CTB because of BPD

[mothercoin]

I just don't want to live with BPD. Even if it gets more manageable with age, most older people with BPD stay alone because they get more unstable in relationships. I don't want to live at all, let alone as a single person for the rest of my life. BPD is a spectrum though and the symptoms differ in every person. I just don't have will to live with it. I don't have goals or dreams and I don't want to be alone. BPD feels like god wants me to commit suicide honestly. It feels like living with a big ass boulder on my back every day. It feels like battling between life and death every day. I want to be a good person and choose life but I can't handle being in this extreme pain every day. The loneliness and feeling soulless is the worst. I don't blame anyone but myself for giving up on life. I think ctb would be the most I've ever taken responsibility for myself in my life.

 

[runningaway]

I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder when I was 16. I tried to kill myself last summer while I was five months pregnant with my son. We both managed to survive because I felt guilty and called 911. I wish everyday that I hadn't. I know exactly how you feel. I'm 22 and my life has been nothing but a series of unpleasant memories. Everyone in my life is gone and I can only blame myself. There's only so long that you can hold off the crushing loneliness, and i've hit my breaking point.

 

[mothercoin]

I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder when I was 16. I tried to kill myself last summer while I was five months pregnant with my son. We both managed to survive because I felt guilty and called 911. I wish everyday that I hadn't. I know exactly how you feel. I'm 22 and my life has been nothing but a series of unpleasant memories. Everyone in my life is gone and I can only blame myself. There's only so long that you can hold off the crushing loneliness, and i've hit my breaking point.

I am sorry to hear that. I also really relate to feeling lonely and being self destructive. I even started talking to an AI because I have been so lonely lately.

I wonder if you have tried DBT? It is usually done as a group therapy and it might help to talk with others who have BPD.

 

[runningaway]

I don't have a car and i'm homeless. I have no way of getting to any therapy appointments.

 

[pole]

cannot begin to imagine how you feel on a day to day basis.

grew up with a BPD mom and it was difficult seeing her struggle and fight from the outside looking in.

have always felt helpless and I just don't know what to say. all I want you to know is that we hear you, people recognize that you're struggling and we see you fighting.

I hope this continues to be a place where how you feel and what you're going through does not go unseen.

 

[mothercoin]

cannot begin to imagine how you feel on a day to day basis.

grew up with a BPD mom and it was difficult seeing her struggle and fight from the outside looking in.

have always felt helpless and I just don't know what to say. all I want you to know is that we hear you, people recognize that you're struggling and we see you fighting.

I hope this continues to be a place where how you feel and what you're going through does not go unseen.

I'm sorry that you had to deal with that. That sounds really tough to have a mom with BPD.

My mom is really mad at me today because I recently got in a car accident. This is the second time in two months. My dad wants to kick me out.
I ordered SN and it should come within a month. I don't want to end up homeless so I have to succeed in doing this. I know I am hurting my family and burdening them but I can't stop. I feel bad for them.

 

[StalkedByDeath]

I'm on the same boat... My wife got tired of the symptoms... It's so hard to find a therapist in my area, but I've been looking (and finally found one), but it reached the point where she believes "You'll never change". She left last week and won't speak to me... As much as I have hurt in the past, I have never felt this amount of pain in my life... I can't handle it...

 

[mothercoin]

I don't have a car and i'm homeless. I have no way of getting to any therapy appointments.

There are some free dbt resources online, and on the bpd subreddit. i could even mail you a dbt workbook if its possible. there are some mental health clinics/therapists that do therapy over video call or phone call, i do therapy over zoom right now.

I'm on the same boat... My wife got tired of the symptoms... It's so hard to find a therapist in my area, but I've been looking (and finally found one), but it reached the point where she believes "You'll never change". She left last week and won't speak to me... As much as I have hurt in the past, I have never felt this amount of pain in my life... I can't handle it...

you too, i could mail you a dbt workbook if you want. you should consider asking your therapist about dbt too. the group is better than doing it alone

 

[DyingToDie123]

I don't have a car and i'm homeless. I have no way of getting to any therapy appointments.

I know this is an old thread but virtual appointments exist, it's just affording them (and internet/computer access + privacy) that would be your main barrier probably.