Venting Dear god, why am I still here

[666razorblade]

I was supposed to die in July. Then I was supposed to die in October. Then I tried to OD in November and failed. The NHS still doesn't class my case as severe enough to get help. They don't class my OD as an attempt since I didn't go to the hospital for it. I've tried so hard to get help. This month marks the 13th month since I first tried to reach out and get help. I want to die so badly. I just want to die, I'm so tired. I just want some SN or something, so I can go to sleep and not get up. I wish CTB wasn't taboo. It's my body. It's my right isn't it? To decide if I want to be alive or dead? Why can't I decide my own fate? I understand why people get upset when I say I want to die, but at the same time, I don't really understand why they get so upset since we all die eventually, and I'm just choosing that I want to go now. Isn't everything awful? I feel like if I don't CTB I'll die in a horrible way anyway. I might die in a war, or from a disease, or climate change might cause some big disaster that kills me. Why is it so shocking that I'd rather just drink a chemical and die painlessly? I really did want to live and I tried very hard. I tried very hard to get help and went far out of my comfort zone for it. Oh well. My parents told me I was an accident, so I was never supposed to be here in the first place. I was never meant to be born, so I should be allowed to die. Every day I think about bashing my head at the wall repeatedly, or sinking a knife into my skull, or jumping from the tallest building I can find, or jumping in front of a train, or hanging from a tree. I dream of death always. I dream of suicide. I'm so tired. I want to die. I want to die so badly. Nobody will help me and nobody will let me die. SS is the only place I feel safe to say something like this, my true feelings for only suffering strangers on the internet to read.

 

[FuneralCry]

I certainly despise how we exist in this anti-suicide society where suicide isn't accepted as a valid solution to free ourselves from all future suffering even know we never consented to this existence and aren't obligated to continue. To me it'd be such a relief if the option to die painlessly in a guaranteed way is there, I find it so cruel how we cannot just choose to easily never wake again. But anyway best wishes.

 

[hopeless08]

I was supposed to die in July. Then I was supposed to die in October. Then I tried to OD in November and failed. The NHS still doesn't class my case as severe enough to get help. They don't class my OD as an attempt since I didn't go to the hospital for it. I've tried so hard to get help. This month marks the 13th month since I first tried to reach out and get help. I want to die so badly. I just want to die, I'm so tired. I just want some SN or something, so I can go to sleep and not get up. I wish CTB wasn't taboo. It's my body. It's my right isn't it? To decide if I want to be alive or dead? Why can't I decide my own fate? I understand why people get upset when I say I want to die, but at the same time, I don't really understand why they get so upset since we all die eventually, and I'm just choosing that I want to go now. Isn't everything awful? I feel like if I don't CTB I'll die in a horrible way anyway. I might die in a war, or from a disease, or climate change might cause some big disaster that kills me. Why is it so shocking that I'd rather just drink a chemical and die painlessly? I really did want to live and I tried very hard. I tried very hard to get help and went far out of my comfort zone for it. Oh well. My parents told me I was an accident, so I was never supposed to be here in the first place. I was never meant to be born, so I should be allowed to die. Every day I think about bashing my head at the wall repeatedly, or sinking a knife into my skull, or jumping from the tallest building I can find, or jumping in front of a train, or hanging from a tree. I dream of death always. I dream of suicide. I'm so tired. I want to die. I want to die so badly. Nobody will help me and nobody will let me die. SS is the only place I feel safe to say something like this, my true feelings for only suffering strangers on the internet to read.

I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. Your parents telling you that you were a mistake is horrible but the problem is them, not you.
I perfectly understand how awful and disappointing it is to have hope.
I've tried to get help as well, I've tried really hard. I've been to therapist, taken medications, I turned to praying to god every second of everyday but obviously that didn't work. If there is a god I'm so angry with him/her, time after time I've hoped only to have that hope come crashing down… I'm so fucking sick of this life. I'm truly sorry for what you're going through and hope you find peace…