Am I supposed to be in a rational state of mind while I ctb? Does it matter if I say fuck it and end up doing it impulsively? Can anyone even have a rational state of mind if they are suicidal?
rational
adjective:
1. based on or in accordance with reason or logic.
I agree with your reasoning and concern. This is about 90% of all I can think about these days. My problems will never go away either, just compounded once my parents pass and I'm left to fend alone by myself with a dying body and worsening mental illness. I'm convinced life will never get better; it'll never become "Good" or even remotely tolerable again. I'm simply too fucked because of mental illness and poor decisions. Too old to start over. So, its rational to think what I think, in my opinion, I can make a very strong argument for it.
There are many who'd argue it is never rational, but those who know me and the stuff I've been through should understand and be able to view it as rational. I think lots of people just take a de facto 100% *SUICIDE IS ALWAYS WRONG* approach and therefore say it's always an irrational thought. I know for sure, in my case, it makes perfect sense for someone like me to CTB, particularly at this age. I've tried for a long time, over 15 years since depression first hit, to start a life. I've failed *spectacularly*.
I think this stuff every hour and every minute often as you say too. It'll hurt but I know me failing has been hurting my friends and family anyway, and realistically none of them should be surprised. Even if they were, as
@FuneralCry and others often say, we didn't choose to be born and live this life. I didn't choose to have 3 psychotic episodes and destroy literally everything I had. I didn't choose to be bullied relentlessly by students and my alcoholic narcissist mother. I have made some poor choices along the way but tbh life just shits on people without rhyme or reason, just as much as others receive good lives often without much rhyme or reason. I just happen to be one of the people life took a massive dump all over. I had the best intentions, my parents tried their best, but it just didn't work out. I'm sitting here typing this relatively calmy, no tears, just observations.
Therefore, yep-it's as rational as this type of thinking can possibly be. Even if someone hadn't made such a mess of their lives as I had, but simply wanted to CTB for existential/nihilistic reasons, who am I to say that's "not enough"? Most/all suicidal people think similar existentialist thoughts, that none of this really matters-and when you have endless amounts of pain, while also knowing that none of it really matters and it won't change, you're just suffering for no reason, makes it 10000x worse. And so, so many are also suffering for no reason, either. If you come to the conclusion that CTB is the best answer to a shitty situation, as long as you've thought it through thoroughly and hopefully aren't super young, I dunno what else you can be expected to do. That's my reasoning-I don't worry anymore about it being rational. It's so rational that at this point I have realized it's basically what must be done. Just like taking out the garbage. Sad shit, but anyone who's really in the depths of suicidal inclination can certainly understand.
Hopefully soon. Can't wait to get out of this hell
