally this existence never should have happened, as my existence was only an unnecessary disturbance in what was otherwise the perfect state of not-being. Even one second spent here is one second too long.

 

[pharmacoepia]

Not for me necessarily. I know that a lot of users including you have disabilities that make it hard to life, but as somebody who is only mentally impacted and not physically unable, I still have my whole life ahead of me. Maybe when I get to retirement age in the late century before the roaring 2100's occur, I'll consider it if retirement is not looking like a good option.

Maybe one day, a world war will happen that will effect how I and the 8 billion other people on this Earth will have to live, and it might become CTB-worthy if the economy or political state of the world becomes shitty.

 

[SilentSadness]

I don't like the world either.

 

[Anon1337]

Yes. I should have ctb in 2019. I'm in limbo and have been for a while. I don't have any hope for the future. Every year my life gets worse and worse.

 

[sorrowful]

definitely. i dislike how people invalidate the suffering of young people. even though i have not been around as long as others, it has been enough for me, and i do not get why people say to hold on and things can change when evidently things do not change for a lot of people and i do not see them changing for me, being as my problem is within existence as a whole.

i wish i had ctb sooner when i had more chances. it's cruel how we are imprisoned here. i cannot see myself staying around for that much longer though, unless my plans go terribly wrong.

 

[unnormal9]

Yeah. others agree too

 

[leftdreaming]

I should've ctb when I had friends so at least I would know somebody would remember me. On the other hand, the lives hurt by my death will be minimal.

If I had to look at it in a positive light, I feel that more time has made me more sure this is my direction in life. I can ctb more peaceful knowing I gave it my all to survive and not blaming myself.

 

[ToTheTwillight]

I wished I CTB when I was 13, then so much pressure and force to live was prevalent everywhere. Did the life thing despite hating more of it than not. Now 37, but I'm confident and not too afraid to cut the plug. Certainly feel like it's long overdue for me

 

[BloomingRose]

I've been tired of existing for a while now so I think so. I believe living isn't for me and wish that I haven't existed at all.

 

[murmur]

would've been nice to have died as a child or even better in the womb, i wish i didnt live long enough to have experienced the damage done onto me. i think its even painful for many that had somewhat good childhoods, to be told to hope for so much or to wait for things to make sense, as a child, I pinned my hope in those promising words, I assumed they held as much weight as encouraged, at some point every kid gets met with enough unnecessary tedium and cruelty to realize it never ends and sure its a part of growing up but its a painful realization nonetheless. Suicide is just sensible in the current world, especially if your the type of person that cant simply get over the fact that suffering outweighs everything ten times over.

 

[whitherrvbound]

Same case for me i attemped ctb when i was 15 i remember telling my father ''i just cant wrap my head around existence i dont perceive the world like the others'' and 5 years forward nothing changed since back then. Yeah i got into university with scholarship when everyone thought that i was a lost cause but i was fooling myself i should've died 5 years ago i never wanted to get this far and never expected to come this far i dont have any motivation or will to live its emotionally and rationally distressing to live in this random nonsensical world.

 

[Hollowman]

32 years too long.

 

[hag]

way, way too long

 

[catharspiral]

I should've died a very, very long time ago.

 

[LittleJem]

I wish I never existed. I also wish I never got married as I was mad and I didn't know. I regret all the suffering my madness has caused. And I am really missing my dog, but I don't think it's fair to see her as it isn't fair on my ex.

Now all I have is Netflix and food in my life. It is a totally pointless existence. I wish I could erase it all.

 

[leavingsoon99]

lol. I'm 20 years your senior. I feel like I've overstayed my welcome (if I was even welcomed to begin with) in this life. I can't wait to be done with it all. I'm over it.

 

[Kerrtu]

I wished I CTB when I was 13, then so much pressure and force to live was prevalent everywhere. Did the life thing despite hating more of it than not. Now 37, but I'm confident and not too afraid to cut the plug. Certainly feel like it's long overdue for me

When I first began to realize I did not want to be here, I wish I acted then. As you said, long overdue.

 

[NoLoveNoHope]

Absolutely, I've had many attempts and had wishes to be gone for years. I just want this nightmare to end.

