Help CTB due to BPD and feeling like im abusive, any advice?

[rxttingaway]

hi everyone,

i have shown symptoms of bpd since i was 12 years old and it has destroyed my life. i was extremely hypersexual when i was younger and had sex with a lot of people, and i hate myself for that. it makes me feel disgusting. i stayed in a domestic violence relationship for 6 years because i was so attached to my FP that i felt like i couldn't leave. he has strangled me, beaten me, raped me, introduced me to drugs, so many bad things. i also exhaust my current boyfriend with needing constant help, accusing him of cheating/doing things behind my back, and just accusing him of being untrustworthy in general due to my past trauma with my ex, splitting on him and saying hurtful words i don't mean, etc.. i often act out of impulse and hurt myself, or others around me. never physical, just verbally after i've been triggered. not that that makes it any better. i want to change, but i don't even know where to start.

i am at a roadblock and recovery feels impossible. what should i do?

 

[SexyIncél]

i also exhaust my boyfriend with needing constant help, accusing him of cheating/doing things behind my back, and just accusing him of being untrustworthy in general due to my past trauma, splitting on him and saying hurtful words i don't mean, etc.. i often act out of impulse and hurt myself, or others around me. never physical, just verbally after i've been triggered. not that that makes it any better. i want to change, but i don't even know where to start.

i am at a roadblock and recovery feels impossible. what should i do?

I'm sorry to hear that. I even have difficulty with less intensely emotional people. So take my thoughts with a grain of salt

Your words I quoted (and slightly modified) — maybe you can write it on a card, and ask him to look at it every morning?

And on the other side of the card: a promise that, when you're more lucid, you'll give him the most pleasurable & wonderfully nasty version of you?

The theory: you probably cause him suffering, so you should balance it with pleasure. So he'll think "Well, she can make life difficult... but she doesn't mean it, she can't help it. And oh GOD the good parts "

 

[SexyIncél]

Oops, changed my quote to remove all mention of your ex. Guys tend to be territorial, never wanna mention ex'es

 

[Life_and_Death]

from my understanding (and as someone with bpd) youre not really doing it intentionally. i think it means a lot that you want to change, if you were really abusive then you wouldnt care to, but just because someone has a disorder they struggle with doesnt alone make them abusive. and you cant just expect someone to change over night, if it was that easy there would be a lot less problems in the world.
while yes the initial action is important and probably shouldnt have been done in the first place, i feel the most important part is how its handled afterwards. if you blow it off, fake apologize ect then yeah, youre being abusive. but if you apologize and honestly try to change (unlike my ex-husband who several years later is still doing the same bs), then no, youre not abusive, youre struggling.

ive found the biggest thing i can do is be honest with my bf so he understands where my reactions come from and that i dont actually mean it. and to look inwards and do a lot of personal work. "this is the problem, this is how i feel. what are different things i might be able to try to 'fix' it".
i wish i could give a more specific answer but 2 people can have the exact same problem and come up with 2 completely different fixes for it, thats why theres so many different therapies/medications/ect. i can tell you that i personally look into different therapies and find which one fits best for the situation and me. and if you ever need someone to talk/vent to youre free to pm me