Do you even remember who you used to be?

[ForbiddenSiren]

I barely do. Life has gone so fast, so much trauma. So many people fucking with my head. I always have tried to be friendly to everyone Ive ever known. Even a simple gesture at a supermarket asking how someones day has been.

Its always felt so good to brighten someones day even with such a simple gesture.

I still am kind (probably overly) but the old me is gone. Dead and rotten.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Yes I can remember when I was out and about in the world… And even had some hope… It was not perfect but better than this…

 

[Hope:-)]

Looking through old photos really highlighted how I used to be. Loved life. Loved to joke and laugh. I remember who I used to be and that's the painful part.x

 

[FuneralCry]

I've always been the same. But I would rather not remember the past at all, it's better to forget.

 

[Un-]

There was never a time where I wasn't depressed or suicidal. Even though I say I only thought of suicide when I was 10, I can't remember anything at all before that age. I've always been like this..

 

[brokensea]

I find myself completely filled with rage and I snap at people very quickly IRL. I am beyond my tolerance for crappy people or people who mistreat you. I'm filled with so much rage and apathy and hopelessness. I can never be the person I once was. I can't remember what it felt like.

 

[ForbiddenSiren]

I've always been the same. But I would rather not remember the past at all, it's better to forget.

Sorry to hear that. I agree, fuck the past.

 

[[HNO]]

i'm an abnormal from the very begining. death and things of this category haunted me in my head since 8yo. at 10 i started to consider to off myself unironically and im still in here. i'm used to have some emphaty in the past, at least awhile i loved my mom and cared that someone is in sufferring but love to mother turned in hatred eventually and i realized that empathy is something unecessary, thing without benefits , especially it's when all I do is wasting life behind a computer, masturbating and daydreaming about death all day like who would even care if 'human' like this eaten alive by wild dogs around some industrial district, i know that i'd seen happenings in real life as serious ones like the x politcal side is right and the y side is wrong and such and when a terroristic act happened in thousands kms from country i thought 'it's bad, sad, horrid' now it's senseless freak circus driven purely by egoism and striving for power, or some morbid animalistic desires and so all motivation i see in people ruling the world turned as purely egoistical,mercantile and animal in some degree to me. like global evil and good doesnt exist anymore but used to exist far in the past. and i came to conclusion that value of action is determined chiefly in the potential profit it gaves and if you really want to suceed in rat race you should consider people around either as insects or as partners with painted target on their back to stab and pave your path on corpses of people who more stupid or weaker than you in order to get more power and money(determinants of the"life sucess")

well okay i explained my thoughts muddly so i'll reformulate i thought in the past that human is conscious specie capable to bring utopia and heaven on the earth now i think it's nothing but somewhat intelligent animal driving by 'mate, feed, kill. repeat' factors in its actions so there's no utopia and future for us, all will remain the same

 

[notlongnow]

I look at an old photo of me with my family regularly and I well up everytime. Hell, I even have tears running down my face now as I type this. I wasnt perfect back then but I was a lot better than now. Addiction is a little creeper of a disease and it's snuck up on me pretty hard.

I'm a different person now. A shadow of my former self. The final nail in a very complex coffin that is my life.

 

[thebunny]

i still remember my happy self last year. i was alright last year and until the beginning of this year. but of course, just like how it always is, i relapse and i ruin myself and everyone around me. so now i'm just this little, empty void who's angry at the world and at life. sadly, i realised that this is who i am now and who i will be forever — and i don't want that.

 

[chloramine]

Yes and no? I don't remember what it's like to not want to die or to not be depressed and anxious. Those started at young enough ages that they're just. Normal. I cannot conceive of what it's like to not want to die. On the other hand I don't feel that's changed the core of who I am. I don't feel like a different person so much as the same person in different circumstances. Usually when I try to envision myself as not being like this I'm just more productive and useful to people around me.

 

[markimobzzdeasui]

Over the years, I have lost myself and possibly all the good parts of me. Repeated traumas,abuses and betrayel have made me a shell of a person I used to be. Although I was still suicidal and depressed on some level for most of my life, I was still hopeful, ambitious, honest and extremely curious years ago. But now all of those things are gone and I certainly cannot get them back. Very hard to look back into my own past.

