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smvrtsa

smvrtsa

memento mori
Mar 27, 2019
97
I imploded pretty much everything in my life recently. Ghosted a lot of friends in the past year and I have put in my notice at work.

I thought by doing all this I would feel driven to CTB because I will soon truly have no obligations or attachments to this earth, but now that I know work is ending soon it's like a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel like I'm constantly reminding myself "no you want to die actually!!!" every time I think something optimistic about the future like dating or a new job or going back to school but then like… having to be responsible and actually do the work? Is so unappealing.

It feels like I've romanticized this idea of death for myself for so long that I almost don't remember all the feelings that made me this miserable in the first place? But part of me is clinging on to death even if I'm not sure I actively want it, just because I feel I should want it, and it's easier to die than to try and be self compassionate or be nice to myself, like I truly disgust myself and I find myself a pathetic waste of space.

Feels like I've been stuck in this Limbo forever and I wish I didn't have commitment issues lol! Like damn bitch commit to at least a single thing in your life whether it's living a good life or choosing to die like… at least choose u incompetent pos 😭

Anyone else who's been in a similar boat, who's gone through all the self sabotage and then ended up changing their minds? Advice on starting over? On being behind in life, seeing people around me with solid friend groups and married with children and me being 26 thinking about trying university again…

Much love and thank you for reading, kindred souls.
 
  • Hugs
Reactions: UnwillingSavior, daley and Jiyuurakka
L

LittleJem

Visionary
Jul 3, 2019
2,473
University at 26 sounds a good thing!
 
moeyogosankosappo

moeyogosankosappo

Member
May 15, 2024
11
I imploded pretty much everything in my life recently. Ghosted a lot of friends in the past year and I have put in my notice at work.

I thought by doing all this I would feel driven to CTB because I will soon truly have no obligations or attachments to this earth, but now that I know work is ending soon it's like a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel like I'm constantly reminding myself "no you want to die actually!!!" every time I think something optimistic about the future like dating or a new job or going back to school but then like… having to be responsible and actually do the work? Is so unappealing.

It feels like I've romanticized this idea of death for myself for so long that I almost don't remember all the feelings that made me this miserable in the first place? But part of me is clinging on to death even if I'm not sure I actively want it, just because I feel I should want it, and it's easier to die than to try and be self compassionate or be nice to myself, like I truly disgust myself and I find myself a pathetic waste of space.

Feels like I've been stuck in this Limbo forever and I wish I didn't have commitment issues lol! Like damn bitch commit to at least a single thing in your life whether it's living a good life or choosing to die like… at least choose u incompetent pos 😭

Anyone else who's been in a similar boat, who's gone through all the self sabotage and then ended up changing their minds? Advice on starting over? On being behind in life, seeing people around me with solid friend groups and married with children and me being 26 thinking about trying university again…

Much love and thank you for reading, kindred souls.
youre dont need to feel like you should want to die if u are not. i believe in you, its never late. and university while being 26 is actually a great idea! u should try. i believe in you, and other ppl who read this too. you can do it
 
daley

daley

Member
May 11, 2024
15
I imploded pretty much everything in my life recently. Ghosted a lot of friends in the past year and I have put in my notice at work.

I thought by doing all this I would feel driven to CTB because I will soon truly have no obligations or attachments to this earth, but now that I know work is ending soon it's like a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel like I'm constantly reminding myself "no you want to die actually!!!" every time I think something optimistic about the future like dating or a new job or going back to school but then like… having to be responsible and actually do the work? Is so unappealing.

It feels like I've romanticized this idea of death for myself for so long that I almost don't remember all the feelings that made me this miserable in the first place? But part of me is clinging on to death even if I'm not sure I actively want it, just because I feel I should want it, and it's easier to die than to try and be self compassionate or be nice to myself, like I truly disgust myself and I find myself a pathetic waste of space.

Feels like I've been stuck in this Limbo forever and I wish I didn't have commitment issues lol! Like damn bitch commit to at least a single thing in your life whether it's living a good life or choosing to die like… at least choose u incompetent pos 😭

Anyone else who's been in a similar boat, who's gone through all the self sabotage and then ended up changing their minds? Advice on starting over? On being behind in life, seeing people around me with solid friend groups and married with children and me being 26 thinking about trying university again…

Much love and thank you for reading, kindred souls.

Sorry to read about your spiraling down.

I haven't sabotaged my life much, but I have grappled with the meaning of living while being suicidal. What I have come up with for myself, is to separate the two issues. What I mean is - as long as I am alive, I try to live the best life I can, improving my situation step by step. That in itself does not negate the fact that I can CTB at any time.

It's like I want to make the two options I have (life or death) to be the best that they can. I can improve my life as much as I can, and also at the same time have the best CTB option.

I am not sure that separating is easy, but that is what I found has worked for me.

As for advice on starting over, just do one baby step at time. On being behind in life... behind who? Why do you have to care about where other people are in life? There will always be people who are better off and worse off than you. You are still very young, you can do anything. You can go back to university or not.

So, thats what I got...

Take care
 
UnwillingSavior

UnwillingSavior

Mr. Self Destruct
Nov 2, 2023
111
Yeah this is me right now. Exactly a week before my ctb date I broke up with my long term partner. That should have sent me over the edge but I'm still here two months later.

Things have surprisingly been getting slightly better and even though I failed a class this semester I feel... better? Wtf? I planned my ctb for like half a year so what the hell is up with me? All of a sudden I'm trying! Am I doing this for nothing? So lost right now too...
 

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