Tellurian120
Member
- Nov 1, 2023
- 21
I don't want to give out a full ramble on my life, as it would just be digressive and pointless, but I am autistic and throughout the entirety of my formative years I was always dead last. The other students recognized that I was "different" and thus, at least 99% of the time when it came to group projects, I would have to go to the teacher and debase myself by asking to be put in a group. Which just hardened the impression that I was not part of the main structure - I would always, at best, be put in the background. This happened at primary school and continued throughout secondary, and I genuinely don't remember ever getting a single friend. I had the occasional person pity me and try and strike up a conversation, before they inevitably moved to the more popular crowd - they probably only talked to me to make themselves feel better. Throughout secondary school it was very little more than studying and reading books - no human interaction beyond forced group projects where, again, because the teacher forced the group to accept me, they never let me have a large hands-on role in whatever project they were doing.
So these experiences have completely destroyed what self-confidence and self-worth I could have had. I always see myself as little more than a background annoyance - something you occasionally have to frustrate yourself to deal with, but ultimately not something you need to overly concern yourself with. And my life is even worse now than it was then. I don't have any money, can't do anything interesting like go on holidays abroad, can't drive, still don't have any friends, know for a fact I will never be in a relationship, work a minimum-wage job I despise but I can't find anything else.
Yet during the very rare instances where I decide to open up to somebody - a co-worker that seems sympathetic, for instance - they end up confused why I would want to kill myself. Now obviously they can't support me committing suicide, but they just don't understand why a young man like myself would want to just quit and end it all. I'm sure they have their own struggles so I won't belittle them, but it's almost as if they can't understand what it is like when you are nobody's choice, when nobody wants to associate themselves with you for any longer than strictly necessary. This life has been a complete garbage fire of apathy and bullying, and I don't even care what happens to me. I gain zero joy now from anything, at least back in the day I had some interesting YouTube docs I could watch or books I could read. But I no longer derive any feeling from them. Fuck this life.
So these experiences have completely destroyed what self-confidence and self-worth I could have had. I always see myself as little more than a background annoyance - something you occasionally have to frustrate yourself to deal with, but ultimately not something you need to overly concern yourself with. And my life is even worse now than it was then. I don't have any money, can't do anything interesting like go on holidays abroad, can't drive, still don't have any friends, know for a fact I will never be in a relationship, work a minimum-wage job I despise but I can't find anything else.
Yet during the very rare instances where I decide to open up to somebody - a co-worker that seems sympathetic, for instance - they end up confused why I would want to kill myself. Now obviously they can't support me committing suicide, but they just don't understand why a young man like myself would want to just quit and end it all. I'm sure they have their own struggles so I won't belittle them, but it's almost as if they can't understand what it is like when you are nobody's choice, when nobody wants to associate themselves with you for any longer than strictly necessary. This life has been a complete garbage fire of apathy and bullying, and I don't even care what happens to me. I gain zero joy now from anything, at least back in the day I had some interesting YouTube docs I could watch or books I could read. But I no longer derive any feeling from them. Fuck this life.
