Yet again another self conflict for me.
I hate the way i am right now. Im scaredy, im lazy, i barely have any willpower to continue living. It's the same cliche any other mentally exhausted person would feel like. And i didnt start hating myself yesterday. It's taken a good portion of my life.
While on the other hand a sane and thriving part of my soul identifies the pattern. I feel this way, ive felt this way before, therefore i should do this, i should seek this, i should reach out... all i need now is to commit in it. Commit in living. Better muself. Step out of my comfort zone–it's a prairie of butterflies out there.
Nope, not that easy. "Stepping out" itself is hard. Waking up early? Cant, i have peace in night time and i dont want to waste it sleeping. Exercise? Hell, i cant even leave my bed... talk to my friends? Engage more in social media? Actually spend time with my parents? I hate how people react to my stories.
It's always this never ending cycle of realizing and backing down. Learning to know what to do then learning to foresee the outcome. And the process midway is already half the battle. And i hate how ive internalized this mindset and habit since little.
As much as i seem to be comfortable in this bubble of misery, i too dream of being free. Shedding out of my old, weary skin into a colorful and sturdy surface. No shyness, no doubts, no clumsiness, no hatred towards people, no forgetfulness, no regrets... oh, that sounds like heaven. Like, heaven, after im dead.
Still, amidst this chaos in this head of mine, i catch myself considering possible methods to renew myself–just completely detaching this old identity and body of mine and replacing it with a much livelier and positive persona, one id be proud of and what people would love being around with. Just deliberately forgetting that i used to be this kind of person, and live like i was born yesterday. It's only a few, but qualities overwhelm its amount:
- creating a new Instagram account: a few pics of me on a fresh account wouldnt hurt. Perhaps strangers would reach me before my IRLs. New branding, new people, new me. Unfortunately i do have a big plan and standards for my posts so this wouldnt happen in an instant. Also, any IRLs knowing about the account might taint the new persona all over again.
- start journalling and building my personality: this is the most accesible thing i can do at the moment. Just grabbing a few scrap papers (i have a FUCK ton in my drawer), puke my brain out on it, and eventually build myself in the shape of a stack of papers. Nice, but i might hate human interaction even more since i use this method instead of venting or reaching out to people.
- actually interacting decently with people while swallowing all my second guessings: wouldnt say ive been through this, but basically holding down emotions while continuing to act normal makes me feel nauseous and eventually want to cut myself. Shouldnt be as bad as actually letting out those emotions though–that's when i actually cut. But i guess i do need to learn this skill since this is how we humans live anyway–and my friends who had it far worse than me are thriving and joyous.
- transitioning: most flabbergasting thing ive ever thought of–im even in disbelief with the fact that it crossed my mind. It's foreign yet comforting–as a cis woman ive never actually dreamt or defined my true self as what id describe as masculine, eager and straightforward, sultry and smug (yes, all of these descriptions fit perfectly to what one would call a "woman", but these are how id describe a "man" on the top of my head, surely it's not perfect), but basically a lot of its features oppose to my current situation which then complies to the aspects of the person i aspire to be. It's really just a matter of switching the lever or turning the polarities within myself into a mode i prefer, so gender and social concerns arent really on the list. I wonder if this is morally acceptable, and whether it actually resolves my problem or would it just distance me from the main cause and never really fixing the underlying troubles.
Maybe this is all i can convey for this time. I should really read more books to enhance my eloquency. Until then, hopefully, me and everyone else in this site find brighter days.
I hate the way i am right now. Im scaredy, im lazy, i barely have any willpower to continue living. It's the same cliche any other mentally exhausted person would feel like. And i didnt start hating myself yesterday. It's taken a good portion of my life.
While on the other hand a sane and thriving part of my soul identifies the pattern. I feel this way, ive felt this way before, therefore i should do this, i should seek this, i should reach out... all i need now is to commit in it. Commit in living. Better muself. Step out of my comfort zone–it's a prairie of butterflies out there.
Nope, not that easy. "Stepping out" itself is hard. Waking up early? Cant, i have peace in night time and i dont want to waste it sleeping. Exercise? Hell, i cant even leave my bed... talk to my friends? Engage more in social media? Actually spend time with my parents? I hate how people react to my stories.
It's always this never ending cycle of realizing and backing down. Learning to know what to do then learning to foresee the outcome. And the process midway is already half the battle. And i hate how ive internalized this mindset and habit since little.
As much as i seem to be comfortable in this bubble of misery, i too dream of being free. Shedding out of my old, weary skin into a colorful and sturdy surface. No shyness, no doubts, no clumsiness, no hatred towards people, no forgetfulness, no regrets... oh, that sounds like heaven. Like, heaven, after im dead.
Still, amidst this chaos in this head of mine, i catch myself considering possible methods to renew myself–just completely detaching this old identity and body of mine and replacing it with a much livelier and positive persona, one id be proud of and what people would love being around with. Just deliberately forgetting that i used to be this kind of person, and live like i was born yesterday. It's only a few, but qualities overwhelm its amount:
- creating a new Instagram account: a few pics of me on a fresh account wouldnt hurt. Perhaps strangers would reach me before my IRLs. New branding, new people, new me. Unfortunately i do have a big plan and standards for my posts so this wouldnt happen in an instant. Also, any IRLs knowing about the account might taint the new persona all over again.
- start journalling and building my personality: this is the most accesible thing i can do at the moment. Just grabbing a few scrap papers (i have a FUCK ton in my drawer), puke my brain out on it, and eventually build myself in the shape of a stack of papers. Nice, but i might hate human interaction even more since i use this method instead of venting or reaching out to people.
- actually interacting decently with people while swallowing all my second guessings: wouldnt say ive been through this, but basically holding down emotions while continuing to act normal makes me feel nauseous and eventually want to cut myself. Shouldnt be as bad as actually letting out those emotions though–that's when i actually cut. But i guess i do need to learn this skill since this is how we humans live anyway–and my friends who had it far worse than me are thriving and joyous.
- transitioning: most flabbergasting thing ive ever thought of–im even in disbelief with the fact that it crossed my mind. It's foreign yet comforting–as a cis woman ive never actually dreamt or defined my true self as what id describe as masculine, eager and straightforward, sultry and smug (yes, all of these descriptions fit perfectly to what one would call a "woman", but these are how id describe a "man" on the top of my head, surely it's not perfect), but basically a lot of its features oppose to my current situation which then complies to the aspects of the person i aspire to be. It's really just a matter of switching the lever or turning the polarities within myself into a mode i prefer, so gender and social concerns arent really on the list. I wonder if this is morally acceptable, and whether it actually resolves my problem or would it just distance me from the main cause and never really fixing the underlying troubles.
Maybe this is all i can convey for this time. I should really read more books to enhance my eloquency. Until then, hopefully, me and everyone else in this site find brighter days.
