666razorblade
bleeding euphoria
- Jul 7, 2023
- 27
I was supposed to die in July. Then I was supposed to die in October. Then I tried to OD in November and failed. The NHS still doesn't class my case as severe enough to get help. They don't class my OD as an attempt since I didn't go to the hospital for it. I've tried so hard to get help. This month marks the 13th month since I first tried to reach out and get help. I want to die so badly. I just want to die, I'm so tired. I just want some SN or something, so I can go to sleep and not get up. I wish CTB wasn't taboo. It's my body. It's my right isn't it? To decide if I want to be alive or dead? Why can't I decide my own fate? I understand why people get upset when I say I want to die, but at the same time, I don't really understand why they get so upset since we all die eventually, and I'm just choosing that I want to go now. Isn't everything awful? I feel like if I don't CTB I'll die in a horrible way anyway. I might die in a war, or from a disease, or climate change might cause some big disaster that kills me. Why is it so shocking that I'd rather just drink a chemical and die painlessly? I really did want to live and I tried very hard. I tried very hard to get help and went far out of my comfort zone for it. Oh well. My parents told me I was an accident, so I was never supposed to be here in the first place. I was never meant to be born, so I should be allowed to die. Every day I think about bashing my head at the wall repeatedly, or sinking a knife into my skull, or jumping from the tallest building I can find, or jumping in front of a train, or hanging from a tree. I dream of death always. I dream of suicide. I'm so tired. I want to die. I want to die so badly. Nobody will help me and nobody will let me die. SS is the only place I feel safe to say something like this, my true feelings for only suffering strangers on the internet to read.