CTB Tonight by SN (Goodbye)

[TVtrays]

Wow, I just came across this thread, and first off, I'm so sorry about what happened. The same happened to me about a week ago. As a previous poster said, SI is a bitch. There is no shame in that.
Also, your original post, I related to so much, it almost could've been written by me. You are certainly not alone in anything you said, if that's any consolation. Be kind to yourself for now, maybe treat yourself to something you enjoy, and reevaluate, see where to go from here. Sending good vibes.
I'm online sporadically, but you are welcome to PM me if you'd like.

 

[Quarky00]

Im trying so hard to be gentle with myself but it so so difficult right now. I literally spent my only money I had, on the hotel and supplies needed to carry this out . I am terribly upset and wish so bad I would have just drank the SN....I was minutes away from doing it. Even called my friend and he's like you sound like you're gagging already. We also talked about this last night of maybe it's not the right method due to my physical reactions to things due to my eating disorder and 16 years of purging.

I see you are thinking of the implications and worry about what's next... Seems there is a real worry how to practically carry on? I don't know your situation, if living with someone or can be helped, at least to survive for the meantime and get that burden of you ("spent my only money"). This is a primal substantial real worry that can be addressed. Share what's going on with this?

I assume you still have SN left, not that you should use it, but it's there if needed in the future?

You were very close and you were also very determined. I understand this was 'quick' in the sense that you got the stuff and followed through the same day -- but it was in no way anything impulsive, and I don't think you really 'rushed things', you thought things over and planned well, so you're good. Don't blame yourself!

As for regret and being really upset, I totally get that, and there's not much I can say. It's like double-dosage of despair -- from life and from (no) death. Hard place to be & feel. So sorry.

I don't really know what happened. You think this was SI? Meto is known to cause 'weird feeling' in high/acute dosage, and maybe you felt that way. Maybe fasting or history of purging made you more prone to nausea (regardless of met). And maybe you were so nervous you felt it in your stomach. I don't know if it's SI because you did not report anxiety (shortness of breath, heart pounding, some chest pain, etc). Often when we're very nervous -- really not just ctb but very common -- we feel it in our body/stomach. You may not wanna talk about what happened because it's hard so I'm sorry for raising issues

Maybe discussing how you felt/feel will ease temp distress (pardon the awful cliche). Or perhaps give it some time and take a step back from what happened, whatever you see fit.

Give yourself some slack.

 

[Kumachan]

Could be that the nausea you had was due to severe anxiety? Maybe testing meto beforehand might be a good idea, so you being prepared 100% wont add on top of that anxiety of ctb... Anyway, you came close and that takes balls! There will be many more opportunities sure if you decide to take the next bus... Maybe you decide to do something else but you always have this escape hatch

 

[Erase.myself]

I see you are thinking of the implications and worry about what's next... Seems there is a real worry how to practically carry on? I don't know your situation, if living with someone or can be helped, at least to survive for the meantime and get that burden of you ("spent my only money"). This is a primal substantial real worry that can be addressed. Share what's going on with this?

I assume you still have SN left, not that you should use it, but it's there if needed in the future?

You were very close and you were also very determined. I understand this was 'quick' in the sense that you got the stuff and followed through the same day -- but it was in no way anything impulsive, and I don't think you really 'rushed things', you thought things over and planned well, so you're good. Don't blame yourself!

As for regret and being really upset, I totally get that, and there's not much I can say. It's like double-dosage of despair -- from life and from (no) death. Hard place to be & feel. So sorry.

I don't really know what happened. You think this was SI? Meto is known to cause 'weird feeling' in high/acute dosage, and maybe you felt that way. Maybe fasting or history of purging made you more prone to nausea (regardless of met). And maybe you were so nervous you felt it in your stomach. I don't know if it's SI because you did not report anxiety (shortness of breath, heart pounding, some chest pain, etc). Often when we're very nervous -- really not just ctb but very common -- we feel it in our body/stomach. You may not wanna talk about what happened because it's hard so I'm sorry for raising issues

Maybe discussing how you felt/feel will ease temp distress (pardon the awful cliche). Or perhaps give it some time and take a step back from what happened, whatever you see fit.

