Venting Depression came back

[isthisit?]

I discovered a cult named heavens gate and decided to start watching their tapes. Then I found out they committed suicide and then the bad memories about CTBing came back and now Im more depressed than ever. How tf am I ever supposed to recover when Im pulled back by the slightest mention of CTB?

 

[vak]

I'm so sorry to hear that. I also feel like I'm on the very edge, as if we've seen and know too much, and it can be overwhelming. Not really able to return things to how they used to be. Emotions can swing from feeling okay to severely depressed very quickly And it takes effort to keep them in check. But it's a fight we can win

I hope you haven't fallen too deep into despair. I'm here if you need to talk or vent to someone

 

[Jorms_McGander]

I get the impression reading that you do want to discuss recovery as an option, and we're also on the suicide side of this so you may be intending to discuss that recovery is not possible and the question is rhetorical. Either way a hug because you're going through some unfortunate and unfair experiences and either way I hope you're at peace soon.

 

[LittleCupcake]

Unfortunatly depression and suicidal thoughts are a life long struggle. It'll come and go, I'd try staying away from suicide related media just while you get over this bump and it could improve over time. Hugs

 

[isthisit?]

I get the impression reading that you do want to discuss recovery as an option, and we're also on the suicide side of this so you may be intending to discuss that recovery is not possible and the question is rhetorical. Either way a hug because you're going through some unfortunate and unfair experiences and either way I hope you're at peace soon.

Recovery would be nice but it would be really awkward for my parents. They expect a lot since both my sisters ended up in a really good university and I dont want to make them look bad

 

[Jorms_McGander]

Recovery would be nice but it would be really awkward for my parents. They expect a lot since both my sisters ended up in a really good university and I dont want to make them look bad

Promise you this: no appearance will matter to the organisms which end up carrying your energy and matter into the future.

I'm now considering do I want to die a hobo? Cuz I am happiest as a hobo to be honest. Imagine how embarrassing lol. I have three siblings and three siblings I have are doctors, then there's me working menial labour and ending up homeless and suicide or starving or something like that.

But what matter? I've been miserable in society and the best I can do is be part of someone else's life? But now I am older and not as pretty, women are less interested in supporting me and furthermore I identify that I was relying on my partners for support and as a man that still just doesn't seem right. I come from a sort of backwards part of North America, but it's not obscene to say that any woman deserves a partner who can contribute in equal measure. I don't think that domestic contribution and financial dependency is an acceptable relationship dynamic based on the experience I've had in trying to find out if that was a possibility, I've felt gross.

So now I'm making my family support me lol. I'm really that guy now. Maybe they'll help me advocate to get on disability income or maybe not. I'm done working, though. I'm not cutting my beard and I'm not working a job on the price of my life. When I hit the streets they won't miss me, and when I die it will be a relief.