Since my time is short, I'd like to keep somewhat of a diary of the next couple weeks. If this irritates you, or brings bad memories let me know.
Today is Sunday, May 4, 2025. I've been alive almost 64 years. Every day I wish she had the abortion she so wanted. It would have saved me so much pain and heartache. I've never been loved. It just never happened - not because I didn't try. I've been a chameleon my entire life. I have no clue who I am. I'll be leaving on May 23 to travel cross country to sit at the beach for the last time - to smell the salt water of the ocean, to see the birds flying around and to find my peace before I go. I've thought long and hard about my decision. Every time I thought about ctb, a sliver of hope came across. Now, there is no hope (long long story - boring and I'm sure no one wants to hear it). I've been through hell in my life - mother who hated me - absent father (he didn't like the mother either lol) - I've been raped by someone who I thought was a friend - I've loved people who pretended to love me to get what they wanted (money, etc.). I married a man who I thought loved me and cared about my child. He later murdered her and walked away scot free. the shit just kept coming. I kept trying thinking something good would happen to me. It never did. Now I'm old and my life has come to an end. I would have loved to be a mother and a grandma - what a joy that would have been! But I'm alone I will die alone just as I lived - alone. I'm looking forward to leaving. I don't give a shit about anything anymore. No one can ever hurt me gain. My plan is to see my child - to hug her and never let go.
Today is Sunday, May 4, 2025. I've been alive almost 64 years. Every day I wish she had the abortion she so wanted. It would have saved me so much pain and heartache. I've never been loved. It just never happened - not because I didn't try. I've been a chameleon my entire life. I have no clue who I am. I'll be leaving on May 23 to travel cross country to sit at the beach for the last time - to smell the salt water of the ocean, to see the birds flying around and to find my peace before I go. I've thought long and hard about my decision. Every time I thought about ctb, a sliver of hope came across. Now, there is no hope (long long story - boring and I'm sure no one wants to hear it). I've been through hell in my life - mother who hated me - absent father (he didn't like the mother either lol) - I've been raped by someone who I thought was a friend - I've loved people who pretended to love me to get what they wanted (money, etc.). I married a man who I thought loved me and cared about my child. He later murdered her and walked away scot free. the shit just kept coming. I kept trying thinking something good would happen to me. It never did. Now I'm old and my life has come to an end. I would have loved to be a mother and a grandma - what a joy that would have been! But I'm alone I will die alone just as I lived - alone. I'm looking forward to leaving. I don't give a shit about anything anymore. No one can ever hurt me gain. My plan is to see my child - to hug her and never let go.