 

[Sadbrains]

I relate to you strongly, but not always. And the times I do not, make my feelings for the times I do stronger. I go into deep thought sometimes, on what it means to die. I think of others, and how death is common so it can't be so bad. So why am I still here, suffering? What if I do not ctb, and I go some horrible way instead. What if that doesn't matter either? There's so many confusing thoughts on the topic.

Sometimes I think I've existed for too long, as I depersonalize too much and have short burst of feeling real. The things that usually remind me I'm alive are very hurtful. What proves that I'm real? What if none of us are. What if none of this matters? The thing that drives me to find more faith in being on the other side of this, are those final moments I fear. I do not fear death, but I fear the possible pain that comes right before. I am scared it won't be like anything I've imagined.

Everything I said probably makes no sense, because it is a complicated subject, so my answer is just, most of the time, yes.

I sympathize with everyone else on this thread that also have to feel this constant suffering.

 

[blacksand]

Yes I envy those who die young like James Dean.

Not for me necessarily. I know that a lot of users including you have disabilities that make it hard to life, but as somebody who is only mentally impacted and not physically unable, I still have my whole life ahead of me. Maybe when I get to retirement age in the late century before the roaring 2100's occur, I'll consider it if retirement is not looking like a good option.

Maybe one day, a world war will happen that will effect how I and the 8 billion other people on this Earth will have to live, and it might become CTB-worthy if the economy or political state of the world becomes shitty.

There will be no retirement late this century. Retirement being a normal thing has been a tiny blip in human history.

 

[EndJstifiesTheMeans]

yes, definitely

 

[Forever Sleep]

In terms of my life- yes- I can't say I feel like I've benefited from hanging on. I'm nearly double your age- at 43. Still, my decision to hang on has been so as not to upset the people closest to me. I feel like that was/is the right decision for me.

I guess I'm 'lucky' that my life is just about bearable for the main part though- so- while I don't like it- I have been able to tread water. If I had or develop persistant health problems- that would be a different matter. I'm simply not willing to put up with life if I'm ill on top of everything else.

 

[minx]

I do think so, yes. Even as i was being born, i almost died, strangled by my own umbrical cord. Throughout my life i've had a few near-death experiences and a couple of attempts. It truly feels like i am living on borrowed time, like my life is being prolonged artificially. Sometimes when i am manic, my brain develops outlandish narratives on why am i still here.

 

[Georg]

nope, I am m36, almost no friends, no wife/gf, no kids.
There is nothing for me to do from now on. It is the perfect time to ctb.

 

[The anhedonic one]

I'm 59 years old and have suffered from persistent, untreatable depression since I was 7.
I wish I had ended this existence many years ago because my so-called life has been one of needless, endless suffering.

 

[kelo]

Even tho I think my existence is pointless and unfair bc I didn't ask to be born in this world I'm kinda proud that I managed to live this long despite the suffering. At the same time I'm sad and I feel guilt for having the urge to ctb whilst there is so much good around me and nothing is actually wrong in my life I just don't belong here and I'm so tired. I don't regret that I didn't ctb 20 years ago but I don't really care if I did. Everything good that I've done and experienced to this day is pointless and more effort than I'm willing to actually give.
I wish I wouldn't cause so much suffering by ctb that is why I just keep living my life, so that ppl who want to live and be happy wouldn't be traumatized bc of my choices.

 

[The anhedonic one]

I wish I never existed. I also wish I never got married as I was mad and I didn't know. I regret all the suffering my madness has caused. And I am really missing my dog, but I don't think it's fair to see her as it isn't fair on my ex.

Now all I have is Netflix and food in my life. It is a totally pointless existence. I wish I could erase it all.

I really miss my dachshund rescue dog. Lost her last year. My best friend ever. I would love another dog from the rescue shelter, but I can't because my ctb is inevitable in the near future.
So sorry you are going through this.

 

[Darkover]

yes for too long i would rather die than be alive here

 

[OceanBlue]

Haven't been planning my life past 30 since the beginning. Anything is too long.

---

FC is 22.. definitely an old soul, sounds like an elder priestess, II in Tarot deck.
Hope nothing terrible befalls you and you live to see accessible assisted dying options & can finally exit in peace.

 

[telro]

I have craved, absolutely craved nonexistence since I was a child, so it definitely feels like I've existed too long