CTB Tonight by SN (Goodbye)

[Erase.myself]

I will be CTB tonight through SN. I've been fasting today (8 hr). Booked a hotel that's quiet and comfortable.
It's one pm here.
5 pm: 1000 mg Acetaminophen
5:15 : Meto (30 mg) stat dose
6 pm: Drink 20g (1 tablespoon) SN

I have a friend whom I have met here that will be on the phone with me after the SN is drank, until my last moments.
@avoid_slow_death thank you for being so wonderful
I wanted to express my gratitude for this forum, the support I've received, & this community of sweet beautiful souls.

Im 32. Suffer from Anorexia, Borderline personality, Social Anxiety, PTSD, & Bipolar Rapid Cycling. I've tried varies medicine, therapy, treatment with none of them being helpful. I just got out of Eating Disorder treatment and I'm relapsing on Anorexia severe...it's debilitating, consuming, deadly, isolating....hell on Earth. Body Dysmorphia makes it hard for me to live in this body, hence my handle "My body is a prison."

Im grieving. I lost my special needs twin sister on March 27th, 2019 . I lost my ex/best friend Christmas Eve of last year (4 months ago). We were gonna get back together...long story short...he was my soulmate. I feel like when they died my heart was ripped out of me. My grandma died 10 years ago. She took care of me helping raise me. As I grew up in a very violent drug filled home, the only place I ever felt safe was in her arms, in her home. The only place I used to find comfort and safety is either in my Anorexia or my lovers (the one who died) his heart beat.

Quit my job last week due to my overwhelming emotions of grief, loss, abandonment, rape flashbacks etc. I was a Toddler teacher and those kids gave my life meaning and purpose and now that is gone. My grief and mental illness make it hard for me to work and function out in society.

Just wanted to share a little piece of my story. Again, thank you all so much for being so amazing. I hope you all find your peace and comfort in whatever choices you decide to make. I will keep you all updated today as I go along in the process.

 

[kyle]

Sending support and hugs. I really hope you do find peace and wish you had more time to spend here. I hope your final moments are good with your friend.

 

[Kumachan]

Wish you a nice, peaceful exit!:-*

 

[lueffy]

hi. i l'ost m'y soulmate a few weeks ago and it was a similar situation we had broke up but the day before he died he asked me to move back in with him. my heart feels like it was ripped out my chest too. i'm sorry for you feeling this way sending love. can you pm me ? i don't know how lol

 

[Deleted member 14177]

Wishing you so much peace.

 

[BPD Barbie]

Good luck with your transition. I hope its peaceful and quick. Sending you lots of love

 

[Difficult life]

Wishing you peace from a ocd sufferer

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I hope you can finally find the peace you were not able to find here.

 

[Blutsager]

My friend,

I am sorry to hear it has come to this. Nonetheless, I am glad to hear that in your last moments you have found so many positive things. To begin with, a hotel room, a luxury in times like this, to be able to move to one. That you have found the tools needed to go with SN. And most important, that you have someone there to accompany you on your final moments. I have offered myself many times to others to do a voice call on their final moments, to accompany them on that last trip. I am so glad you have found someone for you!.

Best of luck my friend. May you have a peaceful night... as for afterwards... I wish you nothing, for I know you will find peace and harmony, joy and happiness in the afterlife.

 

[LMLN]

I wish you peace and love. I am sorry for your struggles and wish there was another way. We are here for you, whatever you decide.

 

[WinterFaust]

I'm so sorry for all of the pain and harrowing suffering you've gone through. You've been such a lovely presence on this forum in the short time I've been here and though it is bittersweet to see you go, you've fought a long and hellish battle. May your transition be peaceful and may you finally get that long awaited rest ❤

 

[Acornsonatree]

Wishing you lasting peace and serenity

 

[Lost_the_will2_live]

Hope you find your peace. Your so brave to do this and I hope it goes smoothly for you!

lots of love x

 

[Oh so tired]

So sorry that you have reached this point.
I also have anorexia, amongst other things, and know how devastating it can be. It sounds as if your mind is made up, but I hope any chance of recovery has been explored. I wish you peace and freedom from all suffering

 

[KleinerWolf]

Assuming that getting a toddler teacher job after corona is of limited incentives to stick around,

I'm sorry life failed you.
You deserved much better experience while you are in this world,
We wish you peace for eternity.

 

[Nightwillalwayswin]

I am sorry for your suffering, I wish you peace in whatever form that it comes

 

[disconnection]

I'm so sorry that you have gone through so much and hope that you find peace now. Much love ♥

 

[Busdriver]

Soon the confinement of life will be over. You won't even feel a microsecond of pain ever again!

I wish you good luck. May your transition be peaceful

 

[AcornUnderground]

I am so sorry for all of your pain, and your losses. I will be thinking of you.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

That's such a sad story, so many things, no one should have to suffer all that. I'm so sorry. So very sorry. My heart goes out to you in your pain.

 

[gus.nixon]

I'm really going to miss you. I believe in you so I believe in your decision too. I feel selfish for not wanting you to go

 

[Flump]

I hope you find peace from this cruel world

 

[enjolras]

Really sorry for the trials that have accumulated. It's hard to feel cornered and overwhelmed by events. I wish you to find eternal respite

 

[Erase.myself]

I'm really going to miss you. I believe in you so I believe in your decision too. I feel selfish for not wanting you to go

Sending you so many hugs. Thank you for being such a good friend. It's been a pleasure getting to know you and speaking with you. I hope you find peace with whichever decision you decide to make. And if you decide to stay...I hope all the best for you, recovery from your trauma, and a good life for your future and a family that you want to build.
Sorry for double post. Sometimes I have trouble with posting things.

Thank all of you so much for your overwhelming love and support in this time. It means a lot to me and is making me so emotional, but not in a bad way. I feel calm but a little anxious but I know it will all be okay. I'm gonna be taking the bus to my hotel in 45 minutes. I'll keep you all updated throughout my journey.

 

[LastRide]

I haven't had the pleasure of knowing you but I deeply sympathize with your struggle...I am sure you have made the right decision for yourself, so now I want to hug you, kiss you goodbye tenderly and wish you a happy journey....I will be thinking of you with a bit of excited anticipation since my last moment is drawing close as well.

 

[gus.nixon]

You're brave and you're strong. You've been keeping the wolves from the door for far too long, my dear. Today you get your peace.

 

[StateOfMind]

Peace out

 

[Brackenshire]

Sending peace and love your way

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Its a shame it has come to this. We have had our fair share of deep and interesting conversations over the past few months and many laughs as well. You are a very intelligent, sweet and downright hilarious person whom, despite the myriad of problems, is more grounded in reality than most "normal" people in this world. And yes, I will be here for you until the very end. Because even though I prefer you not go, I'd rather you not go alone. Love you my friend!

 

[Nem]