Did you ever think you’d get to this point ?

[WhiteRabbit]

I've always felt like I might off myself when I was older and my health started failing. I just didn't think it would start failing so soon.

 

[Al_stargate]

Never could have imagined this. Went from happy as can be too miserable practically overnight. I can't believe I'm at this point contemplating this shit.

 

[ClownMe]

I naively thought that things would slowly turn around once I hit adulthood, obviously it hasnt.

 

[jimmy7754]

Ctb is hard as f***

 

[hopelessdreams]

I think some thinks happen for a reason, yes. But I didn't think in a million years I would be wanting to end my life. I guess all these past years, I have been hiding my trauma as a survival mechanism, and feeling happy. But lately everything that used to bring me happiness such as academic succes and friendships have been feeling empty and hole.

 

[Siterfau]

Nope. It's doubly funny/sad because I've been here before, six or seven years ago, but things got better for a few years, only for it to get worse last year.

 

[jawdropped123]

I thought moving out would make things better but it didnt. I thought going to therapy would make me feel better it doesnt. We cant control everything in this life

 

[downndone2]

Never in a million fucking yrs as I truly had an amazing life. But I literally came in like a wrecking ball and ruined my life several yrs ago. The story is so long and fucked. I ended up losing my marriage, myself, most my friends, and life savings over about 6 months time. I'm so embarrassed by the way I acted and the things I did that I never leave the house anymore because I fear running into someone I know. Luckily I have a job working from home. I literally work and lay around the majority of the time. I'm so depressed and anxious. I now hate my life and dont see anything taking these demons away

 

[MatthewV3]

Honestly - no. But there's always been this tought on my mind that I just don't belong to this world. My first suicidal thoughts started when I was 16. I always knew that I'm prepared to have an adult life. Now I'm 22 and I'm here.

 

[ineedtoctb]

Ctb is hard as f***

You can say that again ! If only it were that easy.

Never could have imagined this. Went from happy as can be too miserable practically overnight. I can't believe I'm at this point contemplating this shit.

Life has a way of throwing us the craziest curve balls. Just Last year I was as happy as can be now that I've lost everything, life will never be the same. It's like the universe takes pleasure in seeing me suffer

Honestly - no. But there's always been this tought on my mind that I just don't belong to this world. My first suicidal thoughts started when I was 16. I always knew that I'm prepared to have an adult life. Now I'm 22 and I'm here.

You're still young enough to turn things around for the better

Never in a million fucking yrs as I truly had an amazing life. But I literally came in like a wrecking ball and ruined my life several yrs ago. The story is so long and fucked. I ended up losing my marriage, myself, most my friends, and life savings over about 6 months time. I'm so embarrassed by the way I acted and the things I did that I never leave the house anymore because I fear running into someone I know. Luckily I have a job working from home. I literally work and lay around the majority of the time. I'm so depressed and anxious. I now hate my life and dont see anything taking these demons away

Life can be going so well and in an instant it changes to the point where we see no return. I'm sorry you're going through these trials in your life. Losing it all is never easy when you're faced with having to deal with it and rebuild. I completely empathize with your story and hope one day you can find peace and comfort in the midst of the chaos.

 

[Someday_Somehow32]

No, younger me would be disappointed. They thought we had so many friends (we didn't not), that we were great at art and writing (we hardly are now)

 

[ShanaRei]

No. I realize how naive I was in my younger days and how much I took for granted. How many poor choices I made. I just wanted friends, a home, actually fulfilling my dreams. Instead ended up lonely, in a broken unstable environment, and unhappy with severe mental health issues.

 

[Personality Zero]

My child self would be horrified at what I've become. My mind went to shit as a teenager, and I developed a deep self hatred which wasn't warranted. But now I have legitimate reasons to hate myself. So I kind of became a self fulfilling prophecy. I made some terrible life choices in the subsequent years which has led me to here. The shame of what I've become is unbearable

 

[Ineedtodie]

In retrospect, thinking from my childhood to this day life have always been unfair and traumatic. My first attempt was at 21 years old, took 2 hours bus to drown myself in the sea. I wish I had ended it just there.
Life only spiralled to a cruel nightmare.I owe it to myself to end it now.

 

[niiina]

My suicide thoughts started at a very early age when I was still a child, it always stayed by my side so it's not a big surprise I'm here

 

[TydalWave]

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason and that you would end up on this forum looking for ways to end it all?

I sure hope not. I think I would rather just be an outlier that got screwed by the randomness and chaos that the universe exudes. I would rather have been a mistake that was never supposed to happen. I would rather be a fuck up who is guilty for his own suffering, because at least then I would know that this was my fault and that there were good intentions for my life as opposed to just being part of some bigger script that was always meant to happen.

If everything happens for a reason then whatever being wrote this script up has a real morbid taste for suffering. The thought of this all being by design is scary to me as I near closer to CTB. I am afraid of leaving this world and seeing what if anything designed this. Most of all, I am afraid of being cast back in, without any memories of the suffering I endured, only to go through it all again and again for eternity.

Sorry for getting so dark.

 

[BipolarExpress]

I've had suicidal thoughts since I was eleven, so... I don't think I'd be surprised to see myself here. (In fact, I'd probably be surprised that I made it to my 30s without doing it!)

 

[lav3nder]

Do you believe that everything happens for a reason and that you would end up on this forum looking for ways to end it all?

From a young age - around 15/16 I felt like I was going to take my life at some point. That I was meant to be here for however long to bring light to those I get into contact with (bc I mask pretty well and don't want others to feel this way) but eventually not be here anymore, because it's been pretty hard to exist. My mum had MH difficulties herself exacerbated by family members, until she unfortunately passed. Can't recall a time where I've been content or happy with life. However - I did not think I would end up on a forum lol but here we are…

 

[manukahoney]

This is the first forum I have ever engaged in - I never anticipated that I would be in this position, but in hindsight, I always knew there was something terribly wrong with me. I survived by finding ways to hide myself from myself and others. My sense of self has always been chronically fragile - that I made it to 29, and was able to work, have relationships (although tenuous) and pretend to have some semblance of a life up until recently confuses me somewhat. I can see now though how, what I look like, my awareness of others, and curated isolation enabled me to function to a much higher level than I was ever actually capable of.

I am sorry for us all - although everyone's experience is their own, there is no language that can transmit the experience of knowing that you can no longer exist. I am fully aware of my unchangeable traits and incapabilities, which is ultimately how I ended up here.

I think everything that happens is predicated on what came before and I think it is apart of vast web of connections that are supposed to occur for a larger reason that is beyond our capacity to comprehend - I think this is evident in contemplating the very perfect existence of life and all the observations and explanations in science we continue to make.

 

[Dark Moon]

Yes, I started being suicidal at 13 after having issues at school and life just isn't for an autistic person like me. Most people probably hate me and I don't like most people either.

 

[jodie]

Since I started having something worth staying for after almost 20 years of thinking and dreaming about ctb-ing, I've known it could come to this, I've known I could loose it but I was stupid enough to hope it would somehow work, that by some miracle somehow I would avoid the crap that's happening now. It's all still hanging in the balance whether the person who means the world to me leaves me or not and I was still not able to kill all of that b*tch hope... Most of it - yeah, but there is unfortunately still a tiny bit left. What I learnt for sure is how I mean nothing, don't matter at all to this person and this probably cannot be undone so probably still I've already gotten to the point which I was dreading but stupidly hoping not to reach.

 

[nochu]

i've always had thoughts of ctb but i didn't think it would get to this point.... but i didn't think i'd ever get ill either