Give yourself some slack.

Thank you so much for being so supportive. This is a really hard day ..the day after. Filled with so much regret and anger and sadness for not following through. In regards to your question about my financial situation is that I quit my job and am living in a sober living home. The manager said I can pay rent late but to give her some money.... I spent that on the hotel and supplies needed (measuring spoon, cups, hotel, SN, Dr appointment for Meto etc)....I would stay with my mom , but can't due to her almost being kicked out by her landlord. (Shes on a court case about it). I have no where else to go.

Regarding another method ...I'm unsure. I feel like SI may kick in if it's hanging and N is very expensive Im also trying so hard to find some bit of hope in this life ...even though it's at 1%. Heroin would be a good way as I've been addicted on and off for ten years. I've OD three times and others brought me back through Narcan or CPR. Trouble is that I have a lot of trouble shooting myself up so others usually do it for me.

I don't know if it was SI.. what I do know is that I strangely became nauseous and started gagging....so weird. I also started crying about my mom over the phone with my friend. Thinking about the fact that she lost my dad and also my sister.....

 

[I screwed up]

Omg .. U have gone through so much in such short life .. Really no one deserves to suffer as much as u have ... I really feel for you. About not following thru with ur method ..its fine and only natural. I know right now all we can offer is some words of comfort and nothing more ... But I will pray for you my friend. Hope u find peace .((( hugs)))

 

[Erase.myself]

Omg .. U have gone through so much in such short life .. Really no one deserves to suffer as much as u have ... I really feel for you. About not following thru with ur method ..its fine and only natural. I know right now all we can offer is some words of comfort and nothing more ... But I will pray for you my friend. Hope u find peace .((( hugs)))

Thank you so much for your comfort and your support as well. Today is really really hard for me. :( Regret

 

[Deathwish1968]

I will be CTB tonight through SN. I've been fasting today (8 hr). Booked a hotel that's quiet and comfortable.
It's one pm here.
5 pm: 1000 mg Acetaminophen
5:15 : Meto (30 mg) stat dose
6 pm: Drink 20g (1 tablespoon) SN

I have a friend whom I have met here that will be on the phone with me after the SN is drank, until my last moments.
@avoid_slow_death thank you for being so wonderful
I wanted to express my gratitude for this forum, the support I've received, & this community of sweet beautiful souls.

Im 32. Suffer from Anorexia, Borderline personality, Social Anxiety, PTSD, & Bipolar Rapid Cycling. I've tried varies medicine, therapy, treatment with none of them being helpful. I just got out of Eating Disorder treatment and I'm relapsing on Anorexia severe...it's debilitating, consuming, deadly, isolating....hell on Earth. Body Dysmorphia makes it hard for me to live in this body, hence my handle "My body is a prison."

Im grieving. I lost my special needs twin sister on March 27th, 2019 . I lost my ex/best friend Christmas Eve of last year (4 months ago). We were gonna get back together...long story short...he was my soulmate. I feel like when they died my heart was ripped out of me. My grandma died 10 years ago. She took care of me helping raise me. As I grew up in a very violent drug filled home, the only place I ever felt safe was in her arms, in her home. The only place I used to find comfort and safety is either in my Anorexia or my lovers (the one who died) his heart beat.

Quit my job last week due to my overwhelming emotions of grief, loss, abandonment, rape flashbacks etc. I was a Toddler teacher and those kids gave my life meaning and purpose and now that is gone. My grief and mental illness make it hard for me to work and function out in society.

Just wanted to share a little piece of my story. Again, thank you all so much for being so amazing. I hope you all find your peace and comfort in whatever choices you decide to make. I will keep you all updated today as I go along in the process.

