Chr0nicAnhedonic
Out of the light of the sun
- Oct 1, 2023
- 125
This is going to be a long one, sorry in advance.
I'm trying my hand at recovery, and I've made significant progress compared to where I was even a year ago. I have a stable job, a place to live by myself, have some decent friends, a supportive family, and am currently in therapy. It's not all ideal per se, but it's a lot more than what most people have. I'm grateful for it, and I thought I was genuinely doing and feeling better.
Despite all of this, it doesn't feel like it's enough for me. All of my relationships feel superficial, like everyone is just nice to me because that's what you're supposed to do or I have something that they want. I don't consider myself to have any close friends really, partially by circumstance and partially by choice. Everyone is at an arm's length from me because I don't think anyone actually would want to be close to me. People only want the fun and bright version of me, not the cynical and depressed me that I really am and keep trying to fix. I'm actively trying to be less negative and less contrarian because those behaviors have cost me a lot of friendships in the past, but I still feel the same way and don't have a way to filter it out. People can only handle so much negativity, not the constant stream I feel and produce, and especially when the issues I'm dealing with (loneliness, isolation, existential dread) is what everyone is dealing with on top of real problems like poverty, housing insecurity, lack of healthcare, etc.
I used to not be that bothered by not being in a romantic relationship, but now it's all I want even though it's a terrible idea that'll only end in hurt. The deck is stacked against me: I'm a trans lesbian, I work swing shift, I don't have a whole lot of friends (almost all the ones I do have are online friends), I don't have much self esteem, I need a lot of alone time (to the point where I'm not sure if cohabitating is possible for me), but I also need to be constantly validated and assured. This is only off the top of my head, and doesn't go into what a potential partner would need from me. I think and can say that I'd be very loving and supportive, but I also get really cold and distant, and would constantly be testing the other person's patience and kindness. I feel like there's way too much wrong with me that isn't offset by what's "right" with me that could make an intimate relationship work. And even if my partner was amazing and could work with me on all of this, what if that still ends up being not enough for me and I still feel the same as I do now?
The ironic thing to all this is that I'm definitely attractive (enough) to have hookups if I really wanted to. I could relatively easily get with any guy or girl who'd be interested in casual sex, and it's something I've tried to use to mitigate the lack of romance in my life. Every time though, I'd end up feeling gross/used after, or I'd end up falling for the other person and they could never reciprocate my feelings. I don't know why I can't just turn off my desire for romance and just fuck around like a lot of people are able to. I don't know why I couldn't just make my brain work differently, especially if I'm still going to be so goddamn horny all the time because of my hormones going crazy.
I tried to bring this up with my therapist last session after finding myself in a situation where a couple friends were flirting with me and wanted sex, which I had to force myself to turn down because I knew I had romantic feelings for both of them that they couldn't reciprocate. I was told that it's good that I know what I want and stood my ground on it, that it's completely okay to want a romantic relationship and to let myself feel the grief/sorrow over not having it. I get what she's trying to say, that denying that part of me and having gone along with it would just make me feel worse, but at the same time "letting myself feel it" is part of the problem. I do let myself feel it, it's a large part of why I'm stuck in this depressive episode currently. There's nothing actionable I can do from giving space to these emotions/parts, and it very much just envelops me or puts me in a loop. I didn't get to voice much of this in my last session, but I'm not going to be able to see her for another couple weeks and we're primarily going to be working with childhood trauma for a bit, so I likely won't get that opportunity for a while.
I don't know what to do. I'm trying my best to be a better person, but at the same time it feels like I'm just fooling myself into being something I'm not. I don't have anyone to talk about this with without getting the usual stock of platitudes or setting off alarm bells that'll end up creating distance or end up with me in a psych ward. I don't understand why I can't just be happy with what I have currently, instead of wanting to blow it all up over something as stupid as all this. I don't know why I can't just kill the part of me that wants intimacy when all it's doing is causing problems. I don't know why I can't just be fucking normal for once.
