Do inexperienced people idealize sex and relationships more?

[noname223]

Do people with not that much experience idealize sex and relationships?

I have a very experienced friend and in my opinion I see his behavior critical. He once pretended to be interested in a longterm relationship with a woman and he did this just to have sex with her. I find this really gross. But I also don't know how I can communicate that to him. I have the feeling he has no problem with such a behavior. Honestly, I sort of judge him for that.

I know for people with a lot of experience having sex is part of dating usually. But I think both should be aware of intentions. I really dislike the notion to be so manipulative like him. And all my other friends considered this behavior also as gross.

I have made a lot of bad dating experiences. And some good experiences. I have a friend with literally zero dating experiences and he struggles a lot with that. He often shits on the dating culture. But he has a crush and he doesn't know her that well. From what I have heard she can be quite a messy person and I am not sure whether he would actually like to live with her.

I have the feeling I often attract manipulative women. And I have dated a woman that cheated on her boyfriend in a horrible way. It is ironic I almost killed myself when she rejected me. Though, when I realized how horrible she acts behind the back of her boyfriend I would never want to be together with her. My friend was quite angry and pointed out it would not have been worth it to kill myself over her. But for me the point was more that there is something categorically wrong with me that makes me unlovable. I realized this is probably not true. I am probably only attractive to some women. There are some niches where I might be popular. Women who have mental conditions. On dating apps I often think I don't match that well with 0815 women. But the autistic single mom I dated at the beginning of the year. We had such a great chemistry. Kind of like my soul mate. Eventually though she ghosted me. I am quite sure she was overburdened with her life. So much things were going on in her life. And she sounded extremely exhausted. I wonder how she is doing. But she made me realize I might fit better to neurodivergent people.

I didn't elaborate that much on the initial question. I think my idealization has become less. I never was in a longterm relationship though. I don't have that much experience to really come to conclusions. Though, dating nowadays really takes a toll on one's well-being.

 

[n1kita_]

I think it depends entirely on the person. It cannot be categorized into a single generalization. For what is worth, the society we live in still puts sex and relationships - and the both of them together - at the top of the social pyramid, which is why for many it ends up becoming a full-time obsession, even as far as taking real ugly shapes if it's not met with what they deem a need. To an extent, we're all pertaining to some niches where we are "more popular" or fit the taste of certain people better. I agree that sometimes dating can feel, socially speaking, like a toll. I personally think there's a huge issue in how we interpret dating and if that appeals to some type of lonely feeling we don't know how to deal with. It reminds me of a friend, who has a set of beliefs that seem pretty firm with the idea that the love for a partner should never be above the love for a friend, but at the same time she's constantly chasing the high of being liked romantically. It makes sense, I think, just makes me a bit upset she can't see how those two cancel the first one out a bit, by being so adamant and critical of monogamy, for example. I just feel we have a huge issue on what it means to truly being alone and not having a person with which to share some stuff with. Which is completely normal, completely animal. But the obsessiveness of it speaks for another factor of the self.

 

[lastappleonearth]

Do people with not that much experience idealize sex and relationships?

I have a very experienced friend and in my opinion I see his behavior critical. He once pretended to be interested in a longterm relationship with a woman and he did this just to have sex with her. I find this really gross. But I also don't know how I can communicate that to him. I have the feeling he has no problem with such a behavior. Honestly, I sort of judge him for that.

I know for people with a lot of experience having sex is part of dating usually. But I think both should be aware of intentions. I really dislike the notion to be so manipulative like him. And all my other friends considered this behavior also as gross.

I have made a lot of bad dating experiences. And some good experiences. I have a friend with literally zero dating experiences and he struggles a lot with that. He often shits on the dating culture. But he has a crush and he doesn*t know her that well. From what I have heard she can be quite a messy person and I am not sure whether he would actually like to live with her.

I have the feeling I often attract manipulative women. And I have dated a woman that cheated on her boyfriend in a horrible way. It is ironic I almost killed myself when she rejected me. Though, when I realized how horrible she acts behind the back of her boyfriend I would never want to be together with her. My friend was quite angry and pointed out it would not have been worth it to kill myself over her. But for me the point was more than there is something categorically wrong with me that makes me unlovable. I realized this is probably not true. I am probably only attrctive to some women. There are some niches where I might be popular. Women who have mental conditions. On dating apps I often think I don't match that well with 0815 women. But the autistic single mom I dated at the beginning of the year. We had such a great chemistry. Kind of like my soul mate. Eventually though she ghosted me. I am quite sure she was overburdened with her life. So much things were going on in her life. And sounded extremely exhausted. I wonder how she is doing. But she made me realize I might fit better to neurodivergent people.

I didn't elaborate that much on the initial question. I think my idealization has become less. I never was in a longterm relationship though. I don't have that muc experience to really come to conclusion. Though, dating nowadays really takes a toll on one's well-being.

Probably, well at least I do

 

[angelblood]

Your friend is using people as a means to an end. They should treat other people with care and not mislead them. It's sad cause I hear alot about people lying and misleading people to "get laid". Honestly it's pathetic.

If you found types of people you get along with better you should maybe lean into that. Do what feels right for you.

Also sorry u got ghosted. It's good that you're considering her circumstances and not just your own feelings. Not everyone does that sadly.

