Constantly.
No matter what I do, I always feel like I'm fucking it up somehow, and that someone is going to be disappointed or otherwise let down because of me. I am completely unable to work or study because there's so much that's wrong with me. I can't even go out into the world – not even if I'm just being pushed around the block in a wheelchair – because of all of these issues that ravage my body and my brain. What would be considered by most to be a simple task or a nice outing carries so many risks for me and always leaves me bedridden afterwards.
My parents have nothing to be proud of – I can't even bear to write my dad more than once a month or so, because I feel like I'm bothering him just by checking in with him and not giving him any news about anything I've achieved, and I feel guilty for not being able to tell my mom anything even remotely interesting about my daily life. I feel like a broken record.
My mother-in-law, who goes grocery shopping for my husband and I because we're too ill to be able to do it ourselves and have no one else to turn to (my family is on the other side of the Atlantic), has made it very clear that our basic needs are burdensome and that it's so hard for HER that we're so sick. Every time I see her she looks so disappointed, so now I just stay in my room while she brings the groceries by because I can't stand to see that look on her face.
Even when it comes to my husband, who says I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him and that he loves me unconditionally, I still feel like a huge disappointment because he's so sick, too, and I wish I could do so much more to help him. I just want to make everything all better, and it kills me that I can't.
One of the times I was taken to the psych ward by a police officer, the officer asked me why I didn't want to live anymore, and I simply answered, "Because I'm bad at life, and I just don't want to be bad at anything anymore."
By merely existing, I feel like I've completely failed as a wife, a friend, a daughter, a human being... and I truly wouldn't blame anyone for thinking I'm a disappointment, because I think the exact same thing about myself. No matter how disappointed someone is in me, I will always – ALWAYS – be far more disappointed in myself.