I'm sorry for how long and rambly this ended up being. I don't know what I hope to accomplish by posting this, but I appreciate you reading this far if you did.
I'm trying my hand at recovery, and I've made significant progress compared to where I was even a year ago. I have a stable job, a place to live by myself, have some decent friends, a supportive family, and am currently in therapy. It's not all ideal per se, but it's a lot more than what most people have. I'm grateful for it, and I thought I was genuinely doing and feeling better.
Despite all of this, it doesn't feel like it's enough for me. All of my relationships feel superficial, like everyone is just nice to me because that's what you're supposed to do or I have something that they want. I don't consider myself to have any close friends really, partially by circumstance and partially by choice. Everyone is at an arm's length from me because I don't think anyone actually would want to be close to me. People only want the fun and bright version of me, not the cynical and depressed me that I really am and keep trying to fix. I'm actively trying to be less negative and less contrarian because those behaviors have cost me a lot of friendships in the past, but I still feel the same way and don't have a way to filter it out. People can only handle so much negativity, not the constant stream I feel and produce, and especially when the issues I'm dealing with (loneliness, isolation, existential dread) is what everyone is dealing with on top of real problems like poverty, housing insecurity, lack of healthcare, etc.
I used to not be that bothered by not being in a romantic relationship, but now it's all I want even though it's a terrible idea that'll only end in hurt. The deck is stacked against me: I'm a trans lesbian, I work swing shift, I don't have a whole lot of friends (almost all the ones I do have are online friends), I don't have much self esteem, I need a lot of alone time (to the point where I'm not sure if cohabitating is possible for me), but I also need to be constantly validated and assured. This is only off the top of my head, and doesn't go into what a potential partner would need from me. I think and can say that I'd be very loving and supportive, but I also get really cold and distant, and would constantly be testing the other person's patience and kindness. I feel like there's way too much wrong with me that isn't offset by what's "right" with me that could make an intimate relationship work. And even if my partner was amazing and could work with me on all of this, what if that still ends up being not enough for me and I still feel the same as I do now?
The ironic thing to all this is that I'm definitely attractive (enough) to have hookups if I really wanted to. I could relatively easily get with any guy or girl who'd be interested in casual sex, and it's something I've tried to use to mitigate the lack of romance in my life. Every time though, I'd end up feeling gross/used after, or I'd end up falling for the other person and they could never reciprocate my feelings. I don't know why I can't just turn off my desire for romance and just fuck around like a lot of people are able to. I don't know why I couldn't just make my brain work differently, especially if I'm still going to be so goddamn horny all the time because of my hormones going crazy.
I tried to bring this up with my therapist last session after finding myself in a situation where a couple friends were flirting with me and wanted sex, which I had to force myself to turn down because I knew I had romantic feelings for both of them that they couldn't reciprocate. I was told that it's good that I know what I want and stood my ground on it, that it's completely okay to want a romantic relationship and to let myself feel the grief/sorrow over not having it. I get what she's trying to say, that denying that part of me and having gone along with it would just make me feel worse, but at the same time "letting myself feel it" is part of the problem. I do let myself feel it, it's a large part of why I'm stuck in this depressive episode currently. There's nothing actionable I can do from giving space to these emotions/parts, and it very much just envelops me or puts me in a loop. I didn't get to voice much of this in my last session, but I'm not going to be able to see her for another couple weeks and we're primarily going to be working with childhood trauma for a bit, so I likely won't get that opportunity for a while.
I don't know what to do. I'm trying my best to be a better person, but at the same time it feels like I'm just fooling myself into being something I'm not. I don't have anyone to talk about this with without getting the usual stock of platitudes or setting off alarm bells that'll end up creating distance or end up with me in a psych ward. I don't understand why I can't just be happy with what I have currently, instead of wanting to blow it all up over something as stupid as all this. I don't know why I can't just kill the part of me that wants intimacy when all it's doing is causing problems. I don't know why I can't just be fucking normal for once.
I'm sorry for how long and rambly this ended up being. I don't know what I hope to accomplish by posting this, but I appreciate you reading this far if you did.
