The recent events were pretty overwhelming for me. For a long time I was not in such a fragile situation like the last 7 days. I was on the edge of a nervous breakdown or even another psychosis. I slept very well last night. But I took once again a half benzo and a half z-medication. I have to organize my brain again. It is such a mess.
I think I could prevent a new psychosis for now. But the last 7 days were insane. I hope I won't need this addictive medication all the time. I have made a step to open up to another person about my problems. I hope this will decrease my problems a little bit. It is better than nothing I guess.
I am still puzzled about some of the stuff that happened but I try to forget it. Just go on with life. People won't remember me. People with psychosis tend to think of themselves as the center of the universe. I am very prone to that thinking pattern.
Listened for many hours to depressing music today. It sounds weird but this stabilized me. A good counterproduct against my paranoid thinking patterns are my depressive thinking patterns. Obviously it is not a perfect measure I also need medication. But often when I tend to too positive thinking patterns I am losing grip with reality. Which is quite a self-explanatory statement about my life and my life quality. I felt less suicidal thoughts during my last weeks this was a warning sign. And there were many mood swings.
SInce yesterday evening my brain is on depressive mode again. I listenend to one of the most depressive David Foster Wallace stories I know. My addiction to this forum becomes stronger. And this forum stabilizes me. I recognized this really clear. It is really a fact this forum has an anti-manic effect on me. This is no joke. When I had this feeling this girl had a crush on me I imagined my life with her and how I leave the forum. I was obsessed by her. And not by suicide, depression and this forum. But with everyday feeling like that I lost more and more of my last remaining sanity/ grip with reality.
It is pretty obvious suicidal thoughts will accompany me till I die. It is a fucking warning sign when they decrease in my case. Almost the only time I had no suicidal thoughts during the last 10 years were hypomanic episodes. And the result of hypomanic episodes were extreme psychosomatic pain and extreme acute suicidality.
Maybe it is another warning sign that I cried so much today. This is a sign for instability. But I have the feeling I can think more clear about my environment compared to yesterday. I am still very fragile though. I hope I sleep as well as yesterday. I try not to think too much about my inability getting a gf this makes me too suicidal and severely depressed. Since I am taking my mood stabilizers I have almost lost the ability to cry. This has positive and negative sides. Maybe the benzo withdrawal made me cry this much. Sometimes it is benefical to be numb about the pain because the tears just increase the impact of the pain. But like today it was relieving. It felt like a normal reaction to the emotional chaos during the last days. I wish there was hope for me. But episodes like this are pretty clear evidences that there will be no miracle for me.
Today I remembered some people who already committed suicidde (also some people from this forum), It was a comforting feeling not being alone with this fate. I imagined a little bit afterlife meeting them again. Though I don't really believe in afterlife. I had a religious dream last night that there was an afterlife. Though I am pretty much an atheist.
I think I could prevent a new psychosis for now. But the last 7 days were insane. I hope I won't need this addictive medication all the time. I have made a step to open up to another person about my problems. I hope this will decrease my problems a little bit. It is better than nothing I guess.
I am still puzzled about some of the stuff that happened but I try to forget it. Just go on with life. People won't remember me. People with psychosis tend to think of themselves as the center of the universe. I am very prone to that thinking pattern.
Listened for many hours to depressing music today. It sounds weird but this stabilized me. A good counterproduct against my paranoid thinking patterns are my depressive thinking patterns. Obviously it is not a perfect measure I also need medication. But often when I tend to too positive thinking patterns I am losing grip with reality. Which is quite a self-explanatory statement about my life and my life quality. I felt less suicidal thoughts during my last weeks this was a warning sign. And there were many mood swings.
SInce yesterday evening my brain is on depressive mode again. I listenend to one of the most depressive David Foster Wallace stories I know. My addiction to this forum becomes stronger. And this forum stabilizes me. I recognized this really clear. It is really a fact this forum has an anti-manic effect on me. This is no joke. When I had this feeling this girl had a crush on me I imagined my life with her and how I leave the forum. I was obsessed by her. And not by suicide, depression and this forum. But with everyday feeling like that I lost more and more of my last remaining sanity/ grip with reality.
It is pretty obvious suicidal thoughts will accompany me till I die. It is a fucking warning sign when they decrease in my case. Almost the only time I had no suicidal thoughts during the last 10 years were hypomanic episodes. And the result of hypomanic episodes were extreme psychosomatic pain and extreme acute suicidality.
Maybe it is another warning sign that I cried so much today. This is a sign for instability. But I have the feeling I can think more clear about my environment compared to yesterday. I am still very fragile though. I hope I sleep as well as yesterday. I try not to think too much about my inability getting a gf this makes me too suicidal and severely depressed. Since I am taking my mood stabilizers I have almost lost the ability to cry. This has positive and negative sides. Maybe the benzo withdrawal made me cry this much. Sometimes it is benefical to be numb about the pain because the tears just increase the impact of the pain. But like today it was relieving. It felt like a normal reaction to the emotional chaos during the last days. I wish there was hope for me. But episodes like this are pretty clear evidences that there will be no miracle for me.
Today I remembered some people who already committed suicidde (also some people from this forum), It was a comforting feeling not being alone with this fate. I imagined a little bit afterlife meeting them again. Though I don't really believe in afterlife. I had a religious dream last night that there was an afterlife. Though I am pretty much an atheist.
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