Venting Desperation

[Jealous Blackheart]

I reek of it. Do you think that's why Death keeps avoiding me? Like a clingy ex, I wish Nothingness would take me back already. The Nothing that existed before I was born. I've begged, I've played aloof, I've been patient, but it won't answer my calls. I know I don't look it. The people around me don't see it. I don't show it. But I feel it. I'm so desperate. So desperate and needy. The dark embrace. That black kiss. It's all I've wanted for so long. It aches.

I wish I'd found this site sooner. It could have saved me from so many things. When I first found this place it reminded me instantly of Trough-The-Light, a fictional website from one of my favorite books. The title of the book is now my signature. In the book it is the perfect suicide forum. In the real world it is a pro life disappointment. Was. It seems to be gone now. Expired domain. I wish I could trade places.
My fortune was that I found this site after the noise. Now that you can no longer buy what seems to be one of the best methods right off of the most popular e-commerce site. Now that there are laws that exist to rob us of a peaceful goodbye because people think you can legislate bad parenting away. If I found this site earlier this year my body could have been rotting in the dirt today. And I would have been free.

Today wasn't a good day. I'm suicidal every day but today was not a good day. Sourcing SN is proving difficult for me. I did find a site that seems to be based somewhere in the East selling for such a low price I can't help but question whether it is actually the % they claim or not. But then the shipping makes up for the low cost by being several times the cost of the product, which won't matter in the end. It's not like I'm saving for retirement. But then I can't ship it to my address so I need to have someone collect it for me without them knowing what I intend to use it for.

I just can't shake that if I can't find SN I'm going to try again, using another painful and violent method of questionable lethality. I can't keep this up. I can't stay here. The only thing these restrictions do is make it more painful for me and more traumatizing to whoever needs to find me, but I'm never going to stop trying. I'm so desperate.

 

[Jealous Blackheart]

Unsavory update: After doing some more research I just learned that SN is a schedule 1 toxic industrial chemical in my country which means you need a license to import it. It's no longer an option for me. I feel so defeated...

 

[nicotine_goblin]

Unsavory update: After doing some more research I just learned that SN is a schedule 1 toxic industrial chemical in my country which means you need a license to import it. It's no longer an option for me. I feel so defeated...

I'm sorry that you're suicidal and even that is proving difficult due to laws. Ctb is unfairly difficult. I hope you manage to find peace some day soon one way or the other

 

[FuneralCry]

It certainly is so inhumane how it's purposely made so difficult to die, it just leads to more suffering. I hate how we exist in a society where suicide isn't accepted as a valid option despite the fact that for many the only relief lies in death, it's certainly understandable just wishing to be free, I've personally only ever wished for nothingness.

 

[Jealous Blackheart]

It certainly is so inhumane how it's purposely made so difficult to die, it just leads to more suffering. I hate how we exist in a society where suicide isn't accepted as a valid option despite the fact that for many the only relief lies in death, it's certainly understandable just wishing to be free, I've personally only ever wished for nothingness.

You're really popular on here. From the day I made my account I've seen you around. We don't always agree on every post but on this you and I are the same. I feel for you. Living with the thoughts you do and having no way out. I get it.

I haven't had anything to eat or drink in over 24 hours. I haven't had an appetite since realizing how stuck I am. Now I'm thinking maybe I can just VSED. I would have wanted to have a last meal if I knew I was going to go with this method but if I can hold out for a week I'd rather not set myself back another day since it takes so long.