Discussion Do I ever want to get better?

[CravingPeace]

This is something I'm currently battling with. The majority of current my life problems are actually fixable, or at least able to be lessened in severity, if I just had the willpower to take positive action.

But I am unable to take these actions. When faced with an opportunity to do the right thing, it's almost like I dissociate thru the decision making process and choose the opposite action, or usually, inaction.

This leaves me unable to fix my life for the better. I know it is ME who is choosing not to put in the work, but in my mind it feels like I am not in control.

Anyone else have experiences like this?

 

[Michi_Violeta]

I do, mentioned it on a thread the other day, but I made the mistake of confusing it with survival instinct so the conversation went elsewhere. I know my life can be fixed, but I ran out of willpower and now that I'm again in an extremely painful situation, one in which I'm emotionally devastated like I never had been, I'm giving up on making decisions that will help me recover because I think ctb is the better choice

I know it's me, but it's also the life hand dealt me. I used to have the motivation and the willpower to overcome anything. My first ex leaving me for someone else after five years together, a bachelor's I no longer enjoyed, two broken engines and several mishaps at the racetrack, a good couple of failed situationships which I confused with love, a disappointing master's degree in another country. I always had the willpower to get back up and give life another chance. Now, after 2024 and what happened with my ex, I no longer want to.

This leaves me everyday with a conflict in my head. There is a voice telling me that I can get better, that I can move on, but there's another one that tells this first voice to shut the fuck up because it's her who lead me to this situation: I have reasons to give up, I have given life and myself plenty of chances. No dice. No love. Broken heart, broken car, broken dreams. Broken me. I don't want to die, but I don't want to keep going, so I'll soldier on the ctb route and get more pills this week.

 

[CravingPeace]

I do, mentioned it on a thread the other day, but I made the mistake of confusing it with survival instinct so the conversation went elsewhere. I know my life can be fixed, but I ran out of willpower and now that I'm again in an extremely painful situation, one in which I'm emotionally devastated like I never had been, I'm giving up on making decisions that will help me recover because I think ctb is the better choice

I know it's me, but it's also the life hand dealt me. I used to have the motivation and the willpower to overcome anything. My first ex leaving me for someone else after five years together, a bachelor's I no longer enjoyed, two broken engines and several mishaps at the racetrack, a good couple of failed situationships which I confused with love, a disappointing master's degree in another country. I always had the willpower to get back up and give life another chance. Now, after 2024 and what happened with my ex, I no longer want to.

This leaves me everyday with a conflict in my head. There is a voice telling me that I can get better, that I can move on, but there's another one that tells this first voice to shut the fuck up because it's her who lead me to this situation: I have reasons to give up, I have given life and myself plenty of chances. No dice. No love. Broken heart, broken car, broken dreams. Broken me. I don't want to die, but I don't want to keep going, so I'll soldier on the ctb route and get more pills this week.

You and I are the same. I have accomplished so much in my life up until this point. But it's not enough for me - yet my mind refuses to change the negative things.

It's honestly a form of self-harm, and it drives me insane every day. Why can't I do the right thing? I used to have the motivation too, but after a gauntlet of setbacks and trying to climb myself out of the hole I've dug, I am exhausted and the motivation for change has disappeared.

 

[Michi_Violeta]

You and I are the same. I have accomplished so much in my life up until this point. But it's not enough for me - yet my mind refuses to change the negative things.

It's honestly a form of self-harm, and it drives me insane every day. Why can't I do the right thing? I used to have the motivation too, but after a gauntlet of setbacks and trying to climb myself out of the hole I've dug, I am exhausted and the motivation for change has disappeared.

We are indeed the same, regardless of where you are or your gender or your circumstances. Honestly, there's nothing I can tell you, I will lose regardless of which voice wins the battle inside my head and I know there's nothing someone else can say that will make that motivation magically appear. If you still have a little hope and things aren't THAT bleak now, maybe you can wait things out for a bit, hoping for a miracle, trying the little things your willpower allows you to do. But I'm still processing a recent event that made me lose that last little bit of hope so even if my survival instinct is still there, my will power is lower than ever...

Feel free to reach out via DM whenever you want to talk or just vent.

 

[Namelesa]

Honestly for myself, I don't want to get better as I don't see how recovering would be better than suicide. I just don't want to suffer and with death that can be achieved as I can't feel anything in non-existence when if I continue with life its unknown whether I will get better and even if I do I will still suffer to a degree. I only see a point to getting better is to provide others still alive with something I can only uniquely do such as with my game development, not for my own interests.

 

[CravingPeace]

Honestly for myself, I don't want to get better as I don't see how recovering would be better than suicide. I just don't want to suffer and with death that can be achieved as I can't feel anything in non-existence when if I continue with life its unknown whether I will get better and even if I do I will still suffer to a degree. I only see a point to getting better is to provide others still alive with something I can only uniquely do such as with my game development, not for my own interests.

I feel that. Like, there isn't anything that I am excited to experience or accomplish in the future. Nothing is appealing to me anymore, which is why the motivation is scarce.