I am so sorry to hear your story. I have a daughter with an eating disorder and I can only imagine hard it is. I hope you find peace and relief from all your suffering.

 

[Erase.myself]

Im so fucking devestated right now.
It's all in my eyes :(

Please don't be too harsh on yourself, I think you are so brave and so damn strong!!! It's honestly natural you puked before SN, ctb is so nerve wrecking, and how can it not be?! Please stay safe, don't punish yourself, you did nothing wrong or bad, and you are most certainly NOT weak! Take care of yourself for now, be kind to yourself, you deserve it! Especially what you've just been through! You are incredible and I admire you and I wish you the all the best, and I hope that you will find what you are looking for. But in the meantime, relax, breath in and out, take a moment, and rest.

Love,
—Alec.

Alec, thank you so much for your super sweet response and support. It's much needed right now, as I keep beating myself up for not following through with my plans for SN and angry that I got upset and thought about how I'd be leaving my mom; sometimes I wish I didn't have a heart...but I do and can't help that I care so much. Also upset about the situation this is leaving me in. Im absolutely devestated. *Hugs*

 

[Quarky00]

I keep beating myself up for not following through

Don't * although offensive to say 'dont feel' ... Re-read comments here.
Sounds like youre in loop constantly thinking about that, which is btw totally normal..

I wish I didn't have a heart...but I do and can't help that I care so much

Well you do , and we sure do miss more people like in the world. Bad for ctb, but otherwise precious commodity

Im absolutely devestated.

We feel ya .


Take a step back . You did just fine . Did not work . Get through day , distract , rest .

 

[Erase.myself]

Don't * although offensive to say 'dont feel' ... Re-read comments here.
Sounds like youre in loop constantly thinking about that, which is normal.


Well you do , and we sure do miss more people like in the world. Bad for ctb, but otherwise precious commodity





We feel ya .


Take a step back . You did just fine . Did not work , get through day , distract , rest .

Thank you for your encouragement to take a step back and the reassurance that I did fine. My anxiety and OCD keeps me in a loop where it's hard to step away from what happened. I'll try to distract myself with coloring or watching something I like... so I can stop dwelling. *Hugs*

 

[BizarreBazaar]

Do you still have your SN? Nothing keeping you from using it at some later date if that's still what you want to do.

 

[Erase.myself]

Do you still have your SN? Nothing keeping you from using it at some later date if that's still what you want to do.

Yes I still have my SN, Meto, Tums, and measuring supplies. I am considering trying again at a later date. I would love to in a few days but I don't have anywhere safe where I wouldn't risk getting caught and "saved". Hotel isn't an option anymore due to lack of funds.

 

[Schweppes]

Sending support and love, hope you find peace my man

 

[Deathwish1968]

I think when the time is right it will happen if it is meant to be.
Don't hurt yourself even more by trying to find reasons why you didn't go through with it. Consciously or subconsciously you were not ready. And that is okay.
When your soul is ready to leave this earth , it will.

 

[Brackenshire]

Its not your time yet Erase...be patient..when the time is right you will know beyond a doubt..be nice to yourself its okay

 

[Erase.myself]

Its not your time yet Erase...be patient..when the time is right you will know beyond a doubt..be nice to yourself its okay

Thank you for your comfort and your support. It's hard to not wanna go back in time cuz I was incredibly anticipating the end of my life the whole day...was happy and calm but of course anxiety a bit about ten minutes before I was gonna drink the SN.

But you're right for sure. I'll know beyond a doubt when it's the right time. I do have to be more patient with myself and trying to ctb. I got a little ahead of myself yesterday. *Hugs*

 

[Admont]

I cried really cried reading your thread you're amazing you look great I wish with my whole heart your life would be fine, our world needs kind and decent people like you, sweetheart

 

[Erase.myself]

I cried really cried reading your thread you're amazing you look great I wish with my whole heart your life would be fine, our world needs kind and decent people like you, sweetheart

Oh man, your response made me all teary. Thank you so much for your kind words and kind heart.