 

[sewercide]

So sad. I was a completely different person as a child. It was society that destroyed my innocence. It wasn't right to be born in a world like this. I am traumatized.

 

[GhostNote]

In some ways yes, in some ways no. I feel most of me was an illusion. I think the love I have for my children and my desire to raise them is the only part of me I still somewhat recognize. Everything else is dead. My ex-wife is insanely evil. My parents have treated me like garbage since I developed chronic health issues, though they didn't prior to this. My condition prevents me from interacting with anyone in person, listening to music, watching television, going out in public, basically anything typical that people do. I'm isolated in a room 24/7 in hearing protection. I can't work. All I can listen to is the tinnitus in my ears. 3 years ago before acoustic trauma from a car stereo I was a fairly functional father who loved his kids and spent basically all my free time with them. Now I can't be with them. Without them as my anchor there is no me. I am just adrift.

 

[ForbiddenSiren]

In some ways yes, in some ways no. I feel most of me was an illusion. I think the love I have for my children and my desire to raise them is the only part of me I still somewhat recognize. Everything else is dead. My ex-wife is insanely evil. My parents have treated me like garbage since I developed chronic health issues, though they didn't prior to this. My condition prevents me from interacting with anyone in person, listening to music, watching television, going out in public, basically anything typical that people do. I'm isolated in a room 24/7 in hearing protection. I can't work. All I can listen to is the tinnitus in my ears. 3 years ago before acoustic trauma from a car stereo I was a fairly functional father who loved his kids and spent basically all my free time with them. Now I can't be with them. Without them as my anchor there is no me. I am just adrift.

Sounds rough :( hope you are ok. Pm if you need someone to talk to.

 

[GhostNote]

Sounds rough :( hope you are ok. Pm if you need someone to talk to.

Thank you

 

[Lily (Osako)]

I get flashes of the past, some memories of being happy at certain times.
But as a whole, no.

Looking through old photos really highlighted how I used to be. Loved life. Loved to joke and laugh. I remember who I used to be and that's the painful part.x

Exactly. The memories of the happy times actually makes it hurt even more now.

 

[Finding Sirius]

I used to be that person who could see the silver lining in any situation. I had huge ambitions and always wanted to help others. Unfortunately, when the only thing that mattered to me was gone, and people showed their true colors it broke me. I still try to be a good person but I find it hard to trust people. As others have said, looking back at old pictures and videos of who I used to be is so hard. I will never be that person agian.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

For me.... I remember the past and can't believe this is where I ended up.
My former self would be the one who wouldn't recognize me now.

 

[takemenowpls]

Can anyone else relate to the Metallica song "fade to black". If not, even if you hate metal YouTube the lyrics and take a listen. I think it somes up many of our lives. Just be prepared to become very emotional as you read and sing along. It's definitely my anthem.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

Over the years, I have lost myself and possibly all the good parts of me. Repeated traumas,abuses and betrayel have made me a shell of a person I used to be. Although I was still suicidal and depressed on some level for most of my life, I was still hopeful, ambitious, honest and extremely curious years ago. But now all of those things are gone and I certainly cannot get them back. Very hard to look back into my own past.

I feel like we have had the same life. I will never be able to get back what was taken from me.

 

[Blondie]

I get glimpses of who I used to be, I miss that person and really want her back, just so much trauma has happened I don't think it's possible

 

[IanUK]

I barely do. Life has gone so fast, so much trauma. So many people fucking with my head. I always have tried to be friendly to everyone Ive ever known. Even a simple gesture at a supermarket asking how someones day has been.

Its always felt so good to brighten someones day even with such a simple gesture.

I still am kind (probably overly) but the old me is gone. Dead and rotten.

I don't remember the child I was but apparently I was bright living positive and a joy. I was a very affectionate child in a family which was not demonstrative. I adored my parents but one day I went up to my mother hugged her and I was 6 and she said stop being such a mummy's boy, you are getting too big for hugs. That's when I changed at that moment. I never touched my parents again until I kissed both in their death bed. I shut down as a person as I realised humans could withdraw love easily. From that moment I built a wall and NEVER after that allowed anyone in or showed my emotion to anyone. My value of myself went and my empathy for other people disappeared hence how I valued life died. It's why I'm so clinical about suicide, humanity and society. A long time ago - over 55 years ago but I remember that moment

 

