Discussion Do people constantly try to tell you they will invest more in your life?

[losthope123]

I have been struggling with depressed feelings for the last year or two. Some people who claim to be my "friend" have told me after seeing me in this state that they were going to try and reach out more and be a better friend. Of course, they never do. A simple text every once in a while asking if I wanted to hang out or asking how I was doing would mean the world to me. I was curious if other people on this forum have seen this kind of pandering in their relationships?

 

[Bootleg Astolfo]

I've been promised several times by family and friends that they're so going to help me meet people and help me with my depression and anxiety, that they'd give any kind of support they can, some female friends even just straight up promising to match me with their single friends. The fact that i'm on this website can tell you how much of the promised help I actually received lol. Exept if you count the legal versions of kidnapping, imprisonment, theft and blackmailing to be help, then yes, they did help.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

I'm so sorry about what is happening to both of you. Yes I've been promised many things but this is how they stayed - as promises

 

[ZardozOmega]

I don't have anyone around me to tell me that.

 

[Dead beat dad]

Interesting that you use the term 'invest'
I find myself in a similar situation, I reach out to friends regularly, just to say hi, send the a random cat gif or whatever, this is almost never reciprocated.
I don't really let it worry me.
They have their life to live and I respect that, it doesn't make them bad people, just people, they're not hurting anyone but they probably just don't have the faculties or the (metaphorical) bandwidth to be that involved in my life.
For what it's worth brother I'm sorry that you're treated this way and it impacts you so.
You can be the better person here if you see it that way, helping others is a gateway to help yourself (allegedly...)
Peace friend
DBD

 

[Susannah]

Yes. After the accident, my biggest concern is lack of money. My mum has a big house, good pension and savings. She always says she'll help me with my economy, but it's always too little and too late.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

I have had a few individuals use the phrase: "I am here if you need to open up" if that counts? Regardless - it never turns out well. They usually get tired of me, or of anyone else who is in a similar place. From personal (and biased) experience this phrase is a trap.

 

[Gromit-CTB]

I have people who say I'm here for you and tell me everything I'm listening, if I do they ignore me for days or weeks. Decided to stay silent now, when ctb comes they can do the why didn't he tell, us he should have spoken up. Sorry to little to late

 

[Edenelle]

Honestly I kind of hate being told these things. Had someone precious tell me they loved me, they'd be here. That they cared. But they're lying. They don't care. They just pretend to because they're kind. When they understood more about my drinking issues they stopped talking to me. When it was apparent things were bad. Then other difficult things happened, they found out about it and spoke to me again out of some obligation and tried to say they needed me but we don't even talk. We'd never have spoken again if it weren't for that other person and it wouldn't have mattered. They say they care, but they don't. Being lied to only makes things harder. I'm so sick of being lied to.
And in all honesty. I can't blame them. Who'd want to be around me while I'm like this. Fuck it all.

 

[Life_and_Death]

yeah and they are.......but its pointless and im not worth it

 

[thisismyusername]

Some people who claim to be my "friend" have told me after seeing me in this state that they were going to try and reach out more and be a better friend. Of course, they never do.

In my experience, but it could also just be my friends, since I relate more to people like myself that have similar struggles, being the first friend to reach out in hard times makes it seem like no one cares when in reality, my friends and myself are both extremely having a hard time and then don't talk for months. Makes me feel lonely and have a harder time than usual, when I feel like I'm sulking in front of my phone or TV for days, when I started settings alarms or reminders for me to call them and then we just talk sometimes. I found it easier to say, "lets just go through our days no matter how boring it was or how much it sucked" and it turns into a really enjoyable exercise. Although, then we just get into those little bits of months and possible years of not talking again.

 

[DextersDog]

I have been struggling with depressed feelings for the last year or two. Some people who claim to be my "friend" have told me after seeing me in this state that they were going to try and reach out more and be a better friend. Of course, they never do. A simple text every once in a while asking if I wanted to hang out or asking how I was doing would mean the world to me. I was curious if other people on this forum have seen this kind of pandering in their relationships?

My whole life I've been hearing that. Just the fact that people say it indicates some degree guilt on their part . No one likes to feel guilty, and it's easier to move away from the source of it than to change the behavior that brings it about. I've always had a problem asking for what I want and expect people who "know me" to read my mind. People find ways to do the things they want to do and excuses to avoid things they don't. Yeah, a lot of people have disappointed and hurt me and none of them knows it. But they still say shit like "I feel terrible that I haven't called," or "I know I haven't been a very good friend lately," then keep on doing or not doing the very thing they apologize for. I've never understood people which I guess is the primary reason I'm on this board.

 

[SuicideBoys93]

None of my friends reach out to me. I think me going to the military for six years ruined all my friendships. Now that I'm back home for good they still don't reach out to me. Yesterday I did meet up with a friend from my time in service. It was actually the first time I've went out with any friends since I've moved back home a few months ago. I think that's why I regret leaving the service because those guys check on me more than my so called friends from where I grew up. I'll text people and won't get any responses. Literally the only time my phone goes off is the dispensary telling me what daily weed deals are going on. I'm destined for loneliness. I think that's why I stayed in my toxic marriage for so long because I was afraid of ending up alone. Here we are. :/

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

If they weren't investing before, chances are slim to none that they will make such a change, not sustainably. It's rare that someone has an epiphany and makes significant change unless it serves them, not to show the other person how much they mean to them. Attachment styles don't usually change course during a relationship for the one who gives, but for the one in need.

 

[everydayiloveyou]

Teachers used to tell me this when I was little, but I don't hear it anymore.

But honestly, you can't expect people to follow through for you. There's only so much emotional labor that people can handle.

It's exhausting and stressful to have a friend who expects to be checked on like this. And it's depressing to talk to someone who always has problems. It's particularly bothersome to sane, normal people who feel happy more often than not. When they feel happy, they don't want to carry someone else's burdens and ruin their own days. No one likes that, not even fellow mentally ill people. It's less about you and more about them and their own tolerances.

Friends are just friends, they don't owe you a wellness check every week or a pity hangout every month. It's very likely that even if they did everything "right", you'd still be struggling. They simply aren't equipped with the means to fix your problems or help you cope with them. And mental illness doesn't care about how many friends are texting you or inviting you out to dinner. It will hurt you even if you have a whole team of people invested in your wellness. Of course a support system always helps, but you gotta make do with what you have.

It's important to have boundaries. Don't place this undue pressure on your friends. Even if you don't say it outright, people can usually sense when you are evaluating their every action and inaction. I think if they are even saying that stuff in the first place, they definitely have some kind of concern for you. There can be a million reasons why they never follow through. But that's for them to deal with. You just need to focus on yourself and what's best for your health. Enjoy their company when you have them around, and live your life when they aren't. Don't hope that your friends invest in you, because that means they will eventually need to cash out on your behalf. Invest in yourself, and aim to be capable of being happy independent from others. Otherwise you'll always be stuck in this loop of desiring attention, not being satisfied, and feeling worse as a result.