Venting disappointment

[Lavínia]

my last attempt failed. I've lost some movement in my hands, I can't close them completely, I can't feel my pinky or ring finger. I lost my job. I drove my mother crazy, worse than she ever was, my sister won't look at me anymore. My friends had mixed reactions, most of whom I'd already abandoned. They tried to talk to me again, but I felt disdain, disgust, or discomfort. My coworkers... I can't reply to their messages, I hope I never see them again so I don't feel ashamed, but I'm still here. I don't know what I'm ashamed of, but I feel like my life is over. I've destroyed everything now, everything. My mother and sister are having to work double time now, I still had a mortgage on the apartment I was paying off, and now I can't anymore. I stay in my bed, tossing and turning. I haven't had any crises lately, but an emptiness keeps growing. This doesn't feel like my home anymore. This body doesn't feel like mine, it doesn't make sense. Is this really my mother? Is this her voice and manner? When and where. I keep thinking, feeling this emptiness and disconnection. I feel like if I stop feeling this for a moment, I'll go completely crazy. Try to rip my throat out with my nails or something. So I just think, and stare at the ceiling. Now I have more benzos, visits to the psychiatrist and therapist twice a week. I can't cook anymore, I can't wash the dishes. I've become a child, who eats, stays still, and sleeps. Maybe I died, this isn't life, this is something else. I can't read, writing is difficult, I think, I've been thinking more. I want to die.