I am afraid for my mother. The other day she told me again that she would prefer that I die sooner, that it would be a weight off her shoulders so she wouldn't have to think about what would become of me once she's gone (she'll be 79 in March). She says it a few times, but it makes me think about rethinking CTB because I'm afraid she'll think it's her fault (guilt is something so imbued by religion, I don't like it at all), it would be quite tragic if it happened and she thought that. I remember that every sudden and severe blow she has received during his life has taken a heavy toll on him and has meant a deterioration of his mind from which he has never recovered.
I remember when she separated from my father (1987) and how she was affected for many years. When my grandmother died (May 1999) her judgment began to be affected a little, in September 2010 due to some work in the kitchen she began to forget things and had a bad temper. In February 2018 because of some leaks in the upstairs bathroom it affected him so strongly that I already told him she had to go to the neurologist (he forgets many things or does not remember things well). Each upset has meant a strong deterioration for him from which he never recovers and only accumulates that deterioration for years.
I don't want my "liberation" to cause him too much wear and tear that would make it unfeasible for him to continue living as he has been doing.
And besides, I have a motto from years ago, "don't do anything that you can't take the consequences of".
The only solution is to talk it over with her beforehand or to make it clear in some way that it is a decision in which she has nothing to do, but I can't help thinking that she will feel responsible and I am very sorry for that.
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Tinc por per la meva mare. L'altre día em va tornar a dir que preferiría que jo morís abans que ella, que es treuría un pes de sobre per no haver de pensar que sería de mi un cop ella no hi sigui (farà 79 anys el Març). Ho diu poques vegades, però em fa pensar en replantejar-me el CTB perquè tinc por que pensi que és culpa seva (el sentiment de culpa és una cosa tan imbuïda per la religió, no m'agrada gens), sería força tràgic que passés i pensés això. M'en recordo que cada cop sobtat i fort que ha rebut durant la seva vida li ha afectat molt i ha suposat un deteriorament de la seva ment del qual mai s'ha recuperat.
Recordo quan es va separar del meu pare (1987) i com va estar força anys afectada. Quan va morir la meva àvia (maig del 1999) va començar a afectar-li el "seny" una mica, el setembre del 2010 per unes obres de la cuïna va començar a oblidar-se de les coses i a tenir més mal geni. El febrer del 2018 per unes goteres del bany de dalt li va afectar tant fort que jo ja li vaig dir que havía d'anar al neuròleg. Cada disgust ha suposat un fort deteriorament del qual no es refà mai i només fa que acumular durant els anys.
No vull que el meu "alliberament" li suposi un desgast massa fort que li faci inviable seguir vivint com fins ara.
I a més tinc un lema de fa anys, "no facis res del qual no puguis assumir les conseqüències que s'en derivin".
L'única sol·lució és parlar-ho amb ella abans o deixar ben clar d'alguna manera que és una decisió en la qual no hi té res a veure, però no puc evitar pensar que és sentirà responsable i em sap greu.
Editat: He editat per corretgir faltes d'ortografía
