Venting Dealing with perception

[IHurtTheOneILove]

This seems so edgelordesque to say but I'm sick of living to be perceived. I was born to be analyzed through the lens of my peers. I'm not a real person, just an accumulation of traits that I perceive other people will enjoy.

I am so afraid of becoming my father, I'm slowly becoming all of the worst parts of him and I hate myself for that. Granted I'm nowhere near his level of shittiness, but baby steps have been made. I can make sll the conscious efforts to stop them, which for the most part I have. However, as soon as I notice a similarity between what I'm doing and what my dad would I feel naceous.

I can not be perceived as my father and I can not be perceived for who I truly am so genuinely what is the point. I'm not a real person. No matter how hard I try to be I am not a real person. I've never once lived purely for myself and I loathe that no matter how hard I try I simply can not.

I feel as if the only logical exit/continuation out of this is to CTB but also that seems so lame. I'm in a weird limbo state where nothing feels correct, truly lost in all sense of the word.

I'm losing it lmao, this is hopefully the only time I post something like this. Just needed to get this off my chest.

 

[Tears in Rain]

This seems so edgelordesque to say but I'm sick of living to be perceived. I was born to be analyzed through the lens of my peers. I'm not a real person, just an accumulation of traits that I perceive other people will enjoy.

Everyone's constantly projecting how they are viewed in the eyes of others. It's what humans do. We have this deeply conditioned need to belong to a tribe/group. Unfortunately, we end up being slaves to this programming, and it's why there is a worldwide epidemic of anxiety.

Everyone's wearing masks, worn to fit in with what people expect of us.
One caregiver, who spent years working with palliative care patients, wrote a book about the regrets of the dying. The most common regret of people nearing life's end was:
"I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me."

Regrets of the Dying – Bronnie Ware

bronnieware.com