Venting Do you ever feel furious or angry that you let yourself live to 2024?

[recat]

I do. In late 2022, I planned to catch the bus for the last time. But a new friendship stopped me. Only to then realize, it was not even worth it. I was not supposed to live through 2023, yet I did, on a mutual promise to not end it. now again, my birthday passed relatively recently, and i realize that now its been 15 goddamn years. Why was I on the fence for so goddamn long? Why am I beleiving the lies of pro lifers "it will get better" IT FUCKING DOES NOT. 15 GODDAMN YEARS. I am 28. 15 years is more than half of my entire life. More than half of my entire damn living life, i have been depressed and uninterested in living, yet I did it anyways. Half of my goddamn life. Why the fuck did I not get on with it sooner. Why the fuck am I even delaying it now? FUCK

 

[sserafim]

Yeah, I'm mad that I lived this long. I didn't want to live past 18. I always thought that I would be dead before I reached adulthood, and I never thought that I would (have to) become an adult. I never imagined or envisioned myself becoming an adult, I never saw myself becoming one. I never saw a future for myself as an adult. I should have died back in 2018 tbh. I plan to ctb this year though, I plan to die at 23. I'm not reaching 2025. I feel like I'm meant to die young, and that I've already lived too long.

 

[recat]

i really do not want to reach 2025 too, but i am sabotaged with doubt of "what if i'm loved again", "what if i could start a new life with him", "what if i could be happy". I feel like these thoughts lately just fucking trap me in this life that might get better but it just doesn't, and i cant seem to learn.

 

[indignity]

should not have made it to this year if I only kept my word.

 

[LunarCharm]

I was supposed to CBT in 2023 in around May. I had no friends at the time, just my at-the-time long distance boyfriend of almost a full year.
I broke up with him with zero explanation impulsively, because I had planned to CBT.
I made a friend who got me through May, and then got me through months and months, until November hit and my at-the-time boyfriend and I got back together, and life seemed worth living because of him.
he broke up with me about a week ago, saying that being with me was killing him, that as much as he loves me, mentally he cannot handle it.
I wish I had CBT-ed back in May, back when I had no friends, no one who cared about me. Because now I have to go through the struggle of distancing from my loved ones without them suspecting anything.

 

[lnlybnny]

I feel i've let myself down bc i feel i should have done it years ago, but also i'd have missed living the most special moments of my life. it's so conflicting and paradoxical.