Distrust of kindness

[Cloud Busting]

By all means, I've been described as a kind person. I'd gladly take the shirt off my back if I could. I live for others. I don't even understand what living for or valuing myself means.

Yet when people are nice to me, I assume some kind of ulterior motive. They're doing it for an ego boost- to look and/or feel like a good person- not because they care. They have an expectation or want some sort of favor. They'll hurt me eventually.

I almost prefer abuse to kindness (towards myself, not to others.) maybe I feel I'm undeserving?

I'd like to overcome this as I feel it impedes me a lot.

I don't know. Any practical tips or armchair diagnoses?

 

[U. A.]

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[Pluto]

 

[Cloud Busting]

[Hidden content]

What you wrote was perfectly coherent! Thanks for sharing.

The problem is my behavior has led to self sabotaging, missed opportunities, and seeing malicious intent that isn't actually there. I think it's good to be cautious but I don't know how to steer clear of paranoid territory.

I understand some people who cause harm have good intentions and don't mean to but the impact isn't good either. I'd argue the impact has more weight personally.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm assuming you feel this because of negative past experiences? I suspect that's usually how we learn to distrust- because it's safer.

I suppose ultimately, it is kind of safer too in a way. I try really hard not to rely on people now or, place expectations on them.

I don't think it necessarily means you need to think distrustfully of them in a bad way necessarily though. Not in terms of- they'll disappoint me because they dislike me or, they're trying to exploit me. I just think lots of people are flakey.

It can be disappointing but, we may prioritise them more than they would us so- there's that. Maybe they are genuinely wanting to be nice but, more like a fair weather friend. Not so much offering a friendship with substance. So- maybe that could be part of it. You hoping the friendship offered will be deeper than it actually is.

I imagine most exchanges in life are friendly though. I'm not so sure that's unusual as such. Quite often, we approach people because we do want something too. And, a friendly approach is more likely to end favourably. If it's friendship though- people have varying amounts to give I suppose. Maybe it's more about thinking about what you ideally want from people too and how likely it is they are after the same.

I'm not really one for a whole lot of fair weather friends so- I'll be polite and chat to someone who strikes up a conversation but- it's unlikely I'll be expecting more of them or, expecting them to expect more of me. So- maybe some of it is how much you're committing to something when they're not.

There again- maybe you are one of those exceptionally kind people that always end up getting treated like a mug. In which case- maybe you need to learn to politely say 'no' early on- when the favours start being requested. I've known really lovely people who just let themselves be used. I think sometimes, we need to work on maintaining our boundaries and stopping people taking the piss.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

You don't need a diagnosis or a cure. You're just honestly seeing reality. I have never had anyone be kind to me without an ulterior motive eventually becoming obvious.