 

[miles-away]

Yes lol

Our society tells us that we'll be "fixed" if we find a wife/husband. We won't be and the process of finding one is a lot more arduous. Being a virgin past the age of 20 is seen as some personal failure and it makes people desperate to lose it.

I was fairly inexperienced due to agoraphobia and didn't lose my virginity till my early twenties. I dated some losers but that's pretty rich coming from me because I was arguably a bigger loser in these relationships. I over-gave and comitted myslf fully to ultimately short term relationships. My first boyfriend was openly not attracted to me and pretty much only dated me because he was a 24 year old virgin. I'm so embarassed by the way I begged for him not to leave me when he inevitably did after 3 months. Fucker even hit with me the "Works sooooo craaaaaazy" after I found out he was texting someone else whilst he was "too tired" to talk to me.

My 2nd boyfriend I actually did love and it broke my heart when he broke up with me. We were friends for a while but I realized I was just waiting around for him to come back and he just wanted to be friends. I forced myself to cut him off. Now, I'm just done. I've had some hookups, some regretable, but I don't really want to dip my toes back into the dating culture. It's been almost a year and I'm enjoying being single...I guess. I have nothing to offer anyways. Focusing on yourself and becoming selfish is really the only way to go.

 

[limenlux]

As someone who has had a moderately active romantic/sexual history, I used to minimize the fixation that less experienced people had with such things. As I've become older and more empathetic, I've realized that trying to minimize a lonely or sexually unfulfilled person's desire for companionship is like trying to minimize a starving person's desire for food.

For what it's worth, I've only had one relationship last more than a year, as I inevitably fell into a depressive episode and simply withdrew from all social contact for extended periods on numerous occasions. I've only been in love once, and I hated it, so when I started experiencing health problems nearly a decade ago and began dropping out of dating, I felt almost nothing and have never become lonely or frustrated to this day.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I definitely used to have a fairytale/ idealised view of being in a relationship. I think reading threads here by people who seem to believe having a romantic partner would fix all their problems tends to suggest that we can put a lot of hopes on that. It likely depends on the person though. I doubt someone who's more asexual or misanthropic cares quite so much.

Speaking personally- feelings can change too (thankfully.) Up until my mid thirties maybe- I so wanted a romantic relationship. Now, I can envisage how badly it (probably) would have turned out- had it happened. I began really appreciating being single the past few years.

Funnily enough, it was a huge crush of mine who told me I'd likely be disappointed by men in reality. He certainly had a negative view towards women and relationships in general.

Witnessing relationships between friends/ family members, I also began to question whether I'd want that. Especially the more negative elements. The bickering, the insecurities, the niggling annoyances. More and more, I realised I wouldn't want those things.

That said- I'm not sure that romantic experience necessarily puts people off. I've known people go through turbulent relationships that didn't put them off finding someone new. Whether that's because they didn't let that spoil their idealised view/ hope, I don't know. I think it more likely they still appreciated the possible good in a relationship.

I tend to think we're all different too. Some of us seem to cope ok alone, while for others, it seems like they always feel there is something missing. I suppose for them, it's maybe more likely they will (debatably) exagerate the positives of having someone in their minds.

 

[_Gollum_]

Yes and no. I was totally inexperienced until age 24. I had wanted a boyfriend all my life so those years with no experience were very painful for me and dating was something I thought about a lot. I spent many, many nights crying in bed alone. Touch starvation in particular was very hard for me. Well, eventually I stumbled upon someone who had the magic combination of a) pitying me and my suicidality, b) having a high sex drive, and c) having zero standards. I had all my firsts with him.

Going from a prolonged period of zero experience to some experience corrected some of my past idealizations, and affirmed some other ones. Namely :

1) Affirmed: physical touch is NOT overrated or idealized by inexperienced people. It is just as good as you think it is, especially naked cuddling

2) Corrected: sex is a more complicated story. Even with someone who treats you well in bed, it can be painful, or neutral, or wonderful. Good sex is something that you have to work at, not something that comes naturally. (I'm not sure to what extent this is the case for guys though, their experience with sex seems to be more uniformly good. As a woman I was not expecting sex to come with so much physical pain, even after the first time. Won't get into it here but there are a whole host of new problems that have come into my life because of sex and often I regret losing my virginity).

3) Corrected: being desired or chosen by someone else won't fix your self-esteem problems if you've had those problems for a long time. Theoretically I have now had the experience of mutual desire, which is something that I wanted for a long time and which I thought would "prove" to me that I was minimally attractive. But as I said, this guy in particular has zero standards so it actually hasn't proven anything. Even if that weren't the case, you can never get into the head of another person, so you can never truly know how they feel about you, whether their desire is real or not. I think in order to have "proof" that you're desirable you need to have observed a pattern, not just one person or even a few people, because people have all sorts of reasons for getting into relationships and the mere fact that they're in a relationship with you is unfortunately not evidence that they actually find you attractive or desire you.

4) Affirmed: having a relationship DOES impact your overall life satisfaction/quality of life. Not for everyone of course. But for most people, it will indeed make their lives better (presuming a certain level of relationship quality). Despite all the many problems I have with this guy, my mood has gone up since we started seeing eachother. So I don't really think inexperienced people are wrong on this count -- I think in most cases it would improve their lives, just maybe not as much as they think.