Desperate to end this

[headspin]

Don't feel shame. Its not your fault. I hope you take time to figure out your next step. Are u getting help? You were functional before,maybe u can be again.
Buy I wish u relief from your suffering, whatever way you go!

Thank you. I see a therapist ( though every week it feels like I am repeating myself, I don't really feel its helping....and everything he says, I think "its his job to say that"....) . I have a psych doc who has me on 5 meds at this point. I wonder if I am over-medicated but I feel scared to change anything. Earlier major depressions I was younger, I still had people and a home and things that felt like they would feel okay again, I believed in it. Now I am older and tired. Its all so much. I don't see a future. The end of my marriage is so painful, Not seeing my son for a year now, fills me with shame and regret and deep sadness for having failed him. Knowing my husband and him have moved on just fine without me, that my husband told me life is better for him now that I am gone....I have lost all my friends. I have nothing but my physical body, which is hurting, even physically now. I want forever relief. I wish I could give my life to someone who lost theirs but wanted to live.

 

[OneTime]

Hey Headspin.......... ive been wondering how you were doing??????? Are You O.K??????

 

[headspin]

Hey Headspin.......... ive been wondering how you were doing??????? Are You O.K??????

Thanks for asking. I am in so much mental pain. Not just from my mental health issues, but from knowing my husband and son have just moved on without me, even said he is doing so much better with me gone. I can't stop thinking about how I could have prevented my last episode. I think I drove myself crazy with stress. I wish I could rewind and know somehow to avoid the triggers. I have ruined my life. It hurts so deeply. I can't stop thinking about the trauma of being in jail, being forced into the hospital by my husband. The trauma of the state hospital. The stigma. It had been 10 years since my last manic episode. So long I convinced myself I was ok. They had to be just blips. I am convinced my husband just doesn't want to be with someone who is crazy. We had 15 years together. I don't know how to live without him. I had become so dependent. I don't know if I CAN function again it was so bad this time, I feel mentally paralysed. Another layer for the cPTSD. I am so trapped. I tried to hang myself yesterday, but I could not kick the chair out. I became so afraid of the potential pain, and it taking too long, and someone finding me. I started researching sodium nitrite. So I guess the answer is, I am still here...but I still so want it all to end. Why can't there be a sure and painless way? I have thought about getting a hotel room, so no one can interrupt, and no one close to me will find me ( I live with my mother, who is a whole different kind of insane and dysfunctional, which does not help) A cocktail of pills and something to supress throwing them up? I have 900 mg of propranolol saved. 90 mg of ativan. If I can find the SN, that seems more of a sure thing, but it could still fail...but from what I have read, it doesn't cause brain or organ damage if it fails...and I would just wake back up in a hotel room, with my own private shame. The pill cocktail could really mess up my body if it fails. THE NOT KNOWING. Even with jumping there is a chance of survival as there is no place around here higher than 7 stories, I also don't want to die that violently and put that vision in my son's head.

 

[OneTime]

@headspin dunno whether this is good or bad but i noticed it last night, but
everything you write, maybe apart from the triggers, reminds me of me..........

 

[everhopeless]

Thank you. I see a therapist ( though every week it feels like I am repeating myself, I don't really feel its helping....and everything he says, I think "its his job to say that"....) . I have a psych doc who has me on 5 meds at this point. I wonder if I am over-medicated but I feel scared to change anything. Earlier major depressions I was younger, I still had people and a home and things that felt like they would feel okay again, I believed in it. Now I am older and tired. Its all so much. I don't see a future. The end of my marriage is so painful, Not seeing my son for a year now, fills me with shame and regret and deep sadness for having failed him. Knowing my husband and him have moved on just fine without me, that my husband told me life is better for him now that I am gone....I have lost all my friends. I have nothing but my physical body, which is hurting, even physically now. I want forever relief. I wish I could give my life to someone who lost theirs but wanted to live.

My heart is breaking for you. I hope there's some way to see your son again. I really believe no one who is not a mother can understand the power of that bond. Your ex saying things are better with you gone is just abusive. Why would you ever say that to someone unless you wanted to hurt them, and why would you want to hurt someone who is already in so much pain. I wish you peace and please find ways to forgive and love yourself. You deserve love.

 

[downndone2]

I feel you post so much and I'm sorry you're going thru this. I lost my spouse, most my friends, business, and tons of money a several years ago after a 6 month manic episode following neuro illness, med withdrawal, and some serious traumatic shit. I have dealt with severe anxiety/depression ever since this happened. Also dealing with agorophobia for last few yrs. It sucks so bad. I just dont want to wake up and then my kids will have my life insurance $
I wish you peace