I don't want to die but I really really do

[BlueLock]

I don't want to get better but I don't want to get worse. I don't like leaving the house anymore but I hate doing nothing all day. All I think about is the past and every stupid mistake I made and it makes me cringe so hard I want to jump off a cliff. I frequently call suicide hotlines even though I don't think it helps. I go to therapy even though I know it doesn't fucking help at all. Ive been sleeping with rope and SN under my bed for 4 months now. I got close to doing it a few times but I haven't made a /serious/ attempt in like a year. I want to die I really, truly do but I can't do it. I always chicken out last minute and end up feeling sorry for myself. It's so pathetic it makes me want to die even more but I still can't do it.

It's getting to the point where my life has completely stopped because I have the mindset that nothing matters because i'm going to kill myself in a few months, YET I never do. I can't commit to living or dying am I screwed?

 

[csdfghjjk_user]

I feel the same way. As if I am in a limbo and I don't know what to do. I hate that I am like I am. I feel I can't take the steps to get better. Or if I do, I do 5 steps to feel worse. I can't stop thinking about the past and everything I did wrong. I am in therapy. I am looking up suicide methods every day. Some days I forget what I planned the the before. Every day is the same somehow. I feel I can't do the basic things and have the weakest excuses. I feel I need to decide. Either get better or stop living. Bc what I am doing is not helping anyone. Like, commit to one thing god dammit. But that seems to be a pattern. I couldn't commit to marrying my fiancé but also didn't want to break up. At some point I broke it. Then I was in a new relationship which was a limbo and painful and I didn't want to get out bc I loved him so much. I didn't change my job bc it wasn't too bad but I wasn't happy. So I quit without a new job aligned last year to travel and "find myself". Which I thought about multiple months. And thinking it through but somehow not enough bc there is a reason why "you don't quit without a new job aligned, it's not even that I didn't know??" and I found the worst depression possible unable to even apply for a job. and now I stopped fighting it even.

Like, I tried so hard to get better, but now the hope of getting better just crushed me so hard that I rather stay in this misery? But also, I don't want to be in this misery and I hate myself so much. No idea how to solve this, also looking for answers.