Venting dealing with si

[favouriteworstnight]

i'm so upset i thought i was leaving this weekend but my mom is staying home so i can't. things are so bad right now i feel so desperate for relief really i just need to hang myself. i know si can kick in and it did before but it's been 3 months since it happened, i surely did change and i'm trying to calm myself down, everyday i visualize it with all the details for some kind of exposure and try to predict my thoughts, emotions and body reactions so i'll be prepared. it's normal, i'm still a human with body responses and i think many people who did it were anxious or scared, they just pushed through it, i really don't think most of them were at peace as many of us hope to feel. like i feel calm right now but when i put the noose around my neck i think i'll panic i just need to make space for it for a few seconds and i'm out. lately i've been trying to understand what survival instinct means and i think it's some kind of anxiety or freeze/flight response to danger, but if you have anxiety you probably know that your body panic and your mind races even though you know it's not logical and therapists always teach exposure and grounding and it works for so many people, i've read stories of intense panic attacks relief after exposures. sometimes i feel dumb because we think some people "just do it" but we don't know the full story, what if they were just like us, struggling with si? so i'm trying to deal with si rather than complaining about it and i hope it helps