CrowsFeather
Member
- Aug 13, 2026
- 44
I have tried a lot of different things in my life to feel better and have gone down some pretty weird rabbit holes, lol.
Recently I gained the ability to meditate. Couldn't do it before because I always used to be too antsy and unfocused. But then I had a pretty intense experience where I... Well, people would call it an ego death, but idk if it fully counts as such.
Whatever the case, since then I can actually sit down and focus.
It's not the relaxing kind of meditation that's around everywhere, with soothing music and trees in the back and stuff. No, instead I'm travelling inward and deconstruct my own self to find the observer. That part of me that still exists, even when I lost my name, my past and even my ability to understand words. And yet, some part still persisted.
Some might know this from Buddhism or Advaita Vedanta, but you really don't need to know any of these.
The reason I try to go back to that space where only my consciousness exists, without properties, time or anything, is because it's the first time in my life I really felt peace. True inner quiet and peacefulness.
It doesn't always work. Some days my mind is still too busy and most days I can't do it for more than twenty minutes. But when I do get in the right headspace it just gets really quiet and calm. Sometimes I then start seeing veeeery faint geometric patterns (it's has a name, but I forgot), or faint lights moving around my eye lids.
Its not much. But it's a short break from "being someone" to "just being".
That's all. I'll keep practising and maybe I'll one day get to a deeper space that is as peaceful as death itself. Going there on demand sounds just too good not to try.
Recently I gained the ability to meditate. Couldn't do it before because I always used to be too antsy and unfocused. But then I had a pretty intense experience where I... Well, people would call it an ego death, but idk if it fully counts as such.
Whatever the case, since then I can actually sit down and focus.
It's not the relaxing kind of meditation that's around everywhere, with soothing music and trees in the back and stuff. No, instead I'm travelling inward and deconstruct my own self to find the observer. That part of me that still exists, even when I lost my name, my past and even my ability to understand words. And yet, some part still persisted.
Some might know this from Buddhism or Advaita Vedanta, but you really don't need to know any of these.
The reason I try to go back to that space where only my consciousness exists, without properties, time or anything, is because it's the first time in my life I really felt peace. True inner quiet and peacefulness.
It doesn't always work. Some days my mind is still too busy and most days I can't do it for more than twenty minutes. But when I do get in the right headspace it just gets really quiet and calm. Sometimes I then start seeing veeeery faint geometric patterns (it's has a name, but I forgot), or faint lights moving around my eye lids.
Its not much. But it's a short break from "being someone" to "just being".
That's all. I'll keep practising and maybe I'll one day get to a deeper space that is as peaceful as death itself. Going there on demand sounds just too good not to try.
There is an awesome app called "Insight Timer" (also available online). It's based in Australia, but there are therapists, counsellors and guides from all around the world. It's mainly English but also comes in a bazillion other languages. There is a lot of free stuff, and membership is quite reasonable. They offer practically every kind of meditation and self-improvement practice available. They also have poetry, prayers, talks and music, but their main focus is meditations. Here is their website...
