I didn't do anything these past few weeks. I'm a first-year college student right now, halfway through my second semester. The college I'm in still has online classes since there is a recent surge of COVID cases. I stopped doing any of my requirements after around a month and a half. All of what I do now is staring at the ceiling or trying to make music mindlessly. I'd distract myself with a lot of things, either mindless scrolling in social media, eating, or listening to music.
There was no real point to be stuck in my room doing requirements, as if I could pretend that there was someone looking at me, expecting something out of me. I eventually realized that I didn't have anything worth fighting for in doing all of these as a student. I also realized it wasn't worth it to bring out my most negative emotions just to get through it. Studying, getting a career, giving back doesn't matter much to me now.
Eventually, I would end up cramming about 35% of my grade for a chemistry course in two days. I didn't do any of it in the past two months that I could have done it, and no one was there to motivate me. I'd get a zero in two of tests there, because I slept through them. Like I said, I didn't want to do it anymore. After that, I didn't do any of my requirements for any subject. It felt inconsistent to drop one because I couldn't do it anymore. If that was the case, why not just drop all of them?
I'm here now, having not done any of those yet after a month and a half. I expected a professor or two to reach out within the first three weeks that I stopped doing my requirements, but nobody really messaged. I recall a lot of professors at the start of the course saying something along the lines of "if you don't do any of these, it's your own responsibility." It's true, of course. College is supposed to make you proactive and accountable over what you're doing. But at the same time, its professors must guide you through it one way or another. To the extent that they do it, I don't really know.
I just realized that maybe my well being doesn't matter to them as much as ignoring my requirements matters to me because I want to kill myself.
That's fair I think. The other alternative would be that they dealt with cases like me before, and to deal with another one like me would just be too much for them. Something about self-preservation, I guess.
Either way, I'm here now. More suicidal and isolated than ever. No one of my friends are reaching out anymore, because they must focus on their own studies. My family would remark how it seems like I'm doing nothing sometimes, but I just ignore it because they don't matter much to me anymore.
Every day is closer.
There's something to be said about how the pandemic has greatly destroyed education systems around the world. Literacy rates are down. Online cheating is rampant. I mean, I do it. No one looks to school culture anymore to cultivate themselves, and the people who can still cultivate themselves just look desperate. Not to mention the brunt the teachers had to take to adapt their classroom settings online. They had to deal with managing the crises most school admins couldn't fix themselves. Even if everyone is trying hard, it will never work the way it did before the pandemic again.
But more specifically, there's something about the classroom setting. Everyone is stimulated to learn and engage with any learned topic. There is a quantitative incentive to continue being stimulated by these pieces of information better. More so, there are sociocultural identities within schools that are pursued by its students and faculty. There are so many pieces in place to distract with yourself, that there's no reason to question what these prescribed vocations mean to you in a truly fundamental matter.
The same can be said for any other collective institution in society. Workplaces, restaurants, public places, courts, stadiums. It is always just stimulating enough that it's hard to find the space and willpower to decide what any act should mean to you. Perhaps it was easier before, where there was much less of an information zeitgeist all around.
But now, it's as if you're supposed to be confused. And if you fix that confusion, there would be no place for you, because nothing can stimulate you in a way that matters the consensus of any societal form of stimulation.
The notion of identity will only become more complex as the years will come. There will be less people which can catch up to this demand of identity amongst increasing amounts of information. But one thing will always be the same. Suffering. Despair. To neglect everything of the world because it is hated. There is no complexity in hatred. It matters not what you hate. It only matters how you detach from it. It only matters how you free yourself from the world.
Suicide is a long-standing reaction. What we have now will only catalyze into something more.
Suicide is entropy. Suicide is the final change. Suicide is finality.
There was no real point to be stuck in my room doing requirements, as if I could pretend that there was someone looking at me, expecting something out of me. I eventually realized that I didn't have anything worth fighting for in doing all of these as a student. I also realized it wasn't worth it to bring out my most negative emotions just to get through it. Studying, getting a career, giving back doesn't matter much to me now.
Eventually, I would end up cramming about 35% of my grade for a chemistry course in two days. I didn't do any of it in the past two months that I could have done it, and no one was there to motivate me. I'd get a zero in two of tests there, because I slept through them. Like I said, I didn't want to do it anymore. After that, I didn't do any of my requirements for any subject. It felt inconsistent to drop one because I couldn't do it anymore. If that was the case, why not just drop all of them?
I'm here now, having not done any of those yet after a month and a half. I expected a professor or two to reach out within the first three weeks that I stopped doing my requirements, but nobody really messaged. I recall a lot of professors at the start of the course saying something along the lines of "if you don't do any of these, it's your own responsibility." It's true, of course. College is supposed to make you proactive and accountable over what you're doing. But at the same time, its professors must guide you through it one way or another. To the extent that they do it, I don't really know.
I just realized that maybe my well being doesn't matter to them as much as ignoring my requirements matters to me because I want to kill myself.
That's fair I think. The other alternative would be that they dealt with cases like me before, and to deal with another one like me would just be too much for them. Something about self-preservation, I guess.
Either way, I'm here now. More suicidal and isolated than ever. No one of my friends are reaching out anymore, because they must focus on their own studies. My family would remark how it seems like I'm doing nothing sometimes, but I just ignore it because they don't matter much to me anymore.
Every day is closer.
There's something to be said about how the pandemic has greatly destroyed education systems around the world. Literacy rates are down. Online cheating is rampant. I mean, I do it. No one looks to school culture anymore to cultivate themselves, and the people who can still cultivate themselves just look desperate. Not to mention the brunt the teachers had to take to adapt their classroom settings online. They had to deal with managing the crises most school admins couldn't fix themselves. Even if everyone is trying hard, it will never work the way it did before the pandemic again.
But more specifically, there's something about the classroom setting. Everyone is stimulated to learn and engage with any learned topic. There is a quantitative incentive to continue being stimulated by these pieces of information better. More so, there are sociocultural identities within schools that are pursued by its students and faculty. There are so many pieces in place to distract with yourself, that there's no reason to question what these prescribed vocations mean to you in a truly fundamental matter.
The same can be said for any other collective institution in society. Workplaces, restaurants, public places, courts, stadiums. It is always just stimulating enough that it's hard to find the space and willpower to decide what any act should mean to you. Perhaps it was easier before, where there was much less of an information zeitgeist all around.
But now, it's as if you're supposed to be confused. And if you fix that confusion, there would be no place for you, because nothing can stimulate you in a way that matters the consensus of any societal form of stimulation.
The notion of identity will only become more complex as the years will come. There will be less people which can catch up to this demand of identity amongst increasing amounts of information. But one thing will always be the same. Suffering. Despair. To neglect everything of the world because it is hated. There is no complexity in hatred. It matters not what you hate. It only matters how you detach from it. It only matters how you free yourself from the world.
Suicide is a long-standing reaction. What we have now will only catalyze into something more.
Suicide is entropy. Suicide is the final change. Suicide is finality.
