ctb is so close, but I don't think I can do it.

[hedezev4]

Now that CTB is so close - just a couple of hours until the trip to the hotel and 13 hours until CTB - I can't make up my mind.
Before this, I was so confident that it wouldn't be difficult if everything was prepared, if I approached it rationally, if I had logical reasons for why I needed this.
I don't feel pathetic or bad for not being able to go through with it.
I am who I am, and if I'm not ready now, then maybe it's just not the time yet.
It's emotionally exhausting, and my mind keeps looking for reasons to stay.
I think what I need is a clear and simple reason to give me motivation.
Maybe that's why, in most CTB cases, people have straightforward reasons - like a breakup, losing a job, losing someone close, intense suffering, and so on.

Anyway, if I don't post goodbye post, it means I couldn't go through with it ;(

 

[kapa]

It's completely okay to not feel ready, it's completely ok to not do it. Most of the times we don't want to die we just want the suffering to end. Been suicidal for 16 years I have some attends, everytime i decided to do it all of a sudden my brain starts making me want to live and couple of months later I want to end it again. I'm still here wanting to ctb. It's a permanent decision you don't to pressure yourself.

 

[SchizoGymnast]

Don't do it. If you have to ask the answer is no.

 

[darksouls]

however you decide
I wish you the best

 

[33K1LLM3]

It's never ok to rush a suicide, they take time an preparation to do and part of that is making yourself mentally ready so this doesn't happen, so you don't come to this conclusion. Pls reconsider and take your time, wishing you the best <3

 

[hedezev4]

It's never ok to rush a suicide, they take time an preparation to do and part of that is making yourself mentally ready so this doesn't happen, so you don't come to this conclusion. Pls reconsider and take your time, wishing you the best <3

I agree, but I don't think this is my case. I've thought about it for a very long time - everything was ready, absolutely everything.
The method was fully prepared, a complete course of action, accounting for failure. My thoughts were clear.
I know this is the right decision, I know why I'm doing it, and I know that I will eventually do it.

I think the real problem here is my indecisiveness as a person.
Let me explain - I've had problems with my teeth, but I didn't treat them because I was too lazy, a bit afraid of the pain, it was expensive, etc.
And until the pain got strong enough, I just couldn't force myself to take care of them - I kept putting it off.
I always do this - procrastinate endlessly.
And until there's a simple, direct reason for ctb(like pain, the death of someone close, etc.), I don't think I can really force myself, so to speak, "lift my ass off the couch".

 

[Tired_birth_1967]

You still blame yourself too much. That's natural. Until you can let go of the guilt, it will be much harder. You're in a loop. Life is a loop. I don't have a solution for this, except to constantly try to train your mind to let go of the guilt. It's not easy. It requires dedication and getting rid of influences that make you feel guilty. There is always something influencing us directly or indirectly. Something you read, something you hear, people's lives, TV, movies, the internet. Most of the content you see will cause some degree of guilt in you. We grow up with the idea that we are guilty. It's cultural.

You gave the example of teeth. Teeth are subject to decay, like everything else that is part of this useless and poorly evolved body. And by a whim of nature, teeth are a fundamental part of survival, since we need to eat. Well, nobody likes to feel pain. And untreated teeth cause pain. The reasons that led you to not treat your teeth cannot in principle be your fault. We can extend this to countless situations where our body fails. Nature does not care. A person with a mental disability or another physical problem may have their teeth decayed because they cannot get specialized treatment if they do not have money. The fault will not be that person, but rather the poor evolution of the human body. I do not know if I am being clear in what I want to convey. The point is: there is no guilt from the moment you were forced to be here without knowing what it would be like to be here, without knowing the rules of survival, without knowing the deficiencies of the body. Life is an accident, but most people will not accept that. So they will tell you: it is your fault. And you will believe it.

 

[hedezev4]

You still blame yourself too much. That's natural. Until you can let go of the guilt, it will be much harder. You're in a loop. Life is a loop. I don't have a solution for this, except to constantly try to train your mind to let go of the guilt. It's not easy. It requires dedication and getting rid of influences that make you feel guilty. There is always something influencing us directly or indirectly. Something you read, something you hear, people's lives, TV, movies, the internet. Most of the content you see will cause some degree of guilt in you. We grow up with the idea that we are guilty. It's cultural.

You gave the example of teeth. Teeth are subject to decay, like everything else that is part of this useless and poorly evolved body. And by a whim of nature, teeth are a fundamental part of survival, since we need to eat. Well, nobody likes to feel pain. And untreated teeth cause pain. The reasons that led you to not treat your teeth cannot in principle be your fault. We can extend this to countless situations where our body fails. Nature does not care. A person with a mental disability or another physical problem may have their teeth decayed because they cannot get specialized treatment if they do not have money. The fault will not be that person, but rather the poor evolution of the human body. I do not know if I am being clear in what I want to convey. The point is: there is no guilt from the moment you were forced to be here without knowing what it would be like to be here, without knowing the rules of survival, without knowing the deficiencies of the body. Life is an accident, but most people will not accept that. So they will tell you: it is your fault. And you will believe it.

Yeah, I think I get what you mean, but I don't think that's quite my case either :D
I don't think I feel guilt the same way other people do.

I realized a some time ago that I never asked to be born into this world. Therefore, I don't feel guilt for existing or for the way I exist. Guilt can only exist if we ignore that fact. Guilt is a feeling imposed by society to control people's behavior. What you might have interpreted as guilt is just the way I assess myself. I don't blame myself for who I am - I simply observe myself from the outside and describe what I see. I don't blame myself for not treating my teeth for a long time. I am who I am, and so is this world.
I'm just observing and describing from the outside, trying to solve the puzzle of how to convince my body to do what I want it to do.

I just see a similarity between two situations:

1) My teeth hurt, but not badly – I want to treat them, but I can't make myself do it.
They hurt a lot – I can make myself do it.

2) Life hurts – I want to ctb, but I can't make myself do it.
If it hurts badly enough – I'll be able to.

P.S. It's not very easy for me to express myself in English on this topic, since in my language guilt and fault are expressed by the same word.

 

[Tired_birth_1967]

It's great that you don't feel guilty. If you're resolved about this, I wish you good luck in whatever you decide.