[ForbiddenSiren]

Th

I don't remember the child I was but apparently I was bright living positive and a joy. I was a very affectionate child in a family which was not demonstrative. I adored my parents but one day I went up to my mother hugged her and I was 6 and she said stop being such a mummy's boy, you are getting too big for hugs. That's when I changed at that moment. I never touched my parents again until I kissed both in their death bed. I shut down as a person as I realised humans could withdraw love easily. From that moment I built a wall and NEVER after that allowed anyone in or showed my emotion to anyone. My value of myself went and my empathy for other people disappeared hence how I valued life died. It's why I'm so clinical about suicide, humanity and society. A long time ago - over 55 years ago but I remember that moment

Thats so sad :( sorry you have been through all of that and how you are feeling now. Gotta give yourself credit though for sticking in this life for so long! Theres strength there!

 

[Ash’Girl]

I don't think I remember a time when I didn't have suicidal ideation, though I've gone stretches of time without active attempts. I always felt apart from people, I feel things too deeply - or I disassociate and feel nothing at all. No middle ground. Sensory overload or emptiness.

I've fought a lot to overcome my own brain. But after repeated life tragedies it feels almost like I'm cursed. Like happiness isn't something meant for me - I've had brief glimpses, then it's all gotten worse than before.

I remember what it's like to be truly happy and hopeful. Even if for a brief time. But for me it has always been fleeting, and so hope for that to ever change has gone. And that's the difference now - I used to have hope, even if a little. Now I am just so tired. And I think that "it gets better" is a lie.

 

[IanUK]

Th

Thats so sad :( sorry you have been through all of that and how you are feeling now. Gotta give yourself credit though for sticking in this life for so long! Theres strength there!

Thank you. I don't think parents realise a careless reference or action has a massive impact on a young mind. Sadly everything that happened followed from that moment. I've never been able to build an honest open relationship with anyone because I just don't trust people. My experience of people has only endorsed my suspicions; the vast majority of people are selfish, nasty or weak. I'm too old to change and when it comes the only things I will miss are this beautiful unique gorgeous world and wildlife. I can honestly say animals have brought me back from the brink over and over.

 

[freedompass]

Gosh. It really is so sad how the natural love and joy you can see in young kids gets extinguished over time. That more than anything convinced me that this life is not a net positive.

It's been an eventful summer for me and I've hung out here much less. Feel like I learned so much about my mother and brother in particular. Spending loads of time around my mum for the first time in my whole adult life I realised how sick she really is.

But back on topic. With the 'parents' that I had (and 'brother') I didn't really stand a chance. I was sad and weird from mid teens on. Emotionally I was and am an orphan. Never seen or known let alone understood by supposed primary caregivers.

Plus side is that I no longer blame myself for being a crap parent myself. My son has often said he doesn't feel like he belongs to this family. With what I now know. Nor do I

 

[Aeathelina]

Somewhat and I hate it. I hate that I was robbed of my happiness at such a young age and there's no way to go back to that person.

 

[TheManIllNeverBe]

I have had periods of suicidality throughout my youth and adult life, but it didn't turn into a daily thing until about 2 years ago, when my anti-depressant (sertraline) stopped working for me after the pharmacy changed suppliers. My shrink took me off of it cold turkey, which was a HUGE mistake, and it's completely ruined me. It was recently enough that I definitely remember and long for the "old me," even if I was still over-medicated and foggy from my TBI from my car accident. I was at least reasonably happy, able to engage in hobbies and in life, work a bit, and in a good place with my partner. We did things together, for one another. Now all I do is drag him down into depression with me, and feel bad about it. I keep hoping there's going to be some "magic bullet" that transports me back there, but with each passing day, I feel that hope fading farther away. I'm on another forum that talks about tapering and discontinuing psych meds, and from what I've learned there, I'm in for a long, painful recovery from going cold turkey on the sertraline, as well as having to spend a long time tapering off of the pile of meds I'm still on if I ever want the "old me" back. And I just don't know that I have it in me.

 

[Daria98765]

Me 2 years ago died the day this shit happened to me.This happy,full of hope fella is not here anymore.I barely remember this version of me.For me this person is like some stranger,because I don't feel like it was me.
So I kinda can remember what I used to be,especially when I look through my 2 years ago photos but I barely can admit it was me.