flutt3rshy
if only I could sustain my anger
- Oct 22, 2023
- 10
i'm currently doing stationary dbt and i've been catching myself mentally planning my suicide again, trying to think of how i wanna go about it once i'm out of here. i'm already planning my relapse five weeks in advance. i don't think any of this is working. i'm very open to therapy and i'm doing everything they tell me supposedly works. but in the end nothing's changing, really. i'm getting really tired again, i dont have the energy to keep going with this. it's just so much effort, i would rather just get worse again.
i feel like, if I want to stay alive, i'd at least have to run away and disappear, cutting the contact to everyone i know now. but my partner would have to come with me, i can't handle life without him.
then again, it wouldn't really change much, huh?
my partner and i both suffer from bpd. he's done 10 weeks of dbt already and wants to go for another round soon.
i'm definitely the less stable one in the relationship. sometimes i wish he'd also get worse, so we could just take our lives together. i can't leave him, it would scar him for life and he would never be able to move on from my death, i know it. so my ultimate dream would be to commit double suicide, so we can both just leave together.
once i'm out of here, i know i will start cutting again. i know i will indulge in my impulses again. it's not that i don't want to get better, i do. it just seems impossible. i think i'm destined to kill myself, so that the people around me can maybe learn something.
my death would make a lot of things a lot easier for a lot of people.
i feel like, if I want to stay alive, i'd at least have to run away and disappear, cutting the contact to everyone i know now. but my partner would have to come with me, i can't handle life without him.
then again, it wouldn't really change much, huh?
my partner and i both suffer from bpd. he's done 10 weeks of dbt already and wants to go for another round soon.
i'm definitely the less stable one in the relationship. sometimes i wish he'd also get worse, so we could just take our lives together. i can't leave him, it would scar him for life and he would never be able to move on from my death, i know it. so my ultimate dream would be to commit double suicide, so we can both just leave together.
once i'm out of here, i know i will start cutting again. i know i will indulge in my impulses again. it's not that i don't want to get better, i do. it just seems impossible. i think i'm destined to kill myself, so that the people around me can maybe learn something.
my death would make a lot of things a lot easier for a lot of people.
